Perhaps Tom Hicks is best known for being a shrewd businessman who built his incredible wealth and subsequent empire through hard work and determination, as well as the ability to not give a crap about the little people he may have trampled along the way. However, even if Hicks were declared the Greatest Businessman in the History of Money by a panel including God, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, we’d all still remember him as that dude who destroyed the Texas Rangers (and Dallas Stars and Liverpool F.C.).

Ironically, as the New York Yankees are rumored to be begging Major League Baseball to void Alex Rodriguez’s massive contract, the man who first gave A-Rod the largest contract in sports history is now trying to sell the most expensive estate and property in the United States. Hicks recently listed his Crespi-Hicks Estate in Dallas on the hush-hush, but when a dude tries to sell his home for a whopping $135 million, people are going to talk about it.

It’s not exactly like you can just pop that f*cker on Craigslist and call it a day. So what the heck comes with a $135 million house anyway?

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Relevant.

If you’ve been looking for a great deal on an apartment in New York City recently, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but boy did you miss out on the bargain of the century. In what the New York Post is calling a “steal”, New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter just sold his Trump Tower penthouse for only $15.5 million. Sure, that may seem like a hefty price, but keep in mind he was selling it for $20 million, after he originally paid $12 million. Good God, this economy is destroying us all.

So who’s the lucky bargain hunter who saved $4.5 million on this guaranteed poon palace? Anheuser-Busch’s chief supply officer Claudio Ferro, that’s who. I know, it’s like one superstar to another, right?

Claudio Ferro paid $15.5 million this month for the captain’s four-bedroom bachelor pad, a palatial, suede-covered man cave, the sources said.

I’m sure suede’s not the only thing it’s covered in. *rimshot*

At $15.5 million, Ferro is getting a steal. “You would think they [the broker] would get a higher price based on Derek Jeter’s name alone,” said one mystified broker.

And you know he was mystified because he created a flash with his hands and vanished in a cloud of smoke. The strange thing here, though, is that Ferro is moving into this place with his wife and children, and that’s odd to me because, well, think of all the sex that happened in that place. You know how paranormal experts believe that if something so intense occurs in a house – like a horrific murder, or in this case 8 trillion orgasms – that it can haunt that home forever?

I’m just saying Claudio shouldn’t complain when his kids wake up to Scarlett Johansson screaming to the heavens. Anyway, let’s have a look at Mr. Ferro’s big purchase.

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When Ryan Howard first injured his Achilles at the end of Game 5 of last year’s NLDS, the Philadelphia Phillies hoped that his surgery and recovery would land him back in the lineup sometime around May. Unfortunately, the injury turned out to be worse than expected and Howard also suffered an infection, so the Phils actually have no clue when he’s going to be ready to start running again. (He has been fielding ground balls, so that’s good.)

But this is the first year of Howard’s 5-year extension that he signed last year – worth $125 million – so obviously there’s a little concern about Howard’s Achilles and the fact that he’s 32-years old. Howard’s not worried, though, because only a man with complete confidence in not only his ability to heal and perform at an elite level again but also his financial decision-making would purchase a $23 million mansion in Belleair Beach, Florida.

Howard paid $3.5 million for the lot in February 2011, and construction will get underway this month on the 17,500 square-foot mansion, estimated to cost $23 million.

The home, which will be built on land that occupies over an acre of Gulf-front property, will include a “Venice-style lazy river running from the swimming pool underneath a series of bridges” and a bowling alley with breakaway walls.

Taxes for the lot cost $33,684 in 2011, according to Zillow. So, not surprisingly, the town is eager to make an exception for what figures to be an an over three-year construction project…

(Via Crossing Broad)

Indeed, Howard’s new beach mansion will take three years to build, which violates every regulation in his new hometown, but city planners and leaders tend to be a bit more forgiving to guys who will make 1/8th of a billion dollars through 2017. Let’s hope he has a little more luck with his mansion than some other guys. Or at least JaMarcus Russell.

Here’s a fun little factoid for you crazy sports fans out there: athletes tend to buy really expensive houses. Who would have thunk it, right? Well it turns out that in a lot of cases, when athletes retire or change teams, they sell those houses and then people have an opportunity to take a look inside and see how the 1% really lives. And I’m almost always disappointed by the lack of bearsharktopus cages. Step your game up, so-called ballers.

Yesterday, the Cookie Kwans at Realtor.com posted some of the latest listings of current and former Major League Baseball players, and while there wasn’t anything too crazy, it was still pretty interesting. For instance, I can’t quite wrap my brain around how a guy could invest a quarter of his 5-year, $80 million salary into a home purchase, but then again nobody has yet to accept my challenge of giving me $80 million just to see how fast I can blow it. Offer still stands, billionaires. Let’s get this done.

Search for your dream home after the jump, you silly cash cows.

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