When Hollywood studios aren’t insulting us with films based on Candyland and Where’s Waldo?, they’re making terrible sports movies about dogs that can play football and Freddie Prinze Jr. throwing like Jim Abbott’s niece. And the latest sports-related movie idea receiving a green light is the Madden Curse. That’s right, EA is making a movie about a running joke based on coincidence. Why not?

So is this film going to be professional football’s Final Destination, as some magical force stalks elite players, ending their careers in their prime? No. Not at all. Instead, it will focus on a retired video game champion. Seriously.

Specific details concerning the plot remain sketchy, but EA VP Pat O’Brien reportedly said, “The story will follow a former ‘Madden’ video game champion who is forced out of retirement just as he finds himself on the corner of the game’s cover — and subject to the curse.” (Via Switched)

Hold on, the guy comes out of retirement because for some reason EA put him on the cover of Madden? The Madden Curse involves active players who have stellar, MVP-type seasons only to be injured the next season and never play at that elite level again. So why does the guy come out of retirement? Is he afraid that he’ll break his thumbs in a freak Call of Duty accident? Perhaps the main character could spend the entire film insisting that he’ll stay retired but then unretiring. And he can text a picture of his penis to Olivia Munn. Lord knows I’d like to.

A look back at the history of the Madden Curse after the jump…

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We discussed this on my podcast last night, but here it is for all of my deaf readers: God’s stabbiest linebacker is holding a contest to help promote his new custom line of apparel. Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis is launching a new line branded as “RL52 Style,” which seems a little silly. All he had to do was old out for that UGG’s endorsement like Tom Brady did. That line includes a sleeved blanket, which Ray is asking school students in Maryland to help him name. From the contest page:

“Name Ray’s Blanket with Sleeves Contest” ENTER NOW! You’ve seen the Snuggie* on TV, but Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis has come up with a BIGGER, BETTER and PLUSHER version of the famous “Blanket with Sleeves.”

After a hard day on the field, # 52 likes to relax on his couch with this soft and luxurious new addition to the RL52 Style Apparel line! Kids, Ray needs your help to name his new blanket.

If you can come up with the winning name for Ray’s Blanket with Sleeves, you could win an personally autographed RL52 Style Prize Pack and your school could win a visit from Ray Lewis, where he will give an inspirational speech.

First prize is a visit from Ray Lewis to your school. Second prize is your family doesn’t get murdered in the middle of the night. But seriously, it’s cool that Ray is doing things for himself off the field. I just wonder how many kids will submit the name “Stabbie.” It is Baltimore, after all.

Ray Lewis doesn't tolerate snitches.

The NFL has metaphorically bitch slapped the Baltimore Ravens, forcing the franchise to cancel their final week of offseason training camp. The move was made after the NFL got silent but deadly wind of a complaint filed by the NFLPA.

Reacting to a complaint filed by the player’s association against the Ravens, the league on Monday canceled the last week of Baltimore’s organized team activities, scheduled for June 14-18.

According to the NFL, the Ravens “violated the rules concerning the intensity and tempo of drills conducted on the club’s organized team activity days.” The league also cited the Ravens for “the length of time spent by players at the team facility” on those days. –ESPN

In the video after the jump, Adam Schefter puts forth a theory that it was a Ravens player that reported the team to the NFLPA, but quickly adds that “it wasn’t Ray Lewis.” That’s a safe assumption, Adam, considering Baltimore’s history with snitching. Also, I don’t think Ray-Ray would complain about the “intensity and tempo of drills,” when he was probably the reason they were so intense in the first place.

This will limit the time Baltimore’s offense has to build chemistry before the start of the season. The team has brought in Anquan Boldin and sober driver Donte Stallworth to give unibrow enthusiast Joe Flacco more targets on offense. Already, the two have almost perfected the trust falls it took Trent Dilfer a season to learn. When asked for comment, Todd Heap started to say something, but collapsed in pain before he could finish.

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The first thing I thought when I saw this was, “Hey, shouldn’t the bride be wearing a white jersey?” And then I thought, “Well, no. She should actually be wearing an entire wedding dress.” But I don’t know if this was just a reception thing or if they went through a whole wedding like this. And what’s up with that Ray Lewis dance? I wonder if he watched somebody stab his wife after the reception and then rode off in the limo by himself. That’s funny unless it’s exactly what happened. –Casey Carter, via Last Angry Fan.

Before yesterday, Rodney Harrison had contributed absolutely nothing in his first year as an “analyst” for NBC’s Sunday Night football coverage. He’s done nothing to separate himself from the notion that analysts are nothing more than notable ex-players thrust in front of the camera without any ability to bring the viewer closer to bring the viewer into the game. And so instead of trying to make any sort of notable point about this questionable roughing-the-passer call in the Patriots-Ravens game yesterday, he called out Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for…something.

Horrible call. You can’t make this call. And Tom Brady, if you’re listenin’, take off the skirt and put on some slacks. Toughen up.

To be fair, Harrison is the guy lost in the shuffle with the addition of Uncle Tom Dungy; Rodney’s opportunities to say anything are fairly limited. That said, let’s back the truck up. Brady didn’t throw the flag on Terrell Suggs, the referee did. And secondly, if taking two steps and falling into a guy’s knee isn’t a personal foul [depending on the language of the rule], it should be. Regardless of the amount of contact, how can a lunge into a guy’s knee like that be construed as anything but forcible?

And Ray Lewis, if you’re going to play the victim on-camera again anytime soon? Try a different hat.

MORE NFL

The Raiders Still Waiting For Their First Break.

JaMarcus Russell Throws It Where Only The Defender Can Catch It.

AMI Decries Snyder’s Bush-League Greed.

With less than three minutes to play, the Eagles had the ball and led by two scores in what was about to be an upset of the conference’s top-seeded team in hostile Giants Stadium. And so Donovan McNabb showed a tiny sign that he was having fun on the football field.

What was the announcing booth’s reaction? “I just don’t know what goes through his head sometimes.” Because why would a booth featuring Joe Buck NOT come off as uptight assholes? If Brett Favre did something like that, they would have chuckled and talked about “how much fun he’s having out there.” Am I calling Troy Aikman and Joe Buck racists? Well, that wasn’t my intention, but sure. Why not.

POLL: Who was McNabb calling? After the jump, video of Ray Lewis attempting to remove Ahmard Hall’s head, plus a bonus gallery of dejected fans and players. Your tears warm my black soul!

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