"Stand up and clap or he will kill you."

New Jersey Nets owner, former Russian presidential candidate, and James Bond villain Mikhail Prokhorov has had a busy offseason as he attempts to bring the New Jersey Brooklyn Nets back to prominence in a city that is aching for NBA relevance. Despite not yet landing their beloved trade target Dwight Howard, the Nets made other big splashes by trading for Joe Johnson’s horrendous contract and re-signing Brook Lopez, Kris Humphries, Gerald Wallace, and, of course, Deron Williams.

But forget that the Nets basically just added Johnson to a 22-44 team – that also went 7-15 after acquiring Wallace last season – because with a new arena opening and new uniforms, this is a promising, exciting time for a team that many have considered the Clippers of New York for years. Prokhorov won’t let numbers or records stand in his way of having a good time and building his team’s buzz, either. He’s excited enough that he’s even promising to take the stage with Jay-Z and rap.

According to Mr. Prokhorov, a reprise is in the works, but this time in downtown Brooklyn, where Jay-Z will open the $1 billion Barclays Center with a series of sold-out concerts this fall. “Yes, I will rap at his concert,” Mr. Prokhorov informed Crain’s via email. “I am in rehearsals now 10 hours a day and plan to demand joint billing.” (Via Crain’s New York, H/T to SLAM)

Obviously people think he’s joking, but I can just imagine him in a top secret laboratory screaming at scientists to rush their development of a microchip that will make him the greatest rapper in the world. He doesn’t need it, though. He’s already proven that he’s rocking wicked MC skills on the mic.

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Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson’s rap debut is here and it’s got all the football references you’d expect from a football guy rapping, including “she opened up her shirt like Cam New” and the oddly-appropriate-for-comparing-football-to-sex hashtag “lights out, Shawne Merriman”.

Additional sample lyric:

I’m sayin’ let’s
go go go go go go go go go go go go go go
I’m sayin’ let’s
go go go go go go go go go go go go go go

Players View puts it as bluntly as possible, saying Run It Back is “on-par musically with what’s out there with it’s rolling snares and sparse instrumentation”. In layman’s terms, that means “it’s not really great, but it doesn’t sound like Must Be The Money”.

Most of the references work, too, except for the one about how Johnson “Superman’d in her like Cam do”. If we’re going by the Soulja Boy definition of Supermanning a hoe, that’s not really something you can do inside of her. I think my favorite part is the direct comparison of vaginal penetration to Arian Foster. If we’re making Texasn references, I’m sad he didn’t let me on the track. I need somewhere to drop my dope line about being “rap’s T. J. Yates in the grass and the dirt/only here ’cause two other quarterbacks are hurt”.

Someone sent me the above image of LMFAO “performing” during timeouts at Game 5 of the NBA Finals last night, and all I could think was: “This is Miami in a nutshell.” It’s overindulgence at its finest. I mean, they were celebrating during the game. But it doesn’t matter now, because the Miami Heat are the NBA Champions and LeBron James and Chris Bosh finally have their vindication (of sorts).

I bring no ill will today, as the Heat earned this title, and I predicted it would happen before the season, so I’ll just sit here and be glad that for once in my insignificant life, I was right about something. But I can’t help but share the video showing how James, Bosh, and Dwyane Wade celebrated their title – presumably before they rolled around on mountains of cash with naked models.

I present to you: LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade rapping with LMFAO, or the most Miami Heat thing you’ll ever see.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: This GIF is also very Miami Heat.

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Earlier today, Uncle Vinnie over at FilmDrunk introduced us to a vintage film that is near and dear to my heart, Miami Connection, which is about an 80s rock band that moonlights as ninjas in order to clean up the streets of Orlando and its terrible cocaine trade. And yes, I’m so amazingly pissed that I didn’t write that film.

Well, intrepid commenter Ace Rimmer doubled down on the amazeballs with a music video entitled, “The Karate Rap.” Apparently this holy-sh*ttingly incredible video has already made the rounds for the past few months, but I hadn’t seen it until today, and you get the point – it’s awesome.

Created by David Seeger and his wife, Holly Whitsock Seeger, “The Karate Rap” is a reminder that the Mayan calendar should have ended in 1987.

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But not all of them. I hope at least someone from The Smoking Section will appreciate that joke.

Anyway, this Russian rap video has everything you’d expect from a Russian rap video — gangsters bragging about what appears to be Monopoly money, beautiful woman with incredible midsections who will morph into horrid-looking old ladies when they turn 25, random dudes in judo clothes — and, most importantly, Alexander Ovechkin. In a sideways hat. Rapping. All it needs is TaTU and someone piledriving a bear and it’s basically every Russian thing in history.

As a hockey fan it makes me kinda sad to see teaching someone how to do the Soviet Dougie. As a Caps fan, I have to defend it by challenging Sidney Crosby to remember an entire verse without his brain shutting down. That’s what it’s come to, isn’t it? Which guy’s brain is more irreparably damaged.

Feel free to hop over to Puck Daddy and browse the transcribed lyrics, wherein Ovie brags about all the cool championships he’s won and being in the All-Star Game. Nothing in there about the Stanley Cup, though.

And now, the worst thing Andy Roddick has done to white people since bagging Mandy Moore.

Allow him to introduce himself, his name is Roddick. Pronounced with an -umpty. This is him doing music’s equivalent of getting busy in a Burger King bathroom, rapping a personalized version of Digital Underground’s untouchable classic “The Humpty Dance” with Bobby Bones of Austin’s The Bobby Bones Show. A few truths: 1) This should not be happening, 2) This is happening at the Bobby Bones Tacky Sweater Party, which sorta cements the fact that Bobby Bones is the Weenie And The Butt of Austin radio (or Crazy Ira And The Douche, if you prefer that reference) and 3) If Andy Roddick was cool he’d be dancing around with Deb from the Morning X. If I was cool I would be doing the same thing.

Anyway, yeah. In a 69 Andy Roddick’s nose will tickle your rear. I can’t “fault” him for trying. Tennis jokes.

[via Busted Racquet]