While most parody Twitter accounts simply bring us incredibly accurate portrayals of NFL quarterbacks, an account dedicated to Italian striker Mario Balotelli actually helped spread a friendly reminder earlier this morning to aspiring European soccer hooligans. In a recent interview, Balotelli said that if any fans get out of hand and downright racist toward him at next month’s Euro 2012 tournament, he will kill them.

Plain and simple.

“I will not accept racism at all,” Balotelli, who was abused by Juventus and Roma fans while playing for Inter Milan in 2009, told France Football magazine.

“If someone throws a banana at me in the street, I will go to jail because I will kill them,” he added, referring to an incident in Rome when someone threw a banana at him in a bar.

“It was lucky the police arrived quickly because I swear, I would have beaten them. I would really have destroyed them.

“I hope it never happens again.” (Via Reuters India)

UEFA officials, in unison with Polish and Ukrainian leaders, have assured Euro 2012 fans that the tournament will be free of racism and hatred, despite the recent reminders that some European soccer fans like to wave Nazi flags at soccer games. But Balotelli and other players that have faced racist taunts and chants aren’t quite buying it.

I think the best solution for Balotelli would be to train Ukraine’s stray dogs to sniff out and destroy racist soccer fans. If anything, it would make for one hell of a Pixar movie after the tournament.

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If Fourth Place Medal‘s headline had been the end of the story (“Usain Bolt dumped his girlfriend to focus on London Olympics”) I would’ve disagreed with his decision, but I would’ve understood.

News reports suggest Bolt’s break up with Lubica Slovak, 28, was because of his desire to repeat his double gold/world record Olympic performance in London. The Jamaican swept the sprint events in 2008 and set the world marks in each race.

A source close to Bolt told the Sun, “He will have plenty of time for relationships. At the moment he’s concentrating on his running career and doesn’t want anything to distract from that.”

Being a peak Olympic athlete is an every-second-of-your-life dedication that requires unimaginable sacrifice, no matter how much faster you are than everyone already and no matter how foxy the Slovakian fashion designer you’ve been dating for six months is. An athlete’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets, or whatever. “Sorry, I can’t love you, I HAVE TO RUN A LOT.”

Sadly, that doesn’t appear to be the end of the story. Some sources are saying that the Olympics had nothing to do with Usain calling it quits and that he broke up with Lubica because she’s white, he has a “white woman complex” and couldn’t deal with the backlash from a picture of them kissing. Because if a black guy and a white lady are dating for six months that’s fine, but if they kiss … that’s just too far.

Here’s the pic in question:

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Jay Z owns 1.5% of the Brooklyn Nets and played a role in designing their new uniforms — simple black and white gear with a shield on the front that says “NETS” and a basketball with a B on it. Thankfully, the New York Post’s Phil Mushnick is here to point out an aspect of the unis that us basement-dwelling man-children in the blogging community might’ve missed: that black people are violent animals. Wait, what?

From his column ‘Equal Time’:

As long as the Nets are allowing Jay-Z to call their marketing shots — what a shock that he chose black and white as the new team colors to stress, as the Nets explained, their new “urban” home — why not have him apply the full Jay-Z treatment?

Why the Brooklyn Nets when they can be the New York N——s? The cheerleaders could be the Brooklyn B—-hes or Hoes. Team logo? A 9 mm with hollow-tip shell casings strewn beneath. Wanna be Jay-Z hip? Then go all the way!

In case you bl—cked out reading that, Phil Mushnick has decided that black people only dress in monochrome, that when you say Brooklyn is urban you have to say it’s “urban” because you don’t mean urban, you mean black, and if a rapper were put in charge of a basketball team he’d obviously degrade women, call his players a racial slur and change their logo to a gun.

As you might already know, people who say racist sh*t can never understand why people think THEY’RE the racist. You can read this next blockquote, wherein Mushnick expresses outrage over people having a problem with the pageview diarrhea that comes out of his fingers, or you can just assume he said “but it’s the N**GER who is racist!” and move on with your life.

Such obvious, wishful and ignorant mischaracterizations of what I write are common. I don’t call black men the N-word; I don’t regard young women as bitches and whores; I don’t glorify the use of assault weapons and drugs. Jay-Z, on the other hand…..Is he the only NBA owner allowed to call black men N—ers?

Jay-Z profits from the worst and most sustaining self-enslaving stereotypes of black-American culture and I’M the racist? Some truths, I guess, are just hard to read, let alone think about.

I don’t know, Herb Kohl can get pretty controversial.

And so continues the “old media becomes new media” circle of life, where people write something they know will be controversial, half a dozen people edit and publish something they know will be controversial and spend a few weeks wondering why everyone thinks it’s so controversial. And yes, I just called Herb Kohl a racist, please link to my blog.

Last night, the 7-seed Washington Capitals defeated the defending Stanley Cup champions and 2-seed Boston Bruins to advance in the NHL Playoffs, and plenty of Boston fans were none too pleased. Sadly, instead of simply enjoying a great upset in an exciting series, most of us are enjoying a huge buffet of WTF today.

After Caps RW Joel Ward scored the game-winning goal, Bruins fans took their frustrations to Twitter, and the personal attacks on Ward got out of control quickly. Sadly, the attacks weren’t based on the fact that Ward only scored 6 goals this season and had no business being the hero. Nope, it was because he’s black. And in case you didn’t know, Twitter can be quite the haven for racism.

Thousands of Tweets were posted within minutes, calling Ward the worst word of them all, and they basically all looked like this (NSFW for language)…

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Video full of dancing tribe guys gets “HOW IS THIS RACIST” comments, news at eleven. [via SOB]

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Me Making Appearances In Wrestling Places

Matches We Loved 2011: Part 1 - I’m not technically in this part (I should show up in part 2), but it’s got enough positive pro graps talk and people bleeding to death in Austin to make it feel like I am. Check this out, seriously. [Dirty Dirty Sheets]

Wear The Cheese: Hot Tag Podcast - A podcast with a 30-minute time limit that goes about 45 because I can’t shut up about disliking Pescetarians. Lots of fun. [Wear The Cheese]

The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 42: Brandon Stroud III - And, in case you missed it, my appearance on last week’s The Wrestling Podcast. This is mostly about Avatar: The Last Airbender, honestly. [The Wrestling Blog]

Links

The Washed Ferrari Scale: Rating Michael Bay’s Leading Ladies - I thought about firing Burnsy outright for saying Kate Beckinsale is hotter than Scarlett Johansson. [Film Drunk]

Can’t Be Faded: 40 Forgotten Nate Dogg Features - He laid all them busters down. He let his gat explode. Now he’s switching his mind back into freak mode. [Smoking Section]

The 20 Best Cold Opens from ‘The Office’ - There isn’t a character on television I’d like to see brutally beaten in his home than Jim Halpert. [Warming Glow]

Darren Aronofsky’s Ideas for a Batman Movie Were…Interesting - Well, it still sounds better than having Spider-Man have “puberty” by blowing his organic webshooters between the sheets in the morning. [Gamma Squad]

Make Every Tweet Count, You Guys. It Could Be Your Last. - “Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like it’s never gonna hurt!” – Heath Ledger [UPROXX]

Christina Hendricks Dressed In Leather, Posing With Weapons - Hey look, a post about tits and leather. Now we’re the website everybody thinks we are when I tell them I’m a blogger at “With Leather”. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s 25 Worst Places to Die - Gloucester City, New Jersey. It’s also on the 25 worst places to live or do anything else. [Adult Swim]

7 Comedians Without Their Beards - Tell me Bradley Cooper is in here. [HuffPost Comedy]

Stop-Motion TMNT Intro - They’re heroes in a half-shell, and they’re green? WELL HOLD ON A MINUTE. [High Definite]

We’ve talked a lot at With Leather about the racist things you are and aren’t allowed to say about Jeremy Lin’s unexpected run as the HNIC (or its equivalent) of the New York Knicks. We’ve disagreed a lot, and I probably shouldn’t have tried to quote Lean On Me in the previous sentence, but the one thing upon which we could reach a consensus opinion is “if you’ve got something racially sketchy to say about Jeremy Lin, don’t say it in front of a camera or type it on the Internet”.

Unfortunately, Maryland football signee Stefon Diggs has just discovered Lin and didn’t get the memo, so here he is on his Twitter saying Jeremy Lin’s penis is an egg roll and his balls are dumplings, because “China”. And yeah, getting furious and demanding apologies for it are a stupid waste of time, but it’s worth pointing out and just kinda broadly facepalming about.

Personally, I think Stefon should get back into his transformation chamber, turn back into Steve Diggs and be the lovable nerd we all know and love.

[h/t Jason Kirk @ SBN]