"LA LA LA LA LA! We can't hear you telling us how stupid this is!"

You know when your favorite sports team sucks and you’re like halfway through the season, so the owner fires the head coach and names some random schmuck the interim coach? And then you just wait and wait, and you keep telling yourself, “Be patient, when the season’s over, we’re going to hire the best coach available this time, some up-and-coming, energetic assistant who is aching to get a shot to prove he can run the whole show!” Finally, that day comes, and your team is the center of every coaching candidate rumor, and every analyst keeps saying, “This team will definitely hire that guy, because he’s the best option” and you’re just fist-pumping away, because YES! They’re about to finally make the right decision and this horrible experience will be over!

And then your team hires Dave Wannstedt and you’re like, “F*CK!” That’s how I feel today after reading that drag racer Alexis DeJoria is engaged to Jesse James after the couple has dated for a whopping month. In case you need a refresher, DeJoria was part of the recent Toyota Racing Dream Build Challenge, but she’s also a very wealthy heiress.

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This is relevant to my interests.

What’s the fastest (and slowest) famous movie/TV vehicle? We gathered 16 Star Cars at Barona Dragstrip in California to find out and burn rubber! Vehicles raced include KITT, the General Lee, Time Machine DeLorean, Transformers Bumblebee, Starksy’s Gran Torino, Herbie, the Bandit’s Trans Am, the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Van, the Bluesmobile, Green Hornet’s Black Beauty, and a few surprises in our season one finale.

If you’re like me, you’re going to watch Star Cars race a bunch of TV and movie-accurate cars against each other and run fantasy match-ups in your head all day long. Who would win in a race, Grandpa Munster’s DRAG-U-LA or The Man from U.N.C.L.E. car? The Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club or Hank and Dean Venture on hover bikes? Brum, or Caillou in rollerskates?

For all the pop culture races that matter, the season finale of Star Cars is below.

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Here’s a lesson to the people in charge of NASCAR: Don’t call something the “Roadside Assistance 500″ unless you’re ready for 500 people needing roadside assistance.

During the final lap of Sunday’s Good Sam Roadside Assistance 500 at the Talladega Superspeedway, Tony Stewart got caught up blocking to keep his lead, cut across Michael Waltrip and not only crashed everyone in the race, but everyone in the parking lot and like half the people on the freeway. Matt Kenseth managed to avoid the wreck (“The Big One”) and win the race. NASCAR spent an hour after the finish trying to sort the final order.

If you’re the type who doesn’t really like auto racing but loves crash videos, thank you for visiting our comedy sports blog. I’d like you to enjoy the clip in your own way, but to also keep in mind that Dale Earnhardt Jr. hates you and thinks you’re a Philistine.

“It’s not safe. It’s not. It’s bloodthirsty,” Dale Earnhardt Jr. said. “If that’s what people want, that’s ridiculous.”

“If this was what we did every week, I wouldn’t be doing it,” he said. “I’ll just put it to you that way. If this was how we raced every week, I’d find another job. That’s what the package is doing. It’s really not racing. It’s a little disappointing. It cost a lot of money right there.

“If this is how we’re going to continue to race and nothing is going to change, how about NASCAR builds the cars? It’ll save us a lot of money.”

Video of the crash is after the jump, jerk.

Additional analysis from 23rd-place finisher Clint Bowyer:

“That’s just Talladega. That’s why we all come out and watch.”

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I’m not a big fan of NASCAR. I like making Danica Patrick jokes as much as the next guy, but my best racing memory is the time Dale Earnhardt, Sr., was on ‘King Of The Hill’, so I don’t write about it a lot. When we get a chance to talk to Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., I let Burnsy handle it.

That all being said, I had to share this clip of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., reading a letter to his 16-year old self from ‘CBS This Morning’. It’s a powerful, moving look at a guy who was born into privilege, forced to grow under one of the biggest, darkest shadows ever and brought to tears by the knowledge that he should’ve been a lot nicer to his Mom. He’s incredibly human here, and I’ll never be able to think of Dale Jr. as “the guy from commercials for products I’m not interested in” again.

Check out the video after the jump. Sorry for it being baby-sized, CBS doesn’t really operate for people our age.

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I’m just slumming it on the sports blog until they make me full-time over at Gamma Squad, so I’m excited to announce that NASCAR beauty Danica Patrick will be appearing alongside Sonic the Hedgehog in the upcoming multi-platform kart racer Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed. Wait, no I’m not, I think it’s the stupidest f**king news I’ve ever heard.

But no, seriously, Danica will be a playable character in a game where a hedgehog who can run super fast decides to race people in a car (?) that turns into a boat and then into an airplane. You know, instead of running. She’ll appear alongside such luminaries as Amigo the Maracas Monkey, the taxi driver from Crazy Taxi and “Gilius Thunderhead”, which I’m guessing was Danica’s name before she became a driver.

Quick, try to decide which of these statements was most written by a public relations team!

“It’s a very exciting experience since I’ll be sharing the screen with such an iconic character,” said Danica Patrick. “I cannot wait for gamers to jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season!”

“Danica Patrick is one of the most popular athletes in the world and her accomplishments both on and off the track make her the perfect partner for Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed,” said Masanao Maeda, President and COO, SEGA of America.

I can’t decide which is harder to believe, the fact that the Japanese COO of SEGA thought “that lady racecar driver people know” would be perfect for his monkeys in hovercrafts garbageware game or that Danica Patrick said the phrase “jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season” in real life. The full picture of Danica on the Sonic stock car she’ll be driving during the O’Reilly Auto Parts Challenge on November 3 at the Texas Motor Speedway is below, because video games!

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Jeffrey Earnhardt, grandson of “The Intimidator” Dale Earnhardt and nephew of “Not As Intimidating But He’s In Jeans Commercials” Dale Earnhardt, Jr., races on the Rolex Sports Car Series and the NASCAR Nationwide Series. Starting this Tuesday, he’s pulling a Bo Jackson and becoming a two-sport athlete: Jeffrey (or as I like to call him, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.*”) is fighting at Fight Lab 25 in Charlotte, N.C. as an amateur, going up against bantamweight competitor Chris Faison.

We’re about to have an Earnhardt in MMA. Why, you ask? Because people don’t think driving is a real sport. Jeff is hoping to validate the athleticism of stock car racing by being athletic in a way that has nothing to do with stock cars or racing. No, really!

“A lot of people don’t see race car athletes as true athletes … They don’t think we’re capable of doing anything other than sitting in a car and driving in a circle. A lot of people don’t understand the reality of it. This is an opportunity to prove to people that race car drivers are athletes. It’s a lot harder than people realize. Hopefully this MMA fight will help people realize that, and that we can hold our own as athletes.” (via MMA Fighting)

I’m sure there are accountants out there that do CrossFit and could rip my arms off, that doesn’t mean accounting is a sport. And hey, just because fighting is a sport doesn’t mean everyone who does it is an athlete. I’m a blogger and I could probably knock out Bob Sapp.

Regardless of his intent, I’ll be watching. I’m pretty excited for a guy who smiles like that to enter the world of punching.