If you’re familiar with our A Guide to Recognizing Your Mascots series (specifically the Northwest League edition) you’re familiar with Eugene Emeralds mascot “Sluggo”, a chatty, lime-green bear with abandonment and voyeurism issues. It should come as no surprise to you that Sluggo has now made National News™ by instructing a child to kick a tree in the gonads because he lost a game of musical chairs.

The moment happened during the Emeralds’ “Blue Balls Night” promotion last month and marred the event, Eugene’s second most popular promotion behind “Cockblock Saturdays”. Two ball boys engage in a game of musical chairs with secondary mascot “Douglas Fir”. Douglas cheats to win, shoving one of the little boys out of the seat at the last minute, and because we’re a part of a weird society that rewards horrible behavior in young people, Sluggo blatantly instructs the kid to boot DF between the roots. The announcers even call it “karma”. Shaking my damn head, Eugene Emeralds.

I think true karma would be for Douglas Fir to die and for those kids eventually suffocate to death because they chopped him down and f**ked their own air supply.

[h/t Off the Bench]

Hi. This is uh, David Smith, senior. And he is the humannnn … home run. Or the human cannonball. /awkward smile

69-year old “Cannonball” Smith turning himself into a human home run between games of a doubleheader between the Connecticut Tigers and Lowell Spinners on Tuesday, making him the first old man to fly over a minor league fence since the Norfolk Tides manager Gary Allenson went climbing out of spite last month. Smith’s trip was much more dignified, which is funny when you consider he was dressed like an American flag and being shot out of a cannon.

I miss the good old days when you had to actually do something ridiculous like this as a trade if you wanted to be famous for doing something dumb. The very best part of this story isn’t a senior citizen flying to his death on some rural hill, it’s the reverse angle video (after the jump) where you find out he preps for flight with Rick Derringer’s (and more important, Hulk Hogan’s) “Real American”. I’m glad he’s using it, too, because being a human home run is way more American than bodyslamming a fat guy from France.

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You know a meme has outstayed its welcome when Minor League Baseball teams start using it for promotion. Rebecca Black’s co-starring role in Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” video has become a professional shadow-seeing groundhog, and we’re suffering through six more weeks of her — watch in abject horror as representatives of the Round Rock Express (my local Triple-A affiliate of the Texas Rangers) do a parody of “Friday” to get you excited about fireworks.

By the way, if you’re watching the video, he’s saying “Bud fireworks”, not “butt fireworks”. It’s pretty sad when the man-sized dog in a conductor’s outfit is the least humiliated person in your video. Do I even need something to get me excited about fireworks? They’re FIREWORKS. What’s next, backflipping ninja fail Epic Fail afro wig Tuesday? If I go to the game on Sunday afternoon, will the first 2,500 fans receive a free Lemon Party team photo? Uh, actually, pretty sure I’m not going to that Sunday game.

[video via RRExpressTV]

Or as I like to call it, “Brandon Throwing Up at the Ballpark.” Tonight, the Class AA Richmond Flying Squirrels are featuring a Tribute to Bacon Night at The Diamond. The game will feature on-field bacon-themed promotions, a chance to enter to win a year-long supply of pork from the Virginia Pork Industry, and (believe it or not) participation from Kevin Bacon. Well, sort of. Squirrels Vice President and COO Todd “Parney” Parnell explains with the kind of carny panache I love in my Minor League Baseball.

“Kevin is a busy guy, so we’re thrilled that he was able to find time in his schedule to make an appearance on Tribute to Bacon Night … Having him here will definitely add some extra sizzle to a night we were already planning to ham up.”

The rub here is that the “Kevin Bacon” appearing at the game is a detective with the Chesterfield County Police Department who works with the Chesterfield Crime Solvers program and enjoys going to church, “as well as golfing.” He’s throwing out the first pitch and is signing autographs for some reason, but he’s not the same guy that invisible-raped Rhona Mitra, and he’s neither the guy was killed by Jason’s Mom nor the one condemned to stillness by John Lithgow.

His favorite movie titles featuring the actor, Kevin Bacon, include “Apollo 13,” “A Few Good Men,” and “Footloose.”

Wednesday night’s promotion is “Free Triple Bypass Night at the Ballpark,” with special guest Dr. Phil, but not that one.

[H/T Ballpark Digest]

The Tampa Bay Rays AA affiliate, the Montgomery Biscuits, have been whoring out a chunk of the organization’s farm system this season with a series of “Win a Date” promotions. Most recently, the Biscuits offered up third baseman Henry Wrigley’s gravy when the team had women register and compete on-field to win an evening with the 24-year old slugger last Thursday night against Chattanooga. And while the Biscuits lost that game 3-2, some lucky lady took home a hunky prize. I assume she took him home because minor league ballplayers will sleep with anything.

The Wrigley date was the second such pimping that the team had announced in recent months, as the Biscuits hosted a speed dating night on May 27. During that promotion, female fans were able to sign up for four minute “dates” with the entire Biscuits roster, which is pretty cool because that means they got to do it at least twice. Right? That’s average, from what I’ve been told.

Video of Henry Wrigley’s “B Harmony” dating video after the jump.

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