If you are not already waist-deep in a puddle of squee at the sight of a golden retriever puppy in a hockey jersey, prepare to deal with the cutest, saddest Facebook bio ever:

Hi, I’m Ray Charles a golden retriever that was born blind (12/8/12), but don’t feel bad for me! I can run and play and do everything else other dogs that can see do! I live at home with my two older brothers Harley and Jack and my sister Maggie!

You should already be frantically running around your house screaming OH MY GOD HOW DO I HUG AND HELP THIS BLIND PUPPY WHO LOVES HOCKEY. I can’t help you on the hugging part (that’s up to Ray Charles’ owners), but I CAN share with you a way to help him out … you see, there’s a petition going around trying to get Ray Charles The Oh My God Blind Golden Retriever Puppy Are You Serious into a Boston Bruins home playoff game as the celebrity guest puck-dropper.

“An avid Boston Bruins fan, Ray would like to drop the puck at a Bruins home game and we need your help to make this happen,” the petition says.

“For all the joy he has brought us, it seems only fair that we take a few moments to sign his petition. “Ray Charles may not have his sight, but we can still show him how much he means to all of us! Help Ray Charles drop the puck at a Boston Bruins game and keep helping to enrich the wonderful dog’s life!” (via NESN)

Signing this petition is the most important thing you’ll ever do. I don’t want to live in a world where a blind golden retriever wants to drop a puck at a hockey game and doesn’t get to. LOOK AT HIS JERSEY. HE CAN’T. Sign this thing and join the over 3000 people who have announced to the world that they have a heart and are not horrible.

(I love you and want the best for you, Ray Charles.)
(I would also very much like to hug you.)

We don’t get to talk about late night talk shows very much, not since Magic Johnson made sure that no athlete would ever again grace the stage of a major network. Fortunately, while Jay Leno and Charlie Sheen were busy tap-dancing on Johnny Carson’s grave, Jimmy Fallon was cheaply pandering to us Internet sports geeks with two things that we love more than our own mothers – the Super Bowl and puppies.

Fallon was doing his letters shtick and revealed a very good question from one of his viewers:

“Hey Jimmy, do you think you can predict the Super Bowl and can you do it using puppies?”

Puppies, of course, are the most scientific of animal prognosticators, as octopi are actual psychics, camels are dark wizards and otters are simply frauds. Adorable, yes. But otters are basically the Miss Cleo of the ocean. So who did these adorable little Golden Retriever pups pick? See for yourself after the jump.

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A nice counterpoint to the heavy stuff I wrote about yesterday. The grunting really makes it. (via Tastefully Offensive)

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Links

FilmDrunk’s 2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket - I’m not quite as acerbic about movies as Vince, and I love at least 6 of the Best Picture nominees this year. Not a fan of The Help, War Horse or Pay 9/11 Forward. [Film Drunk]

The Dying Art Of Rap Battles & Beefs - Well hey, at least now we’ve got a Twitter feud between a remorseless violent dancing man-child and a pro wrestler security guards wouldn’t let into the arena because they thought he was a fan! [Smoking Section]

‘Community’ Hiatus Might Have Actually Improved Its Chances at Renewal - I want so badly for these characters to graduate. Shows with a logical end need to reach their logical end! [Warming Glow]

Our 30 Favorite Pictures From This Year’s Mardi Gras Chewbacchanal -
“Here’s a thing we do where we get drunk and girls shows us their boobs. How could we make it better?” “STAR WARS.” [Gamma Squad]

In Case You Ever Wanted To See Robert Downey Jr. As A Pinup Girl - I haven’t, but uh, thanks for sharing. [UPROXX]

Man Repeatedly Pepper-Sprayed At Disneyland During Fight - Where were these guys when Ursula was trying to destroy Prince Eric’s boat? Or when Gaston was in the woods trying to stab folks? [Buzzfeed]

Rick Santorum’s Gmail Inbox Reveals The Truth About GOP Candidate (PICTURE) - The guy’s last name is “Santorum” for Christ’s sakes, don’t vote for him. Who’s his VP gonna be, Charles Mung? [HuffPost Comedy]

Off The Air: 11 Things Adult Swim Left Online - I wish somebody would accidentally leave ‘Look Around You’ season 2 on a U.S. DVD. [Adult Swim]

How They Made The Greatest Simpsons Episode Of All-Time, “Homer At The Bat” - “Last Exit To Springfield” is the greatest Simpsons episode of all-time, thank you very much. [FARK]

Bossip Exclusive: Ray J Planning To Sue Radio Station Over Spoof Fake Interview Discussing Whitney And Bobby - Any time Ray J talks, the other person should respond with OH RAY J, OH RAY J, OH BAYBEE~ until he shuts up. [Bossip]

How Do You Improve Mardi Gras? Add Will Ferrell - I like that Will Ferrell is just wandering around hanging out at stuff he likes. Beer commercials, Spanish language movies, Minor League Baseball, Mardi Gras. [The FW]

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I just tuned in to see what condition her condition was in.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Here’s Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Extravaganza, Featuring M.I.A. Flipping America Off - And now, the real one. I would’ve given anything for Kratos to show up and brutally murder everyone on stage. [UPROXX]

Memory Lane: Vintage Nike Ads - Somebody needs to make a loop of these with the Earl Woods DID YA LEARN ANYTHING speech over it. [Smoking Section]

Subway Graffiti Artists Turn Offensive ‘Mad Men’ Ads Into Awesome ‘Mad Men’ Ads - These are awesome, but I’d be happier if someone could turn an ad into a time machine and move us forward a couple of months so we could watch this goddamn show. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek: The Next Generation on Blu-ray Looks Way Better Than You Ever Thought a 25-Year-Old Syndicated TV Show Could - Now let’s get Deep Space Nine out on blu-ray so people who watch Star Trek can realize they’re stupid and that it is the best ever. [Gamma Squad]

Can’t A Guy Order A Big Black Dildo Online Without Getting All Kinds Of Pervy Junkmail? - I know, I ordered 3 Superbook DVDs like four years ago and have been getting HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS junkmail ever since. YES I HAVE HEARD IT. [UPROXX]

Susan G. Komen Demonstrates Perfectly How To Destroy Your Brand On The Internet - I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think she’s Ozymandias and we haven’t had a time to hear her doomsday speech. [UPROXX]

Chronicle Review: Can a cheap gimmick ruin a great story? - As someone who watches a lot of pro wrestling, uh, yes, yes it can. It can also ruin bad stories. [Film Drunk]

When Drunk-Dialing Goes Wrong: Drake Sued By “Marvin’s Room” Ex - I’m gonna drunk dial my ex with a radio edited “youda youda bess” and see if she sues. Chef! [Smoking Section]

Lana Del Rey Returns To SNL In The Form Of Kristen Wiig - They needed to more directly point out that it wasn’t what she did or looked like, it was that her song sounded super bad. pBuzzfeed]

13 Puppy Stampedes - nyah hee hee nyah hee hee [HuffPost Comedy]

Michael Cera tries to grow a mustache. With results that are pretty much just what you’d expect - Please don’t ruin the Arrested Development movie with your stupid personal bullsh*t, Cera, the rest of the world isn’t interested in Paper Hearts. [FARK]

Steven Van Zandt Crushes ‘Sopranos’ Movie Dreams - Turns out Tony Soprano died in a plane crash, and now whenever they play Freebird they put his hat on the mic stand. [Moviefone]

Gary Oldman’s Dramatic Recounting of Snooki’s Urinary Tract Infection - Somewhere Chris Walken is getting upset about Gary stepping on his toes. [Pajiba]

A Gallery of the Most Egregious Video Game Console Knockoffs - The “Wee” mini-DVD player is more or less the Monald Muck of consoles. Also, lol @ the Super Megason. [Unreality]

Yesterday morning, the town of Washington, Virginia (Pop. A few hundo) showed its pride and admiration for its most famous citizen – Grand Champion Foxcliffe Hickory Wind. Affectionately known as Hickory to her family and friends, the 5-year old Scottish Deerhound was declared the Honorary Grand Marshall of the town’s Christmas parade. Note to anyone organizing a Christmas parade: ALWAYS MAKE A DOG YOUR GRAND MARSHALL. Also, put a funny hat on it.

Hickory’s claim to fame, of course, was becoming the first of her breed to win the “Best in Show” distinction at this year’s Westminster Dog Show. And to make her year even more amazing and adorable, Hickory gave birth to a litter of 9 puppies last month, two of which joined her for yesterday’s parade festivities. I assume the other 7 have been sold. God, I hope they weren’t eaten.

So in case you’re keeping score, this is about a world champion dog and puppies, which are two of my 5 prerequisites for making this an awesome post. The other three are all breasts.

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Links

Fun Fun Fun Fest In Austin - I’m going to miss out on Public Enemy, Childish Gambino AND Anarchy Championship Wrestling because as a local I didn’t spend 200 dollars on tickets 8 months ago. Somebody at the fest wanna read this and toss me a couple of tickets? I’ll promote you on my … on my uh, sports blog. [FunFunFun Fest]

The 10 Best Ways For Artists To Build Their Brands At Music Festivals - I like using the word “brand” in situations like this, because it reminds me of that contact lens commercial. “MY BRAND!” [Smoking Section]

This Man Is Terrified of Puppies - I got into an argument with my girlfriend over whether this clip is funny or sad. She won, I guess, because I couldn’t come up with an point broader than “come on, really?” [Warming Glow]

Haley Joel Osment Looks… Healthy - At this point I feel like Emily Osment should just cut her hair super short and tell people she’s Haley Joel. She’ll get more street cred, and he’ll still look like a human being. [Film Drunk]

Parks & Meth: ‘Breaking Bad’ Hilariously Meets ‘Parks & Rec’ - I want to start a site for articles like this nobody would Tumble. Like, ‘Three’s Company Hilariously Meets St. Elsewhere’. Waste two hours making graphics and watch the four dissatisfied hits roll in. |UPROXX|

Hoverboards Are Real; Effing Sweet - We’re through the looking glass, people. [Gamma Squad]

LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M MAKING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER! - More like R. Lee Navy, am I right [Film Drunk]

Mr. Belding Is Doing Pretty Well, Actually - I don’t care what you say, he was the best part of ‘Saved By The Bell’. That show would’ve just been ‘California Dreams’ without him. [Warming Glow]

10 Marvelous Money Faces - Linking this here because “Marvelous Money Face” was my favorite Dick Tracy villain. [Buzzfeed]

Finally, We Have The Question To Which There Is No Answer: What Is The Best Coldplay Song? - I don’t understand my own relationship with Coldplay. I don’t think they’re bad or musically untalented, but Jesus, there’s no band that gets me to change the radio station faster. [FARK]

Is ‘The Three Musketeers’ the Stupidest Movie Ever Made? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions) - …yet I’m sure everyone involved, including Paul W.S. stupid Anderson, will get to make whatever they want next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. [Moviefone]

Come Up with the Best Reverse 80′s Remake. Win a Pajiba T-Shirt - Remember, nobody made real movies in the 80s, it was always just Molly Ringwald with Depeche Mode playing in the background. [Pajiba]