Roger Federer won a shave-off yesterday in where else but Shanghai:

Appearing at a publicity event for a vibrating razor, Federer demonstrated his skills with a blade to 1,000 youths at a Chinese coming of age ceremony. Introduced as the world's sexiest man, Federer also said he wanted to play until he was 35 — and that he wants Brad Pitt to play him if a movie was made about the Swiss player's life . . . "Brad Pitt did some tough movies and I'd like mine to be a tough movie too," said Federer, who will be bidding for a fourth title at the Masters Cup beginning on Sunday. "Comedy would be fine too but I'm more a tough-guy movie kind of guy." Federer finished his appearance in downtown Shanghai by shaving alongside three baby-faced Chinese 20-year-olds, who appeared not to know one end of a razor from the other. "You have to put water on your face," Federer advised his fellow shavers, who shook nervously under the glare of flashlights and television cameras. "Then add the shaving cream."

Did they round-up these other contestants from the Tiananmen Square "re-education" class?  God bless Mr. Federer for instructing these lads in a male rite of passage. He's a soft-touch. But tough. Who's tougher than a tennis player? No one, that's who. Although Brad Pitt is a bit of stretch. I assume Rog wants Brad to play his life, so he can feel less guilty about waxing his cat-gut to Angelina Jolie. Garry Shandling is the only person who can play Federer. -KD

If you miniaturized the implements of Canada's national sport, removed the ice, replaced skates for socks, and played on your knees, you'd be left with this:

Apparently, players must have mini-testicles as well. -KD

Women in Pamplona, Spain want to run with the bulls too:

A student website, www.estudiln.net, set the ball rolling with its campaign "Cows want to run" which asks for a separate encierro, as the bull-runs are known, where only women are allowed to take part.

Um, I'm not an expert in parle-ing Espanol, but you might not want to refer to yourselves as cows, ladies. If you're a little overweight, that's cool – just don't draw attention to yourself by comparing yourself to a heifer. You also want to shed that extra weight as soon as possible.  Dr. D prescribes stomach staples and an exclusive diet of SlimFast until your rib cage is visible.

"Cows, as well as bulls, have four legs and a natural instinct to run," says their manifesto. "An encierro for cows, would put Pamplona at the vanguard of traditional fiestas with equality for men and women."

Oh, you want to run with cows instead of bulls? I'm sorry, my Spanish is mui malo. Aren't the misunderstandings that result from inaccurate translations funny? Ha, ha. In that case, your request to jog with cows is denied because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  And learn English. -KD

Your intrepid assistant editor alerted you on St. Patrick's Day that ESPN would televise the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship this summer.  Well, the thrilling contest was yesterday, and Matti Leshem, co-commissioner of the USARPS League, was excited:

"It's a real validation for the sport," . . . the league has only been around since 2005, Leshem says, "but this is a game played since the beginning of recorded history. Back to the caveman days," Leshem says, though he adds, "it was known as rock rock rock in those days." The discovery of new materials led to a change in the approach. "For a time, it was known as rock papyrus spear, which you may have heard of before," he says.

Whoo, this guy is funny – watch out Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks, someone is stealing your 2,000-Year-Old Man act.  What makes a RPS champion, Mr. Leshem?

"Skill, athleticism, the ability to read an opponent – to know what your opponent is going to throw before they throw it, . . .there are injuries, people dislocate shoulders or sprain wrists."

Really?  It seems like the people that play RPS seriously would have have very strong wrists and shoulders.

Also, like poker, "it takes a moment to learn, but a lifetime to master," Leshem says. "It's like chess, right? You have to practice, and you really start to feel the Zen of throwing. Eventually, a world view develops, he says. "You look at life as a tripartite thing, that life is not black and white, it's not a binary on-off switch – there's the possibility of third choice."

That is so profound. I bet most RPS players embrace the third choice philosophy, especially in their personal lives. (And isn't Othello the game that takes a minute to  learn and a lifetime to master?) -KD

(Lovely Brande-NSFW is the USARPSL 'Rock' girl – see more here.  And check out More Credible for the demise of ESPN.)

According to Barry Jackson of the Miami Herald (last item), ESPN will carry the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship this year.  RPS is not a sport you say?  Let's look to the With Leather Employee Handbook written by the Chief for clarification:

A "sport" meets the following criteria:

1. The event is a physical contest  and
2. The event is sponsored by an alcoholic beverage and
3. The event  is attended or supported by sexy people.

Since USARPS has a contest for 'official RPS Girls', is sponsored by Bud Light, and requires some (albeit minimal) arm motion to throw the implement of your choice, this qualifies as a sport dear reader.  Expect much more coverage of the RPS League from your ever-thorough Assistant Editor now that we have established that it is indeed a sport and because the lovely Alexandra (pictured) has catapulted to #5 on the KD Dream-Mistress List.

Happy St. Patrick's Day – that's all I've got for today as the Jameson and Redheads have put me in the mood for love.  See you in the Police Blotter. -KD