Former Washington Redskins QB Joe Theismann used to be an analyst for the NFL Network, as part of the Thursday Night Football “Screw You, Fans” crew that included Matt Millen and Bob Papa. Fortunately, for Theismann in his unemployment, he discovered Super Beta Prostate in time for the opener, so he doesn’t need a game clock to manage his bathroom breaks in case he gets the call back to the booth.

The commercial for Super Beta Prostate has been popping up for a few weeks now, but I crack up every time I see it, because I just can’t get enough of the idea of “Captain Bubbly” having to sprint out of the booth between every play to take a piss. Hell, that should be a new show – “This season, the only thing between Joe Theismann and a urinal is… Lawrence Taylor.” I’d watch the hell out of that.

After the jump, join Theismann’s Nationwide One Million Bottle Giveaway while I wait for someone to upload a commercial of Ron Jaworski pitching Rhino Condoms.

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One of the NFL’s many official sponsors, Prilosec OTC has a new campaign called “A Better Way to Tailgate” to help fans avoid eating and drinking things that will give them heartburn, and that’s cool, because I suffer from heartburn a lot and I appreciate a billion dollar pharmaceutical company trying to knock the chili dog out of my fat mouth.

But to really hammer home their point, the makers of Prilosec have hired Larry the Cable Guy to travel to NFL games and interact with fans, because he is apparently also a frequent heartburn sufferer and he represents the average, blue collar NFL fan. Larry, whose real name is Dan Whitney, attended Thursday night’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cleveland Browns, as well as yesterday’s Baltimore Ravens-Indianapolis Colts game.

And I could get into some long rant about how much I can’t stand Larry or how I’d be irate if my team was letting him run around in a jersey or wave a Terrible Towel, but nobody can ever break down the mystique of Larry’s success better than the late Greg Giraldo.

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I suppose that if you’re a once-dominant NBA center and the face of an entire nation’s athletic ambitions, you’re probably going to want to branch out when that basketball career is cut short by nagging injuries. Such is the case with former Houston Rockets center Yao Ming, who is going to use his athletic fame to propel him into the next phase of his professional life – wine maker.

Yao Ming Wine will be available for purchase for the first time ever this Sunday at an auction benefiting the Special Olympics East Asia. But whether you’re a Sino Sommelier or just a guy who loves to get drunk, it’s going to take a little bit of effort to get your hands on a bottle of Yao.

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When Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick injured his chest against the Washington Redskins earlier this season (above), Unequal Technologies came to the rescue with a special set of pads that would lessen the chances that he’d suffer an even more serious injury upon his return. And thanks to those pads, Vick went on to lead the Eagles to a playoff loss against a team that is playing in the Super Bowl. What a story.

But Unequal is rewarding Vick’s comeback tale with his first paid endorsement deal since his return to the NFL. The man who once pitched Coca-Cola, Gatorade, and Nike is back in business, and while the terms of his new deal haven’t been released, we can only imagine it features the amount of zeroes you’d expect from a small company we’ve never heard of.

Hit me as hard as you can in the junk, New York Daily News:

“We’re real excited about it,” Unequal chief Rob Vito said. “Michael is good people. He paid his dues. President Obama reached out to him. He deserves an opportunity. This is what makes America so great. He’s moved forward. He’s a whole other person.”

Unequal Technologies is best known for using Kevlar – the ultrastrong fiber used in bullet-proof vests – in its protective equipment and sneaker insoles.

“Unequal’s protective power gives me a whole new level of confidence in my game,” Vick said in a statement. “It makes me feel invincible.”

Hot damn, the guy didn’t skip a beat on the field or in the business world. Shockingly, there is no backlash over this deal yet. I at least expected PETA to Google the address for Unequal and send a few naked fat chicks to throw dead squirrels at Vito and his employees. Give it time, I guess.

(Banner image via Lehigh Valley Live)