A lot of people think that UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones and I are a lot alike, and they’re mostly right. The only real difference between us is that when he breaks his toe in an absurdly graphic manner, he still wins his fight, celebrates with a pizza and energy drink and then goes to the hospital for surgery, while I scream like a cat giving birth and run around in circles for 5 minutes. And that’s just when he breaks his toe. But other than that, the champ and I are practically the same person.

Anyway, in case you were unable to join us for another one of our award-winning UFC live discussions – this one took home 3rd place at the Broward County Fair – Jones indeed defended his title with a first round TKO over Chael Sonnen, despite the fact that he fractured his toe and you could totally see the bone sticking out of the skin. And I don’t normally post images and GIFs of such graphic nature, but good Lord, people. I just can’t look away.

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As an extremely, extremely low-level celebrity in the Austin, Texas, area, I’ve gotten to participate in a lot of cool things. I’m co-hosting a veggie hot dog eating contest at this year’s Fun Fun Fun Fest, I’ve participated in a Megaphone Show at the best comedy theater in town and during Fantastic Fest (not to be confused with Fun Fun Fun Fest … we have a lot of fests) I was asked to be a judge at an Air Sex Championships show.

Of course, that was just an exhibition for the festival. The formal competition round for the next cycle of Air Sex Champions returned to Austin on Wednesday night at The Highball, and because I guess I did an okay job telling people they were good or bad at f**king invisible objects the first time, I was asked back as a judge. If you remember our exclusive coverage of the last time they were in town you’ll recognize a few returning competitors, but most importantly you’ll recognize me, sitting there at the table in the background secretly reverting back into 6-year old Super Christian Brandon and asking God to forgive me.

Big thanks to Lex Lybrand of Greenless Studios for these glorious action shots of the event. If you haven’t been to a live Air Sex show and it comes to your area (and it will … it tours nationwide), check it out. If not, I’ll bring a camera on stage with me next time and show you some horrible angles you’re missing from the crowd.

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There have been a lot of videos that exemplified the Cleveland experience — the “Factory Of Sadness” and hastily-made tourism videos among them — but none quite so beautifully as this one. In it, quote, “Dude sticks his head in a 5 gallon bucket of piss for $450″.

Barry over at Deadspin provides further analysis:

We were tempted to call this scene a microcosm for the Browns’ year, but then the Browns went and won the Battle of Ohio. But you know what? Phil won too. He won $450, and now some internet fame. So we’re confident in saying this: a man sticking his head in a bucket of piss, then getting paid for it, is absolutely the Browns’ 2012 season.

Also providing analysis is YouTube user “DJA216,” who gets to the heart of the matter:

I keep going back and forth on whether I think Piss Bucket Phil is smart or stupid for dunking his head in a group of peoples’ bodily waste for money, because on one hand he’s earning almost $500 for less than a second of work, but on the other, holy shit dude, how did your life end up here? All of the moments, triumphs and mistakes of your life have led you here, to a video of you bobbing for turds on the Internet.

Sorry, Cleveland. One day you’ll have something better to show American than this.

UPDATE: Here’s a clearer video. You know, uh, if you wanted to watch it.

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Take a good, long look at Los Angeles Dodgers reliever Todd Coffey’s elbow. Notice how it looks like a perfectly normal elbow, and not like something from your nightmares?

Coffey tweeted a picture of what his elbow looks like now, immediately following Tommy John surgery. For those of you who might not be familiar with Tommy John surgery, it’s a surgical graft procedure in which a ligament in the medial elbow is replaced with a tendon from elsewhere in the body and they add a bunch of braces and sew it up to look like the ass-to-mouth-end of a Human Centipede.

That picture has been included after the jump, because I don’t want you to scroll down the main page looking for Kate Upton galleries and start throwing up everywhere.

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Last week (Jesus, has it only been a week?), we caused a viral Internet dancestorm when a clip of sexy Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke and the admittedly sorta tasteless follow-up of animated GIFs and slow motion video started showing up everywhere. No, seriously, everywhere. Everyone from The Huffington Post to Daily Mail UK and Yahoo! copy-pasted the story and declared us perverts

Hey, at least we didn’t ask her to pose nude for us, then try to guilt her into it by saying we’d give money to her track team.

Jenneke was even reportedly asked by Sex.com to pose nude, but for a charity of course. According to a press release on XBIZ.com, the website offered Jenneke an offer to pose nude for a “sizable donation” to the Australian Sports Commission (ASC).

“She’s the right amount of cute and sexy, not to mention her body is clearly in peak condition,” Sex.com spokesperson Martin Ellison said. “Michelle Jenneke has shown a sex appeal that’s uncommon in female athletes and we want Michelle to know that she can use her sexuality to not only raise her profile but also benefit athletes all over her country.” (via IBTimes.com)

We also never once thought to put a fat Italian guy in women’s track and field clothes and have him parody Jenneke’s infectious enthusiasm and win (her win, I feel the need to emphasize) by flailing his arms around and “running like a girl” to disco music. Still, this happened:

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What you’re watching is the (No Self-) Respect Fighting Championship 6 Pro -88kg bout wherein Jörg Lothmann knocks out Jeffrey Waltmans with a spinning kick to the face and an admonishing-a-dog-style slap to the back of the neck. This fight is of interest for two reasons: Jörg Lothmann is 44-years old, and he has one of the most hilarious torsos in professional sports.

Seriously, look at that thing. From the back it looks like the top of a butt, and from the front it looks like … I don’t know, an earlobe? If you look at the picture on the right and take away his head and limbs it looks like a goldfish’s face. When he breathes it looks like he’s trying to suck up fish food through his navel.

The fight comes to us by way of Fightlinker and many a “gunt” joke was had, at least until aptly-named commenter “Carcass” dropped the science:

Men can’t have gunts…by definition, they are a female phenomenon – a portmanteau of gut-cunt.

This man has a muffin-drop or gut-hang.

Between the instant ref stoppage and Waltmans going down like he was fighting Kimbo Slice I can’t vouch for the legitimacy of Respect Fighting Championship 6, so I’ll ask you to draw your own conclusions.

(About what to call his stomach, I mean.)

[h/t to Vince Mancini]