"But Ron Swanson said that income tax is illegal!"

On Saturday night, Georges St-Pierre and Nick Diaz, for the lack of a much better term, gave us a very disappointing finale to their courtship of craziness over the past several months. In case you were too cool to hang out with us for the UFC 158 live discussion, GSP successfully defended his UFC Welterweight Championship by forcing Diaz to the ground for a very underwhelming five rounds. And after the fight was over, both GSP and Diaz pulled the curtain back to reveal that their whole feud was fake, as St-Pierre has no “dark place” and Diaz just acted that way because certain people wanted him to.

That’s not to say, though, that Diaz doesn’t bring the crazy 24/7. Take, for instance, his post-fight interview, as the pride of Stockton once again claimed that he was retiring from mixed martial arts competition, while also admitting that he has bigger problems to focus on. Like going to federal prison for not paying his taxes. Ever.

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I’m not one to typically make outrageous statements, but I would never like to go to prison. I know, you probably think I’m trolling here against our surprisingly high inmate readership, as well as our No. 1 fan Casey Anthony, but I really don’t think prison would be fun. Fortunately, if and when corporations finish taking over every prison in America so they can lock up anyone who even looks at them the wrong way, and I’m arrested for complaining about my Sprint phone’s poor coverage for the billionth time, I’ll at least have something to look forward to.

It turns out that American prisons and the people that run them have a love affair with the national pastime. I mean baseball, not the modern national pastimes like football or crystal meth. And while engaging in my neverending quest to find naked pictures of Rachel Bilson, I stumbled across one Tumblr user who found some Google Maps aerial photos of the baseball diamonds at America’s biggest prisons.

Included in the bunch are the fields at Sing Sing, Folsom, Rikers, San Quentin and others, but I don’t know which are which, because, as I previously stated, I appreciate the fact that my abdominal region has no sharpened toothbrush scars and I know as little about prisons as I should. Also, just to be safe, I love Sprint and don’t ever want to go to jail because I don’t get coverage in sports arenas.

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Former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was convicted Saturday on 45 of 48 counts of sexual abuse, misconduct, and a variety of other terrible, despicable, and truly heinous charges, which means that, barring an appeal miracle, the 68-year old will rot in jail until the day that he dies. And from there he will be shuttled by a chariot of flaming skulls into the kingdom of Hell, where he will rot for eternity whilst a billion tortured souls take turns slapping him in the genitals with a cactus made of rusted nails.

Sandusky’s attorneys, who admitted that they wanted to quit before the trial began because they had no time to prepare, plan to appeal based on the grounds that the tapes that NBC submitted of Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas were misleading. Whatever. Appeal away. Because more victims will come forward, and Sandusky will just be missing out on some lovely song time at the prison.

Other prisoners were barred from communicating directly with Sandusky, but they could see him. And when the lights went out, inmates serenaded the disgraced coach with a famous line from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.”

“At night, we were singing ‘Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone,’ ” Josh said, adding that everyone knew who Sandusky was because inmates had access to television and newspapers. The jail can hold 349 inmates. (Via The Daily)

But don’t get too excited about that old wives tale that prisoners will gut him like a fish when he enters general population. Apparently prison justice isn’t how we’ve all dreamed.

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I wanted to give this update a more clever title, but the next 250 stories you read about Jalen Rose serving 20 days in jail for his drunk driving arrest are going to be called JAILIN’ ROSE, and I mean come on, how much better can you get than that? Parenting advice: If you want to keep your son out of prison, don’t put “jail” in his name.

From the Detroit Free Press:

Judge Kimberly Small, known for her tough stance on drunken driving, ordered the former NBA player and University of Michigan basketball star to serve 93 days in jail, but she suspended all but 20 of those days.

Small, during a 40-minute sentencing hearing in 48th District Court in Bloomfield Township, told Rose: “You’re not here because you drank. I have no problem with that. Have at it. I do mind when you get behind the wheel of a two-ton vehicle and use it as a weapon against the rest of us.”

Keith Davidson, Rose’s California-based attorney, made sure to explain that driving drunk was No Big D as soon as the sentence was announced. Also, he’s a lawyer who quotes Gorilla Monsoon.

“We have two crimes here … what my client did, and what happened here today,” he said. “What we have is an elected judge legislating from the bench. What we saw today was a miscarriage of justice.”

A miscarriage of justice. He should’ve responded with “WILL YOU STOP?” as soon as she finished talking.

Of course, who knows where this will go now. If I have a crack in my windshield I’m legally required to spend two weeks in court and eight months in jail, but then again, I don’t work for ESPN. As a public figure I guess it’s impossible to look at things objectively from either side. From my side it’s, “he got arrested for drunk driving”. From Jalen’s side it’s, “Nobody famous ever pays for this, why should I?” Or the more reasonable one, “I’m sorry and I won’t ever do this again, I promise”. I guess both sides have a point. Although one side drove drunk, so f**k one of the sides.

Who knew that a guy who committed bankruptcy fraud, got arrested for 23 drug-related felonies and spent 12 years playing pro baseball with a fist-sized sh*t-clod in his mouth would have so many problems? Enter: Lenny Dykstra, who has taken the Pete Rose route to forgiveness by admitting his problem and requesting rehab instead of prison way, way after anyone would take it seriously.

According to reports from TMZ, Dykstra entered a Not Guilty plea on the 16th for all 25 criminal charges he’s facing (including auto theft, identity theft, and possession of cocaine and ecstasy) and even brought along his bail money, but was denied and sent back to prison. Now (the 17th, if you’re keeping track) he’s saying he does have a problem with substance abuse and needs help, but can’t get that in jail. So what exactly was he not guilty of? Doing drugs, but not having them? I guess it boils down to the semantics of what constitutes “possessing” drugs. If you eat it the second you see it, did you really “possess” a cupcake? If you see a pitcher’s mound-size heap of cocaine and slide headfirst into it, did you really possess that cocaine?

Regardless, nothing seems to be working, and Dykstra is still stuck in the joint, sneaking in contraband for the other high-profile prisoners in that tanuki nutsack he calls a face. I’ll be sure to update you on Monday, when Dykstra pleads remorseful bankruptcy-related drug insanity.