The 2012 MLB Home Run Derby took place last night in Kansas City’s Kauffman Stadium (the one with the fountains), and if you were like most people you had a passing interest, got bored, then spent a little time on Twitter trying to make Chris Berman’s incessant “BECK BECK BECK BECK BECK” thing funny. You have have compared him to a chicken. It happens.

In the event that you didn’t have seven hours to kill watching dudes congratulate themselves, we’ve collected all the important moments MLB.com would allow us without expressed written consent … that includes a pair of monster home runs, Robinson Cano getting a reaction that made Yankees fans break out their shame fingers and a Royals fan who gets greedy and nearly ends up drowned in the fountain. It was all the fun you’d expect from a home run derby, only it took seven hours.

Up first, here’s Robinson Cano getting his feelings hurt:

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It’s here! Tonight’s FanDuel.com fantasy baseball game with With Leather is giving you a chance to turn a $2 entry fee into a Prince Fielder-sized chunk of a $500 prize pool. They should give you a flat 50 points for a Prince triple, but whatever, I don’t organize these things, I just play them.

You should be playing, too, so here’s how we’re doing it:

No bells and whistles or “Beat Brandon To Death Because He’s Bad At Online Games” stips, just a straight-forward chance to turn a little bit of money into a lot of it. A $500 prize pool is nothing to gloss over, especially for two bucks, especially when the hardest thing you have to do is click a few names. Mike Trout! Click Mike Trout!

Seriously though, this is going down tonight, get over to FanDuel and sign up now.

Logan Morrison’s Twitter bio reads

To know me is to Tweet with me! Miami Marlins LF. Twittaholic. All around good guy (with just a pinch of dangerous sexuality)!

… so you’d think that when he’s the guy breaking a story, baseball reporters and major news outlets would go, “heh, logan morrison is trolling twitter” and wait an hour for the punchline. Unfortunately, not everyone in the sports world checks sources thoroughly or is interested in doing their job well. Case in point:

And the real joke, by way of Big League Stew:

Of course that didn’t stop some media outlets, such as WGN Radio in Chicago — flagship station of the Chicago Cubs — from going to the air with the news, while not directly acknowledging the tweets. Sports anchor and Chicago Cubs postgame host David Kaplan reportedly told listeners a deal with Seattle was near just moments after the original tweet, and that the Cubs were likely to miss out on the best free agent left.

Everyone else (well, not everyone else, but almost everyone else) waited an hour for the punchline.

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The 82nd Major League Baseball All-Star Game took place at Chase Field in Phoenix last night, and it appears that the American League’s era of dominance has come to an end. The National League All-Stars won the game 5-1, marking their second consecutive win over the AL losers, who had won the previous 60 All-Star Games or something like that. The NL, of course, now possesses home-field advantage for the World Series, because baseball is run by nincompoops who think this is a good idea. Seriously, how has this not been passed off as a bad joke yet?

Prince Fielder hit a 3-run home run in the bottom of the 4th inning off Texas Rangers pitcher C.J. Wilson to give the NL the only offense it would need, after Boston’s Adrian Gonzalez hit a solo shot in the top of the inning. L.A.’s Andre Ethier and San Francisco’s Pablo Sandoval each added a RBI for the NL to cushion the victory. And all the while, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver shared stories about players that none of us could bear listening to. But in case you skipped the game or you just chose not to watch it, I’ve put together this hasty retelling of last night’s action (not entirely in order, mind you). For full appreciation, pull a sheet over your head, fart, inhale it as deep as you can, and then talk like Buck for the next few minutes.

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This is almost old news now, but there was that thing the other night where the Brewers threw at one of the Dodgers and then one of the Dodgers threw back at the Brewers’ Prince Fielder…I don’t get it at all, something about the unwritten rules of baseball. If nobody knows what those rules are, maybe someone should write them down. But anyway, the beaning of Fielder happened so late in the game that he almost didn’t have enough time to get upset about it. So he stormed the Dodgers clubhouse door. Yeah, Prince. Like they’re gonna just let you in. Obviously he just thought that the Dodgers had delicious barbecue buffalo wings in there. Why else would he have brought all his teammates? It’s always nice to share, and when you’re talking about hiring prostitutes for the evening, it’s more economical, too.

MLB had their Home Run Derby last night, and unless you were one of the Boys and Girls Clubs getting a piece of that giant check on display at the end, it was absolutely pointless. Prince Fielder won an event with no real ebb and flow that was marred by too many guys getting batting-practice-quality pitches and taking them, sometimes several in a row.

It was irritating on several levels. Brandon Inge, who had no business being there, didn’t leave the yard once. and The rules didn’t make any sense, including the “five-swing” first-round tiebreaker. The players didn’t wear their caps, which is fine, because the league-specific caps were ugly. And the charitable promotions and energy drink product placements, each seemed to be more nauseating than the one before it.

But the biggest bust of the night was ESPN’s Ball Track, or as I called it last night, SpermBall. If you didn’t see it, it was a direct ripoff of FOX’s “glow puck” from the 1990s. It was one of those silly colorful CG things that hadn’t been totally debugged and, worse, added nothing to the telecast, which was beyond salvation. The silver lining of it all is that the All-Star Game is tonight, and it couldn’t possibly be worse than a Home Run Derby game that will need a serious overhaul before next summer.