Back in October, we were treated to a second Valentine’s Day when Rachel Uchitel married the love of her life at the same chapel in Las Vegas that united Britney Spears and Jason Alexander in their neverending holy matrimony. Uchitel, who is of course Tiger Woods’ most famous mistress, married former Penn State fullback Matt Hahn, who once scored one whole touchdown, and then they Tweeted a bunch of pictures of themselves getting dressed up for a Nickelback concert night on the Vegas strip to celebrate their nuptials with class and style.

Wanna hop in my time machine, travel back to October and make bets on why they actually got married?

“Expecting big things for 2012…Five down, four months to go,” Uchitel tweeted.

The former “Celebrity Rehab” star secretly married Hahn in October and the two have been living in San Francisco since their wedding…

(Via CBS News)

Wait, hold on. I know I suck at math, but her wedding was only two months ago and she has been pregnant for five? Color me shocked.

It has been 16 years since Tonya Harding and her ex-husband Jeff Gillooly conspired to break Nancy Kerrigan’s leg during a practice at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, and things have never been better for Harding. People Magazine is “reporting” that Harding has a baby boy due any day now, which is super wonderful for the 40-year old, whose recent career highlights have included a 3-3 professional boxing career record and multiple incidents of domestic violence.

RAIN DOWN THE HELL FIRES OF THIS SPAWN OF EVIL, PEOPLE!

The former figure skater, 40, is expecting her first child with husband Joseph Price, her attorney confirms to PEOPLE.

“Tonya is pregnant and very happily married,” Linda Lewis tells PEOPLE. “She wants her privacy, but she is very happy.”

Aw, that’s sweet. It’s fitting that her attorney broke the news and not an agent or a manager. Look, I know this isn’t really the most important news in the world, but I find it remarkable that the media still pays attention to this woman. She hasn’t done anything of worth for the past five years, which means she should at least run for public office.

Meanwhile, in a follow-up with Rolling Stone magazine, Justin Bieber said, “In this case, I’d be totally cool with it.”