Last we checked in on Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model and former NFL spokesperson Marisa Miller, she was doing that thing that attractive female celebrities do when they’re pregnant, when they pose nude to show off their huge stomachs because being a creator of life is the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s also a great way to remind people in this era of short attention spans that you are still one of the most gorgeous women on the planet, in case all the dudes and bros had moved on to greener, younger pastures.

Well, forget Miller no more, friends, because she gave birth to her first child over the weekend, and she and her husband, whose name I will never look up because he has a faux hawk, named their son Gavin Lee Guess. Before you mock them, that is significantly better than the first idea, Edward Hardy True Religion.

Son Gavin Lee Guess was born in Santa Cruz, Calif. at 7:58 p.m., weighing in at 8 lbs., 10 oz. and measuring 22¼ inches long.

“I’m completely overjoyed by the birth of our son. I feel so blessed to be a mom and am so excited to experience this next part of life,” the model, 34, tells PEOPLE.

“Gaining weight is part of charting your progress,” the actress, who will next star opposite Ryan Reynolds in R.I.P.D., explained. “Yes, I was seeing numbers I had never seen before, but I let go of that because I had a new goal and focus.” (Via People)

Now this is where I would normally go off on a little rant about how Hollywood has this tired tendency of turning hot models into actresses because pervs like me will naturally and gladly shell out $12 to go see that film with the hopes that we might see some boobies. And I even mentioned this in my award-winning Worst Movies of 2012 feature on FilmDrunk last week, using Brooklyn Decker in Battleship as my example.

But I’m not going to do that here, because did you see Decker on The League last week? She was phenomenal! She played possibly the best c*nt in the history of TV on a show that is just overflowing with horrible people. Seriously, she should win an Emmy for the Best Bitch in a Cameo Performance, especially with how well she pulled off the upper decker line. Amazing television right there.

Anywho, after the jump, I have an exclusive first picture of Miller’s new baby boy.

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"Oh hey, I didn't see you there. I'm pregnant."

It’s been a while since we’ve heard from former NFL spokesperson and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Marisa Miller, because she decided to get pregnant and practically vanish into thin air. At one point I was even starting to wonder if we’d ever hear from her again, because you know how some girls get when they become moms and all they want to do is spend their days posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. Hell, Miller never even fulfilled her obligation as a famous woman with her own “Here’s me naked and pregnant because EDGY!” magazine cover.

That is, until now. Miller did the whole naked pregnant thing that Demi Moore made famous 40 or 50 years ago for the latest issue of Allure magazine, and according to her coinciding interview, she’s all preggers and proud.

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Back in January, With Leather’s favorite quarterbro Jay Cutler announced that he and his fiancée, Kristin Cavallari, were expecting their first child. We’re still a few months away from their blessed birth, and most Chicago Bears fans are probably more concerned with Cutler’s thumb injury and his steady recovery, but we’re talking about J-Cutty’s name legacy here. Let’s prioritize, people.

Despite still not being married yet – an already overwhelmed Tim Tebow shakes his head in disapproval – Cavallari told Glamoholic magazine (apparently that’s a real thing) in a recent interview that she’s ready to play receiver for her man’s protein passes at least three more time.

“We’re talking about the possibility of having another kid right away and then getting married so we can have 2 kids close in age.”

“We want 4 kids, so we’re thinking maybe have one more, then get married, then have two more but we’ll see, it all depends on how the first one goes.”

If I had to play Vegas oddsmaker right now, I’d put 2 kids at 15:1, 3 kids at 100:1 and 4 kids at 1,000:1 with those odds doubling each time Cavallari pops a new one out. Seriously, if these two already look like this when they’re getting off a plane from a vacation, imagine what they’ll look like with rugrats in tow.

But I support them, as J-Cutty and I are already solid bro dudes, and I’d like to offer them some advice, from one athlete-celebrity couple to another athlete-celebrity couple.

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Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and receiver Miles Austin spoke with students at Cedar Hills High School in Texas yesterday about the dangers of drugs. One of the students asked the most important question anyone could ever ask about drugs: “Do you have any kids?” Now, to be fair, I assume that the context of that question involved Romo admitting that heavy drug use could cause a man to dump Carrie Underwood for Jessica Simpson. Either way, Romo’s answer shocked the assembly – nay, the universe!

“I got one on the way. My wife’s pregnant.”

That’s right, Admiral Fumbles managed to thread the needle with a laser beam pass to Candice Crawford’s womb. Crawford, of course, is the former Miss Missouri whom Romo wed five months ago. She’s the sister of actor Chace Crawford, whose eyebrows can haunt a man’s dreams for eternity.

But the timing of Romo’s announcement is rather peculiar for nosey media types, since there have been heavy rumors about Simpson being pregnant for 5 years the past few months. Simpson is engaged to former San Francisco 49ers and New Orleans Saints tight end Eric Johnson, but she certainly doesn’t look pregnant to me…

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I didn't write anything about Tiger Woods losing the U.S. Open by a stroke because golf is pretty boring unless people are driving their golf carts off of cliffs.  But I guess I can congratulate Tiger on his new fatherhood: yesterday, Woods's wife Elin Nordegren gave birth to a baby girl, which they named Sam Alexis.

Nice move, Tiger.  Give your daughter a dude's first name and an androgynous middle name.  You could have at least waited until puberty before telling her you wanted a son instead.

Anyway, miracle of birth and cigars and proud blah blah blah.  I guess some people care about this, but I don't see the big deal.  Your wife pooped out a fuck trophy.  Hooray.  Now hire a nanny and get her back in the gym.  Time to tighten things back up.  (Note: I meant "tighten up" in the non-gross way, but I guess it can apply in the gross way, too.)