When other websites do their power rankings, they’re pointless and stupid. But when we do power rankings, they kick ass. And this time we’re trying out a Jew format where…excuse me, a new format. Each item in our Rankings will have a video for your viewing pleasure, so enjoy that. Let us know what you think of the new moves in the comments. We might have to try this again sometime.
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When other websites do power rankings, they suck like a barium enima. When we do Power Rankings, they kick all kinds of ass.
1. Reggie Watts. The comedian-slash-musician sings a song about pancakes, and it’s completely improvisational. No lyrics, no instruments. It’s quite impressive. And don’t even get me started on that beautiful ‘fro.
2. The return of the McRib. People can’t get enough. No, they really can’t.
3. Bacon. When pan fat just isn’t enough, batter it in beer and deep fry it. What, you think you’re gonna live forever?
4. Boobs. Nip slips from the Lingerie Football League. Oh, NSFW.
5. Pumpkin carving with extreme prejudice. Ever seen a guy carve a pumpkin with a semi-automatic weapon? You’re about to…
6. Halloween. I guess it’s Sunday. My costume is almost set, just as soon as I find a t-shirt that reads NOTRE DAME VIDEO DEPT. on the front.
7. The second wave of LeBron James backlash. Seriously, that ad was horrible. Take it from this guy.
8. Dallas. Perhaps quite literally, it’s a city with a drinking problem (but not unlike many other cities).
9. NFL Blackouts. Two years ago, only one game had been blacked out through the first eight weeks of the season. This season? Thirteen. It’s cheaper to watch Red Zone at home and eat your own nachos.
10. This jagoff. Maverick wore a green flight suit (not navy blue), was in the Navy (not the Air Force) and wasn’t bald. Negative, douchebag. Pattern is full. In closing, your costume sucks balls. Happy Halloween.
When other sites do power rankings, they’re the dumbest things ever. When we do Power Rankings, they kick so much ass that we have to change shoes halfway through.
1. Jaime Edmondson. Jaime seems to have more than one favorite NFL team. For once, I don’t have a problem with that.
2. Spank You For Smoking. The Cincinnati Reds might get violated for fining the smoking ban…or something to that effect. Leave it to that city to punish its own team for winning the division.
3. Monica Bellucci. NSFW due to amazing nakedness. Actually, the goodies are blurred out on that main page, but everything else is naughty bits for days. Thanks, Amber.
4. UNICORNS. Go here and do the Contra code…and just let the magic wash over you. Thanks, @MattJMcD.
5. Bacon. Get it with your food stamps!
6. Buffalo Bills CB Reggie Corner. I just can’t help but be amused by a guy named Corner that actually plays cornerback in the NFL. This is amazing.
7. Mustaches. I’m declaring autumn “mustache season.” Notice that I’m not “officially” declaring it so. Why do some unofficial people try to act otherwise and “officially” declare anything. Screw those people.
8. Blogs With Balls “Three and a half.” Don Povia gives us the lowdown on BwB’s invasion of SXSW.
9. The end of baseball season. The Pittsburgh Pirates are on the clock.
10. Tattoos on teeth. Gross. And yet still very, very awesome.
The weekly power rankings is a collection of the greatest things that have ever happened…this week.
#1 Tailgating – Grilled meat, alcohol, and football will always be number one in my book. Now I just need to transfer to Arizona State.
#2 Thursday Night TV – My Thursday nights: Jersey Shore, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, Community, The Office, with a high chance of Thursday night football. Thank you God, for the greatest thing in the history of man: DVR.
#3 Bacon – Get your children meat hungry at an even younger age with bacon-flavored baby formula. Also, Bacon’s contributions to WL today made my hangover slightly easier. It’s still painful, however.
When other sites do power rankings, it’s some of the worst writing on the planet. When we do Power Rankings, they kick ass.
1. Bacon. Three months ago, bacon was more expensive than in any other month in recorded Amercian history. This has now happened for three months in a row. Sadly, it took the hardship from These Trying Economic Times for bacon to be recognized as the greatest food ever. And, uh, thinning livestock numbers, but whatever.
2. Corgi Friday. Seriously, if this was any cuter, I’d have to lure it back to my windowless van.
3. Rally racer Ken Block. This video is so badass that it makes my head spin; it’s Block navigating a souped up Ford Fiesta through an old Parisian racetrack in a stunt-driving practice called Gykmhana. Just when you’re thinking, “Wow, that was a pretty good video,” you look down and there’s like FIVE MORE MINUTES LEFT. I admit it. I came. Twice. via.
When other sports sites do power rankings, they’re tedious and stupid. When we do Power Rankings, they kick so much ass.
1. The Antoine Dodson Meme. This thing will never die, nor should it. Our latest reincarnation involves a bunch of old people. Finally, a use for old people. Kudos to MTV’s Pete Conolly.
2. Sleeping in the loo. Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo, you’re doing it right. And yes, I called it a loo. Deport me.
3. Bacon. So awesome that it could only be judged against itself.
4. Tom Brady. Dude gets paid with a 4-year $72-million deal just hours after walking away from a two-car crash. It helps when your entire head of hair serves as a helmet.
5. Icecubes. You’re just gonna have to read it.
6. Terrelle Pryor’s Good Intentions. Jim Tressel’s quarterback imploring Buckeye fans to take it easy on LeBron James in the event that the NBA star shows up in Columbus for the Ohio State-Miami game. I have a feeling that we will all be witnesses to a terrific shower of boos for James. And one-hopped balls from Pryor. Get your head in the game, son.
7. The non-existence of the brontosaurus. Seriously, this is rocking my world right now.
8. Anything with Disney princesses. Without these hand-drawn ladies, I may never have found my penis.
9. Pac-Man. This is the latest from those guys that do that stop-motion animation in that lecture hall. Okay, I admit it. I’m impressed.
10. Flying Cars. We’re almost there, people. Take a gander at the latest.
