E-van! Get the tables!

With Leather

The Dugout: Evan Longoria’s Police Report - If you missed Friday’s edition of The Dugout, don’t; it contains references to Ice Cube, MotorStorm, and Evan Longoria stealing from dying children with an automatic weapon. Exactly the kind of thing sports blogs should be covering. [The Dugout]

The Greatest Collection of Kate Upton Photos Ever - Reproduced for no reason, really, one of our Kate Upton galleries. This is the kind of thing you should revisit on a Monday morning to get your blood pumping. Also, to remind yourself that no woman is perfect and they’re all disappointing and flawed! [With Leather]

Happy 58th Birthday Hulk Hogan, Now Here’s Your Naked Daughter - Brook’s comments on Twitter: “Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!” Our response? Stop giving us ammo. [With Leather]

Burnsy’s Bad Advice - A series you should click back through, if only to find the parts that are already wrong. I always want to say “fantasy sports are a crap shoot, not a science, you can just pick people based on chaos theory and win”, and then I remember how every month we do DraftStreet fantasy sports and the same 10 guys murder me, so maybe Burnsy just knows what he’s talking about. [With Leather]

Elsewhere On Uproxx

Jay-Z & Kanye West – Otis Video - Worth it for the in-character Tom Haverford cameo. Somewhat not worth it for Kanye West’s inability to try hard. Sorta like listening to the radio and someone’s conversation at the same time. [Smoking Section]

The Greatest Collection of Corgi GIFs Ever Created - If Queen Kate Upton didn’t make you click, the cute dog from Cowboy Bebop will. I pretend every corgi I see is Ein. Makes me feel a little better about not living in the post-apocalyptic future. [Warming Glow]

Tom Felton Attempts to Slytherin in Your Pants with Harry Potter Pick-Up Lines - Tom Felton should attempt to stop making his face look forty. [Gamma Squad]

Director Promises Human Centipede 3 Will Be 1,000 Percent More Medically Accurate - Sometimes I wish perverted movies could be made by artists, and not just perverts. I like that the original concept of “haha ew they’re pooping in each others’ mouths” has now been enough to make three movies. [Film Drunk]

Not Sports

10 Commercials from Famous Directors - I don’t know a lot, but I know David Fincher’s “Leave Nothing” Nike commercial with LaDainian Tomlinson and Troy Polamalu is the best commercial of all time. That sh*t makes me cry, and is legitimately better than 9 of 10 movies. [Ask Men]

Hanson Is Feuding with Kings of Leon - I’m siding with Hanson on this one. Honestly, I’d side with Hitler if he was feuding with the Kings of Leon. Ugh, Kings of Leon. I liked you guys better when you were trying to be Stillwater. [FARK]

More Accurate Titles for New Fall TV Shows - “Crap with eight episodes you’ll scroll past on Hulu Plus to get to Parks and Rec.” There, I saved you ten minutes of reading. [College Humor]

Cinema’s 12 Greatest Albino or Albino-like Characters - Chances are I’ll link any article that lets me make a Powder joke. I hope the director went to the studio execs and said “okay, I want to make a movie about a guy who gets pushed in the mud so he kills himself with lightning”. [Pajiba]

(artist's rendering)

Pure energy has a name: the North Korean women’s soccer team.

Most of the time when a sports team loses an important game, you’ll hear them talk about how they “went out there and played [their] game” and just lost focus or didn’t play hard enough on defense. Sometimes they’ll say the other team did a good job. Following his team’s 2-0 loss to the U.S. in the women’s World Cup on Tuesday, North Korean Kim Kwang-min redefined hilarious post-game excuses by claiming his team lost because they were struck by lightning. By lightning.

“When we stayed in Pyongyang during training there was an unexpected accident so our team was not capable of playing. Our players were hit by lightning during a training match. More than five were hospitalized. The match was on 8 June.”

The United States team were clearly taken aback by the claim. “It’s the first we have heard about it,” said the striker Abby Wambach. The USA coach, Pia Sundhage, was also unaware of any such problems affecting their opponents.

I think “the dog ate my soccer team” would’ve been an equally good excuse. I feel like if an entire team had been struck by some crazy Nemesis Rage lightning during training, they probably should’ve (and would’ve) sat out the game completely. If I got struck by lightning I would sit out of everything for the rest of my life. The best post-match quote of all wasn’t even about the lighting.

Kim: “They will play with high spirits and strong will, a strong will you cannot expect from human kind.”

… and then he shoved them into a big mud puddle.

[h/t Sports Grid]