I spent the better part of my morning trolling the Series of Tubes trying to find a picture of a black man’s penis and I’m exhausted. How does your mother do it every night? But seriously, Greg Oden’s dick has suddenly become the perfect analogy for life as a sports blogger: I don’t really want to post it, but everyone else is, so I feel like I kind of have to. It’s like Oden’s cock is some nuclear peacekeeping missile defense system, and we’re all in a rush to get our own, uh, piece.

But anyway, if you want to Greg Oden in all his nude glory, for whatever reason, you can find an embeddable slideshow here. And not to sound gay or anything, but the missile analogy hits pretty close to home. And if you do head over there, we’ll have something back here to wash your brain out here very soon.

Portland’s Rudy Fernandez was carried off the floor in the third quarter of Portland’s win against the Lakers last night after taking an interesting foul from Trevor Ariza. After catching an elbow from behind, the Spaniard flailed and crashed to the floor. Fernandez’s salesmanship started a tussle between both teams, and Ariza was teed up and ejected. And just to ensure his cooter didn’t catch any more sand in it, Fernandez was hauled off on a stretcher wearing a neck brace. Wait, I thought the World Cup was next year.

Fernandez was conscious and alert when he left the court, and he had full movement of his extremities, the team said. But he was experiencing chest pain and was taken to a hospital overnight. X-rays were negative.

Trevor Ariza, who fouled Fernandez, said he hoped the rookie from Spain wasn’t seriously hurt.

“It wasn’t anything I was trying to do,” Ariza said. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I was just trying to make a play on the ball.” [Y! Deportes]

It was a tough foul, but hardly a neck-brace-worthy foul. Sparty and Friends dug up some video; Ariza makes contact with the head and possibly grabs the left arm on the way down. See for yourself after the jump. After the game, Fernandez underwent a CT scan, and the verdict was a soft-tissue injury to the upper chest and side. That differs slightly from Dr. Punte’s diagnosis: acute blubbering vaginosis. Sissy. Read the rest of this entry »

TrailBlazers general manager Kevin Pritchard has been in the news a lot recently, as he’s been going around threatening other NBA GMs with legal action if they pick up former Blazer Darius Miles, which could make it impossible for Portland to pick up a free agent this summer.

In a way more interesting story, Pritchard is dating former Blazers dancer Marlene Kanehailua, who once dated Kevin Duckworth, the former Blazers center who died last August.  Except Pritchard’s wife’s name is Shea, and they have two kids together. (It’s unclear when Pritchard and his wife broke up.  This photo from October 2008 incorrectly identifies Blazers assistant Joe Prunty as Pritchard, and thus shouldn’t be trusted as a source.)

Whatever the case, there have been some high-level fraternization and break-ups in the TrailBlazers’ family/organization. Here’s what the Internet says:

Read the rest of this entry »

For those of you East Coasters who didn’t stay up until 1:45 a.m. to watch the conclusion of the Houston-Portland overtime game last night, you didn’t miss much.  Just three lead changes in the final 1.9 seconds that ended with Brandon Roy making a 30-foot heave to turn a loss into a win at the buzzer.  Ho-hum.

Bill Mikesell of OregonLive.com is responsible for this insider look on what it takes to become a member of the Portland TrailBlazers dance team.  According to the judges, it's all about having dancers who "project their personality" and have good technique, consistency and energy.  One official notes that they're looking for "that stand-out girl," which is about as close as anyone comes to saying they're looking for fine-ass women who can dance real sexy-like.

And, as with any hard-hitting news report, it's spliced with long cuts of girls in spandex dancing real sexy-like.  I know it's still early in the year, but I smelllll Puliiiiiiiiitzerrrrrrrrrrr…

Greg Oden won't play this season:

Oden, a 7-footer from Ohio State, was found to have torn cartilage during exploratory surgery on his right knee and was operated on by team doctor Don Roberts in Vancouver, Wash. Most microfracture surgeries require eight months to a year for recovery. "Greg had an arthroscopy and a microfracture surgery today," Roberts said in a Blazers statement. "He was found to have articular cartilage damage in his right knee. The area of injury was not large and we were able to treat it with microfracture, which stimulates the growth of cartilage.

You know what else stimulates the growth of cartilage?  Strippers.   Are the Blazers disappointed?

"Certainly this is a setback, but our future is still incredibly bright," Portland general manager Kevin Pritchard said in a statement. "Is it disappointing? Yes. However, this is a great core of talent and players of strong character and will continue to be."

Translation for season ticket holders in the Rose Garden: you will be selling your tickets for less than face-value on Stub Hub. -KD