Freakin' everybody with a love of the NBA and at least a partially formed cerebellum is sharing their thoughts on last night's draft, so I'll spare you my perfectly ill-formed thoughts.  Besides, I get paid to make dead hooker jokes, not provide analysis.

However, as a fan of All Things Pacific Northwest — except white people with dredlocks, I can't fucking stand them — I'd like to congratulate the Blazers and Sonics for giving the NBA a new center of gravity.  Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went #1 and #2 as expected, then new Seattle GM Sam Presti shipped Ray Allen to Boston for Jeff Green at #5 plus Theo Ratliff Delonte West and Wally Sczerbiak.  The Blazers, as expected, unloaded Zach Randolph — and though many credited Isiah Thomas for getting a 20-10 guy for Steve freakin Francis, you can expect the Blazers to buy out the Franchise to get some cap room.

Lots more to discuss, but none of it pertains to strippers and booze (not until Randolph gets to NYC, anyway), so I'm checking out of the discussion.  In the meantime, I recommend you all check in at TrueHoop, where Henry Abbott has been killin' it on location — his talks with some of the tops draft picks shows how good blogging is better than straight journalism — and also the fabulosity that is Miss Gossip.  Let's hear your draft thoughts and cancer jokes in the comments.

With the NBA playoffs over, basketball fans turned their eyes to last night's draft lottery, which is unnecessarily televised every year.  As you've certainly heard by now, the Portland Trail Blazers get their choice of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, while the embattled Sonics of the Emerald City got the second pick — forcing experts to wonder whether Oden/Durant can save hoops in Seattle, whether Portland will take Oden or Durant (NBA playoffs over, basketball fans turned their eyes to last night's draft lottery, which is unnecessarily televised every year.  As you've certainly heard by now, the Portland Trail Blazers get their choice of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, while the embattled Sonics of the Emerald City got the second pick — forcing experts to wonder whether Oden/Durant can save hoops in Seattle, whether Portland will take Oden or Durant (Definitely Oden!  Definitely Durant!), and whether or not this milk is still good.  Like, the carton says it doesn't expire until tomorrow, but it already smells funny, you know?

Oh yeah, and if you watched the lottery you saw the clown in the #20 Celtics jersey with "Oden" on the back.  The Celtics will pick fifth, which means that there is a God, and he didn't like Bill Simmons's idea of karma, either.

Full lottery results after the jump. 

1. Portland Trail Blazers

2. Seattle Sonics

3. Atlanta Hawks (sorry, Phoenix) 

4. Memphis Grizzlies 

5. Boston Celtics (HAW-ha!)

6. Milwaukee Bucks

7. Minnesota Timberwolves

8. Charlotte Bobcats

9. Chicago Bulls (from Knicks — thanks, Isiah!)

10. Sacaramento Kings

11. Atlanta Hawks (from Indiana)

12. Philadelphia 76ers

13. New Orleans Hornets

14. L.A. Clippers 

Oh yeah, you should peep Peter Schrager's experience at the draft.  He's a good man.  And thorough. 

Gilbert Arenas once again failed to make good on his vow to get 50 points against the TrailBlazers as recompense for the Team USA snub he suffered in the offseason, partly at the hands of Portland coach Nate McMillan. Even worse for the Wizards, Agent Zero missed a floater in the lane at the end of the game that could have sent it into overtime, and les boulez fell on the road, 100-98.

The Blazers, who held Arenas to 4-of-16 shooting (and 3-of-15 when the teams met last month), were led by LaMarcus Aldridge (25 points, 8 boards) and Brandon Roy (19/12). Sergio Rodriguez, the favorite player of TrueHoop writer/organizer of blogrollnacht Henry Abbott, added 9 points and 9 assists in 22 minutes off the bench.

But at least Arenas relished his role as villain:

He talked back to fans who booed each time he touched the ball, smiling all the while. "It felt great," Arenas said. "The crowd was energized. I've never really been booed like that in my career. The only other time was my first time back at Golden State (his former team). They were loving it more than anybody."…

"I owe somebody 10 bucks," he said. "I bet a fan if I had a chance I would make the last shot."

Now see, that's what the fans want: a player who's willing to gamble with them on his own performance. Maybe if he bet something more in the neighborhood of $20,000, he might have made the shot.

Things are finally looking up for the Heat: Pat Riley will return after the All-Star break, Shaq is back (five blocks last night), and the reigning NBA champs are back to .500 after a 104-85 win over the TrailBlazers last night. The hero, unsurprisingly, was a fellow by the name of Dwyane Wade, who returned from a shoulder injury and played like he was trying to get into Charles Barkley's 5, outscoring the Blazers by himself in the 4th quarter (16-15).

Wade hurt his shoulder — he called it a hyperextension and said he heard a pop — with 9:36 left in the third quarter. He drove past [Jarrett] Jack and went airborne, collided with [Joel] Przybilla and immediately began writhing in pain once he hit the ground. Once he got up, he quickly headed for the Heat locker room.

I already know what you're thinking, and it's not nice. I watched the video, and Wade did actually get fouled — there's video at the link above; you can watch it yourself. Listen, people, I like "That gust of air fouled Dwyane Wade" jokes as much as the next guy, but when a dude scores almost half of his 35 points in the quarter after falling several feet onto his shoulder, it's time to scale back our criticism of the favoritism Wade receives from the refs, and give him some credit for the daring athleticism he displays every night.

Or, as my ex-girlfriend once said, "I'd go down on him, and I don't even like black guys." Yes. Well said, Lola. I can't believe we're not still together. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! 

Honestly, I can't believe the NBA referees aren't doing a better job of protecting Dwyane Wade. Just look at the abuse he takes, like in Sunday's game in Portland.

I mean, sure, the refs called a foul. But that was fucking flagrant. LaMarcus Aldridge should have gotten a T for that.

HT: NBA FanHaus.

Zach Randolph is having a great season so far… except that he's getting sued for an alleged sexual assault that happened during the preseason, and it sounds pretty SCAN-DA-LOUUUUUUUS:

According to the suit, Randolph paid the plaintiff $500 to participate in a sex act with another woman. The other woman, identified in the suit as "AF," is a friend of the plaintiff who is a sexual partner of Randolph.

Pretty sexy, right? If you've got the money, it's a pretty wise way to spend $500. Alas, sometimes you're better off paying for professionals:

The suit says the plaintiff simulated a sex act with the woman, to the displeasure of Randolph. After the simulated act, the plaintiff, who says she got drunk at the Exotica strip club with Randolph's party before going to the hotel, fell asleep, according to the lawsuit… When she awoke, the suit alleges, she was assaulted by Randolph.

Ooh. That's unsexy. This is a civil suit (police found insufficient evidence to prosecute), so Randolph needn't worry about being a JailBlazer. But it could cost him $2 million or more, depending on jury-decided damages. Sheesh, for two million bucks, I'll have sex with a woman and let Randolph assault me afterwards.

UPDATE: As usual, TrueHoop digs a little deeper. And there's some stuff that I might want more than $2M for.