Because YOLO, here’s Portland Trail Blazers color commentator Mike Rice donning a satin jacket and a pair of sunglasses to do “the Gangnam” and “the Dougie” with the BlazerDancers. It’s cute, and also should make you feel good about every time you have refrained from dancing. (via That NBA Lottery Pick)

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Party Like It’s 2003: Hear New Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Strokes Songs |UPROXX|

Guess Who ‘Maxim’ Named TV’s Most Beautiful Woman? |Warming Glow|

An Important Discussion About The 1996 Film ‘Vibrations’ |Film Drunk|

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‘Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance’ Lets You Customize Your Dismemberment |Gamma Squad|

Best Songs For Drunk Dialing |Smoking Section|

Better Know A Draft Pick: Geno Smith |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the return of the Wednesday Dunk Battle, the Internet’s only democratic, scientific determination of slam dunk effectiveness in relation to its peers!

If you’ve never participated in a Wednesday Dunk Battle, now’s the time to start. All you have to do is watch four slam dunk videos (the best kind of videos, fact) and decide which dunk is the most slam-dunkingest in the included poll. The winner will receive two prizes: (1) great admiration from the readership of a comedy sports blog, (2) a continued life of being a millionaire.

This week’s dunks are:

1. Kevin Durant dunking on the Los Angeles Clippers so hard their families felt it
2. Last Thursday’s LeBron James effort that made Kobe Bryant’s face do this emoticon – :O
3. Damian Lillard turning Nene from the Washington Wizards into Nene from the Real Housewives
4. Alonzo Gee making Kevin Garnett something something Honey Nut Cheerios

Please watch each clip carefully, then vote!

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I’ve never been good at recognizing basketball penalties. I know the rules of the game, but I’m almost always wrong. LeBron James gets a pass at half court, tucks the ball under his arm and f**king Frankenstein walks 40 feet into a dunk and my brain goes HEY WAIT A SECOND, but nope, the person next to me helpfully explains that they “get two steps!” I’m never right. Also, LeBron James has never carried or traveled.

Amir Johnson has made me feel a little better about my eye-to-brain malfunctions with probably the worst violation I’ve ever seen a professional player get away with. It’s not even debatable. He dribbles the ball, stops, then just dribbles again and takes his shot. You can’t even get mad at it. Everyone who saw it just stood around laughing afterward, because holy shit there were three referees watching him do it.

Video vindication of my terrible basketball-watching abilities is after the jump.

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As we head into the 4th quarter of the NBA season, the Chicago Bulls are the first and only team to have clinched a playoff spot so far, which wouldn’t seem like much of an accomplishment, except that Derrick Rose has missed 17 games this season. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat have entered that “we know we can kill anyone but we’re saving it for the playoffs” phase of their season, which doesn’t mean much, because they’ll still finish in the No. 2 spot – if they don’t gain ground and upend the Bulls, that is – because the Orlando Magic and Philadelphia 76ers most likely aren’t going to catch them.

In the West, the Oklahoma City Thunder showed they’re ready to start the playoffs now, with a 103-87 thrashing of the Heat on Sunday. San Antonio, though, has flown under the radar while becoming the second best team in the conference, and those cranky, grizzled veterans are probably the biggest threat to the Thunder’s Finals run. Well, except maybe the Lakers or the Mavericks. Or anyone.

This season has been strange.

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It’s not a good decade to be a Portland Trail Blazer apparently. First, former All-Star Brandon Roy, who was expected to simply be the team’s amnesty clause pick before he signed on elsewhere, announced that he was retiring because of his degenerative knee issues, and that sucks because he could have been great. Meanwhile, LaMarcus Aldridge will miss a few weeks after being diagnosed with Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, which sounds cool-scary-bad at dancing. And then there’s poor, old Greg Oden.

Possibly feeling that he owed something to the team that drafted him, Oden signed a 1-year, $8.9 million deal with the Blazers, and everyone involved hoped that this would be the year that he at least cushioned the blow of that whole drafted-before-Kevin-Durant thing. Well, we’re going to have to wait a few months to find out, because he has suffered yet another setback in his own knee surgeries, hence the crutches in his recent team photo above.

And that photo has me wondering, is this the saddest thing you’ve ever seen or what? I’ve seen boxes of puppies left on the side of a road look happier than this. Poor guy, maybe he’ll finally be 100% when the Miami Heat sign him for a dollar next season.

For once, dog not Photoshopped.

The Portland Trail Blazers have offered always-injured center and former No. 1 draft pick Greg Oden a qualifying deal of $8.8 million to make him a restricted free agent, despite the NBA lockout beginning tomorrow. In three seasons, Oden has played in a whopping 82 games, as the 7-footer has suffered a broken kneecap and undergone two microfracture surgeries on his knees. But by extending the offer, Portland is telling the rest of the league, “These are our wishes! Our knees! And we’re taking them back.”

“We’ve stood behind Greg Oden every day since he became a Trail Blazer and that continues with today’s announcement,” Trail Blazers President Larry Miller said in a statement. “Despite the setbacks he’s experienced, he continues to be resilient in working tirelessly on his rehabilitation. We’re all very encouraged with not only his progress, but with his commitment and determination to return to the basketball court.” (Los Angeles Times)

Translated: Look, between Sam Bowie and now Oden, Portland is desperate to escape the spotlight of worst high draft picks of all-time. Maybe Miller thinks that Oden can still be a solid NBA center and that’s why he’s investing at least $9 million* in him. But even if he’s wrong, I’d like to look at the positive – thank God Portland made the offer. Can you imagine a healthy Oden (especially sitting out another season with a lockout in a worst case scenario) signing with the Miami Heat? Or with the Boston Celtics? Or the New York Knicks?

Either way, it’s nice to see a guy who is never healthy get a good contract offer. It’s not indicative at all of what is happening in less than 24 hours.

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