Welp, my brain just started bucking. Here come those repressed memories.

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Links

Watch the Worst Church Singer of All Time - Basically the opposite of the Wharvey Girls from O Brother Where Art Thou. Also, basically the opposite of someone who will ever have sex. [The FW]

Photoshop Challenge: Liam Neeson Versus… - I will not be even 1% surprised if this leads to Liam Neeson Vs. Predator in real life. Liam Neeson should try battling his performance in Phantom Menace. [UPROXX]

STen Pointless, Expensive On-Screen Props I Need to Own - BRING ME THE HEAD OF BABY SINCLAIR. [Warming Glow]

Cross Your Fingers: Dave Chappelle & Chris Rock Could Tour Together - Just like Watch The Throne, only Kanye and Jay-Z are still relevant. Yeah, sorry, no amount of being the black friend from Grown Ups is going to make me like you again, Chris. [Smoking Section]

“Total Recall” Remake Not Very, Uh, “Total Recall”-esque - Destiny is going to be disappointed. Total Recall is one of her favorite movies. In fact, like four of her five favorite movies involve Arnold. My girlfriend is weird. [Gamma Squad]

‘I Want You to Make My Mouth Pregnant’ leads AVN ‘Clever Title Award’ - Porn guys sure do have a weird idea of what constitutes “clever”. They should give Allie Sin a Newbery medal. [Film Drunk]

Stephen Colbert’s Interview With Maurice Sendak Was Outrageously Funny - Almost as cool as the time E.B. White and Bill Watterson went on Bill Maher and yelled at each other about religion. That didn’t happen, but oh man. [UPROXX]

Top 10 Pictures Of Vladimir Putin Beating Up Little Kids - Sometimes I feel like we should just start a blog about Russia. Somehow they were less crazy as evil Soviets. [Buzzfeed]

Stick Figure Decals For Your Unfortunate Lifestyle - The “my student could beat up your a-student!” bumpster stickers for a new generation. [Adult Swim]

Gina Carano explains why sex Is like cage fighting. If this doesn’t make you a fan, nothing will - And if you aren’t already a fan, you’re one of those Cage Potato commenters who hate everything. [FARK]

Single Men Vs. Single Women In NYC - As someone swimming in beautiful alty girls in Austin, Texas, this graphic is important and useful to me. [High Definite]

I'd say it's par for the course so far.

I really need to update my Google News alert, because I’m upset that a story involving former WWE wrestler Chyna and the Adult Video News Awards didn’t end up in my inbox a little earlier. But as the annual AVN Awards were held on Jan. 21 in Las Vegas, news is just now surfacing that (read: people outside of the porn industry might suddenly care) Joanie Laurer (AKA Chyna) was acting really strange on the red carpet. Funny, I would have expected a bare floor*.

Perverts, I mean witnesses claimed that Laurer showed up with incredibly glazed over eyes while she acted increasingly strange for the photographers. But honestly, if a gigantic muscular woman, who once made a sex tape with X-Pac, strangling comedian Dave Attell after making fists and mean faces for the photographers is acting strange, then I just don’t know what that word means anymore.

See for yourself in the video after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

Save this show, seriously, if that’s a thing any of us can do.

Links

The 90 Best Tumblr Blogs Of 2011 - Pretty sure Buzzfeed has readied at least five of these lists a day for the entirety of December. [Buzzfeed]

The Five Most Awesome Games On a Graphing Calculator - The way we were advancing the technology in AP Calculus back in the day, I figured they’d be playing Mario Kart on those things by now. Whether or not you think graphing calculators are cool is the truest sign of uncoolness. [Gamma Squad]

Perez Hamilton Is The Best Perez Hilton Parody Tumblr EVAR!!! - Totally funny and run by a cute girl from Disney, proving that cute girls from Disney are our greatest asset and can do anything. [UPROXX]

The 10 Television Actresses You Were Most Likely to See Naked in 2011 - I don’t know who convinced Hollywood’s agents that movies are a terrible place to get naked and you have to CGI your breasts but TV is fine. “Next season calls for 19 scenes of buttf**king, that sound like something you’d be interested in?” “SHOAR!” [Warming Glow]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/5: Zack Ryder All Day Everyday - If you missed it, scroll down one post and read it. Important things are happening with this column! [With Leather]

Do The Source Magazine’s 5 Mics Still Matter? - I guess the white people equivalent to this would be “does Sushi-X’s GamePro score still matter?” And the answer is no, no it doesn’t. [Smoking Section]

Guns, Horses & Insecurities: Reporting From the Set of True Grit XXX - The XXX parody people should delve deeper into John Wayne’s filmography. I mean, The Shootist is probably the easiest thing to porn parody ever. [Film Drunk]

The Cello Skills Are Strong With This Star Wars Fan Video - “This Babylon 5 Fan Is Great At Playing The Recorder”. [Gamma Squad]

The Dozen Funniest Death Scenes In Otherwise Serious Movies - Titanic tops this list for me. I still break out the PUH PUH PUH PUH PROMISE ME RUH RUH RUH ROSE every now and then. [FARK]

Ranking Television’s 10 Best Boobs - Exactly what you think it’s gonna be, but yes, there is also a picture of Alison Brie. [Pajiba]

Time for the X-Men to Get Minimalist - Look at this yellow square! It’s Forge! [Unreality]

The Five Worst Surfing Wipeouts of 2011 - At least three of them were caused by a cursed tiki. [Brobible]

Artist Spots Hidden Animals In Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa - Somewhere in the world Dan Brown just scrolled through our Morning Links, went OH SH*T WHAT and started hyperventilating and scribbling in a notebook. [High Definite]

Links

God Helps Those Who Get Helped By Great Defense And Mistakes By The Opposition - Tim Tebow teaches us that for all the stats and arguments in the world, all you have to do to succeed is win football games. God bless our special little man. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The Russian Toe Hold That Will Kill Us All - This is what you get for fighting with your shoes off. [Cage Potato]

Why We Must Save ‘Community’: The Venn Diagram - Unfortunately “an increased role on ‘Mad Men’ for Trudy” is a good reason to NOT save Community. Pete and Trudy should be the main characters, and we should check in on Don pridefully weeping in California every third or fourth episode. [UPROXX]

The Top 5 Tablets For Holiday 2011 - Alka-Seltzer had better be on this list, am I right, folks? [Smoking Section]

Tell Your Dad: There’s A ‘Mork & Mindy’ Porn - The best part is the continuity that at some point, one of the porn stars becomes pregnant with Zelda Williams. [Film Drunk]

Crotchless Panties. You Know, For The Kids - This’ll go really great with the Lingerie Football kids league. [Warming Glow]

The NY Times Continues Its Hilarious War On Taylor Lautner - I turned on him the second Shark Boy (the wrestler) sued, so good riddance to bad, totally hairless rubbish. [UPROXX]

5 Captain Planet Episodes That Went Horribly Wrong - I hate people who say cartoon characters are hot, but if I could have sex with one animated lady it would be Dr. Blight from Captain Planet. Also on that list, Gadget from Rescue Rangers. She looks like Shawn Johnson. [Gamma Squad]

Ryan Gosling Fans Protest Outside People Magazine Headquarters - It’s pretty great that the one time my generation decides to protest, everyone else turns it into a meme. [Buzzfeed]

Tyler Perry Says That Tyler Perry Casting Kim Kardashian In A Tyler Perry Movie About Marriage Was A Really Good Idea By Tyler Perry - Also a good idea by Tyler Perry: having Mr. Brown do “yo mama” jokes about Madea while he plays double-dutch. [FARK]

Six Everyday Items That Should Require a License to Operate - “Keyboard”. [The Smoking Jacket]

Starrcade’s Main Events: Sting vs. The Black Scorpion (1990) - If you missed it yesterday, here’s me on the Wrestlespective podcast providing some wrestle-perspective on an old, sorta-bad match. Check it out and find out how great I am in real life. [Fair To Flair]

Ah, the first Monday NFL hangover of 2011. And what a Sunday it was, friends. We’ll soon be discussing all sorts of things like last night’s poopfest between Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo, as well as all the college football drama you can swallow. In the meantime, enjoy these links.

(and just like these girls, we want to thank the fire fighters and place men)

(Video via The Daily What.)

Links

Who The Heck Are These Guys: The FilmDrunk Guide To Happy Madison - Every entry should just be “gets to make movies because he’s friends with Adam Sandler”, but you don’t really get to those guys until page 4. [Film Drunk]

‘Home Improvement’ Reunion: Jonathan Taylor Thomas Turns 30 - And he looks weird. Welcome to your future, Bieber. Now do Wild America 2. |Warming Glow|

The Internet Improves Upon The Art Of The Old Masters with Fat Cat Photoshops - Children 80 years from now are gonna be learning that cats were actually in these paintings, and it’s all our fault. We’re creating Idiocracy by accident, people. [Gamma Squad]

Internet Rallies To Help Mentally Disabled Man Whose Superman Collection Was Stolen - Sometimes the Internet is a cool place. Although really, who steals a Superman collection from a mentally disabled person? There are like eight different questions of “why” in that. [UPROXX]

Wait, There’s a Postapocalyptic Porn? And It’s Serious? - Yeah right, like you didn’t know this was a thing. How hard is it to put some buttf**king in a remake of The Road? Not very. [Gamma Squad]

All Of The Musicians You Were Conceived To Reunite For Hilarity - I like David D., but he is severely overestimating my parents if he thinks they were doing it to Jodeci. My parents conceived me to Andrew Gold, pretty sure. [Smoking Section]

South Park Guys Crash NYU Writing Class - I would give any amount of money for Trey Parker to crash something I’m doing. I don’t care if I’m doing open heart sugery, I want him to lean in the room and yell DOOK ERR JERBSSSS. [Warming Glow[

Of Course Bridesmaids Has A Porn Parody - Torrent or it didn't happen. Why can't Kristen Wiig be in this one? [Film Drunk]

Meet the Real Life Russian Barbie Doll - Feel like I’ve already met this lady like 40 times. [Buzzfeed]

Daughter of F1 boss spends $1.6 million on crystal bathtub, says “it’s worth it” - This is how I felt when I paid 15 dollars for the pot holder that looks like Pac-Man. [FARK]

Rumor: Henry Cavill’s Too-Sexy ‘Man of Steel’ Suit May Have to Go - Rumor: somebody finally realized they were making another goddamn Superman movie and nobody is going to pay to see it, so they’ve got to call “too much bulge” and shut it down. [Moviefone]

16 Celebrities Who Fled the Midwest For Hollywood - I want to see somebody make a list of the 16,000 other people who did this and ended up selling t-shirts on the side of the road. [The Smoking Jacket]

Links

Burnsy Makes People Laugh In Real Life - Here’s a nice teaser of Burnsy performing at a college football roast held by the Kiwanis Club. My Kiwanis act would be “so I hear you guys like eucalyptus … anybody remember Noozles” and then coughing for 12 minutes. Burnsy’s better at this than me. [WPTV]

More Star Wars Blu-Ray Edits No Less Ridiculous Than The Real Ones - No less ridiculous, but way funnier. All we need now is for Obi-Wan to tell the story of the two frogs that fell in a pot of boiling milk. [Gamma Squad]

1988 George Lucas Was Against 2011 George Lucas Before He Was For Him - In 20 years, Return of the Jedi is just going to be When In Rome with some blinking Muppets. It will still be better than anything involving a spaceship made since like 1985. [UPROXX]

Game On: HIV Test That Shut Down Porn Industry Was False Positive - The next scandal should be a porn star telling her director that she’s pregnant and showing him a home test she intentionally peed on too much to make positive, and then a month or so of follow-up where the director sobs in a Planned Parenthood until she admits she did it on purpose. [Film Drunk]

Kick@ss Movie GIF Photosets: Part Two - I need to learn how to make GIFs more efficiently, I want to contribute a Josie and the Pussycats set, and possibly one for Stay Tuned. The Golden “Ghouls” still makes me laugh, because I’m 10. [UPROXX]

Soulja Boy: “F**k Army Troops” - Whenever we are upset at something Soulja Boy has said, we must remember that he’s the guy who filmed himself jumping off a cliff in “Braid”, rewinding it, and jumping off again while laughing. I’m sure he hates army troops AND hospital doctors. [Smoking Section|

Oprah Winfrey and Usher Versus Yelling Goat - I'm siding with the goat in every imaginable scenario. [UPROXX]

First Video: Patricia Clarkson as Tammy 1 on ‘Parks and Recreation’ - Pretty excited to have this and “Community” back and airing regularly. Also excited for season two of Outsourced!! [Warming Glow]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay: Walking Dead Edition - “Zombie” always strikes me as a lazy costume, even when you put tons of work into it. Like, it’s the asexual equivalent of the “sexy” costume. I’m a zombie nurse! I’m a zombie firefighter! etc. [Gamma Squad]

25 Stunning Raquel Welch Magazine Covers - I’m not complaining, but why did somebody decide this should be a Buzzfeed post? Can I put up galleries of Ginger Rogers? [Buzzfeed]

21 Dropped TV Subplots - I think Buffy had about 40 of these, unless “Willow didn’t go to jail or lose any friends or face any kind of personal punishment for killing a bunch of people, she just had to go to wizard therapy in England” isn’t a subplot. [FARK]

Why (Some) French Movie Posters Are Better Than Ours - Polish posters are even better, but Japanese posters are the best. The Field of Dreams poster where the title is MAN BUILDS CORNFIELD AND HAS MAGICAL CATCH WITH DEAD FATHER or whatever is the funniest thing in history. [Moviefone]