In the most embarrassing moment to happen to him since he tried to teach Jesse Katsopolis how to play basketball, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was scolded by ‘Jeopardy!’ host Alex Trebek for asking “What is X” when the question we were looking for was “what is G, you old creep”. Apparently Jeopardy is a family show, and “what is the back of Linda Lovelace’s throat” has never been an answer. Who knew?
You can check out video of the moment below, and don’t worry, it wasn’t shot on 8 MM film.
Creepy floating heads edition.
When I’m wrong, I’m the first to admit that I was wrong. And boy did the NBA’s defending champs make me look like a fool. Last week, I predicted that no team would be swept from the NBA Playoffs last week, and to make matters worse, I boasted that it was a sucker’s prediction because only one team had the possibility of sweeping its opponent through Saturday, and that was the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I thought for sure that Dirk Nowitzki and Co. would show some scrap and claw back for one win. Wrong.
Oh well, I never said that the prediction machine was a perfect beast, but it’s close to perfect, because I was right about everything else, including the winner of the Kentucky Derby*. And that builds enough confidence for me to move forward with another round of brilliant sports predictions.
*I did not pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby in last week’s post, but I was totally like, “Oh yeah, bros, I pick I’ll Have Another.”
According to TMZ and every tabloid with TMZ on Google alert, a “secretly filmed” Hulk Hogan sex tape is being offered up for sale to the various high-end porn jockeys.
We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.
To make this slightly less disgusting, I’ve gathered together ten jokes/talking points to share with your friends, should you accidentally drop “Hulk Hogan sex tape” into conversation and need an out.
1. I didn’t know Brooke Hogan was ever a brunette.
2. This is just the sequel to the one where Hogan has sex with Chyna in the middle of a Royal Rumble. Does the gay Iron Sheik show up in this one, too?
3. This is the grossest thing he’s ever done without the Nasty Boys. (Alternate joke: This gives new meaning to the term “Nasty Knobbs”.)
4. Did he bring along Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake along with him to help him f**k this woman?
5. At the end of the tape it looks like he’s about to finish, but he starts shaking and pumping his fists and walking around in a circle … when the lady asks him what’s wrong, he makes an o-face at her, points, yells “YOU!!” and keeps nailing her.
WILSONNNNN
WILSON I’M SORRY
(via Cosby Sweaters)
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Links
On The Saints, NFL Bounties And Finally Being Treated Like Regular Human Beings - I don’t know why everyone’s so upset about these NFL Bounties, I think having paper towels with Saints logos on them is awesome! *bicycle horn honk* [Smoking Section]
Gregg Williams Has Complex Homophobia - “AIDS Convention” is almost as ridiculous as “the jerk store”, but it sells more jerks. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Matches We Loved 2011: Part II - The #ddslove continues, and I’m actually in this one! Watch the clip of the match I picked to see someone kick so hard their kickpad flies off. [DirtyDirtySheets]
The Best Of ‘Community’s’ #Abed - Cool. Cool. Cool cool cool. [UPROXX]
The First Ten Minutes Of John Carter Are Kind Of Impressive - I kept expecting Bryan Cranston to roll over, grimace at the camera and yell “nobody’s in the theater, John!” [Gamma Squad]
Project X kid was in a Bang Bus movie - Living the dream. I can’t wait until my UPROXX bosses find out about the time I Pornhubbed Allie Sin. [Film Drunk]
Discussion and Poll: Has ‘The Walking Dead’ Earned Back Your Trust? - “And furthermore, what do you guys think about season 4 of Heroes?” [Warming Glow]
Christina Hendricks & Olivia Munn Are The Latest Celebs To Have Their Cell Phone Pics Surface On The Internet - Proud of myself for getting up a link to this story yesterday before anyone else on the network. Also, disappointed in myself for being so into celebrity nudity. [UPROXX]
25 People Who Think President Obama Killed Andrew Breitbart - “Colledge” says everything you need to know about these people. Obama’s the reason for these tornadoes breaking out, too. He has an evil tornado machine. [Buzzfeed]
The Live News Sexual Innuendo Supercut - Nudes at eleven. Er, I mean “news”! Heh! [HuffPost Comedy]
Watch Britney Spears’ Changing Face Through the Years - “Watch how stress, drugs and eating disorders make you look like a 50 year old women by the time you turn 28.” [The FW]
Five Brilliant Graphic Novels that Just Happen to Star Talking Animals - Real talk: We3 is right behind Watchmen as my favorite comic ever. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and find it immediately. [Unreality]
Photo via Vivid.com, by way of my nightmares
It was only a matter of time before Chyna parlayed her “please forget I wrestled” acting career into porn, and an even smaller matter of time before that porn career became all about how she used to wrestle.
From TMZ, who I’m gonna pretend are using ellipses because you need to pause and take a breather in the middle to get out these sentences:
Former WWE superstar Chyna is finally getting back in the ring … taking on 9 dudes at the same time … except it’s for a porno movie.
TMZ has learned … Chyna was totally serious about pursuing a XXX career … and just wrapped up on a Royal Rumble-inspired flick in which she locks up with a bunch of dudes who all look like famous wrestlers … including a wannabe Hulk Hogan, wannabe Triple H, wannabe Ric Flair and more.
Cue the “this is fake! Look, he stomps when he f**ks!” comments. I think what upsets me the most is that someone’s making a Royal Rumble porno and giving it 10 entrants instead of 30. Maybe the next one can feature a Money In The Stank ladder match.
Anyway, the two major points of interest here (besides a broader point about sadness) are that Chyna competed in multiple Royal Rumbles during her WWF career and that in the long long ago (before the darkness came) she dated the actual Triple H, in contrast to simply letting the gay-for-pay one put it in her butt. As you may know, Triple H made the biggest upgrade in pro dating history in the early 2000s when he went from a drugged-out bodybuilding monster to the daughter of the billionaire who ran his company.
TMZ has photos of the 9 unlucky gents who got to wear Halloween costumes and go knees-deep in Chyna, including an Iron Sheik who is probably in a worse mental state than the real one and a living version of the “john cena gay” meme from the Best And Worst Of Raw:
The best part is that a guy who can create exploding chemistry bombs is getting bossed around by his wife. “That’s it, you’re DONE!” I’d be like, “f**k you, eat a face of death bubbles” and just spread gun that sh*t at her. Via Buzzfeed.
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Links
Pot, Meet Kettle: Shaq Calls Dwight Howard Leaving Orlando A “Travesty” - Now he’s got to start insulting peoples’ terrible rap albums and genie movies. [Smoking Section]
20 Most Cromulent ‘Simpsons’ GIFs - I was hoping the Grandpa Simpson “walks in, sees Bart, turns right around and leaves” gif from the Maison Derrière would make the cut. [Warming Glow]
Submit your questions for our first “Ask a Porn Dude,” with Seymour Butts - Two-parter: “Can you get me Shane from Shane’s World’s phone number, and if so, how much would she like to sleep with someone who is extremely nostalgic about her?” [Film Drunk]
The 10 Definitive Nicolas Cage GIFs - It must be weird when 10% of you is a genius, and 90% of you is just AHHH THE BEES NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES AHGGGHHHH [UPROXX]
International Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Shows New Action - Spider-Man battles The Shocker, can’t see him because he’s looking through yellow eyes, gets shocked, dies. [Gamma Squad]
In Case You Were Wondering, Chris Brown Is Still The Absolute Worst - If I could put one fandom on The Magic School Bus and tell Ms. Frizzle to pilot that sh*t into the sun, it would be Team Breezy. [UPROXX]
Shirtless Jeff Goldblum Pretty Much Demanded Jurassic Parks And Rec To Happen - That “I thought it was terrible wine” line still makes me laugh. Everything needs to get mashed up with Jurassic Park. [UPROXX]
Bill O’Reilly To Kate Upton: “Get Off My Lawn!” - Re-linked here to help meet our Kate Upton quota for the day. The best part is that O’Reilly thinks the dancing is what we like about her video. [With Leather]
Ten More GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Undeniably Exciting Thing In Sports Right Now - The most exciting thing about sports is that pitchers and catchers report this month, but I’ll give it to them, Lin is #2. #3 is slam dunks! [Buzzfeed]
Man Suffers Heart Attack While Eating at Heart Attack Grill - Hold on, I need to put in my monocle before I write about this story. [Popcrush]
11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Caine’s Career - “Come on, it wasn’t that funny of a movie” has to be this generation’s most damning insult. Also, Cars 2 blew so hard. [Pajiba]
Eight Giant Movie Plot Holes in Eight Images - Some of these are good (the Toy Story one in particular made me go, “ha, oh man, you’re right”) and some aren’t (Star Trek, Jurassic Park). Regardless, it’s something I’d like to see more of. [Unreality]
Nas Tells His Craziest Party Story Ever - “One time when I was chillin’, I grabbed the buddha, got my crew to buy beers, and I watched a flick … of course, I was both illin’ and rooting for the villian. Anyway … huh?” [Brobible]
