As an unapologetic stan for The Wonder Girls, I like to throw shade at Girls Generation whenever I can. Last year, I got my first opportunity to turn a sports comedy blog into a Korean teenager’s Tumblr when Jessica Jung wound up for a dramatic first pitch and got it about four inches before it hit dirt. I laughed and laughed, and took joy in the momentary failure of a rich pretty lady who probably didn’t give a shit.

Fast forward a year and history is repeating itself.

Tiffany Hwang of Girls’ Generation was tasked with throwing out the first pitch at Monday’s Los Angeles Dodgers/Arizona Diamondbacks game. She wore cat ears. She had a dramatic wind-up, just like Jessica Jung. She impressed the crowd by firing in a strike, and hahahaha no she didn’t. Here’s the clip:

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During the late 1990s and early 2000s, anyone related to a pop singer could become a success. Britney Spears’ little sister got her on television show, the little brothers of Backstreet Boys got record deals, Jessica Simpson’s uglier, somehow even less talented little sister got her on television show AND a record deal, the list goes on and on. One of the touchstones of late-90s pop nepotism (popotism? I should write for Pitchfork) was the two platinum albums (!!) of Aaron Carter. He rode the fame of his older brother Nick to temporary heartthrob status, so much so that one time I happened to go to Kings Dominion on the same day Aaron Carter was performing and didn’t get on ANYTHING because every square inch of the grounds was covered in homemade t-shirted 11-year olds. It got pretty bad, for a while.

Anyway, Aaron’s greatest achievement was his attempt at a Will Smith Vs. Mike Tyson-style rap showdown with then-Los Angeles Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal. In the song, Aaron brags to his friends about how he beat Shaq. It’s called ‘That’s How I Beat Shaq.’ It wasn’t written by Dostoevsky.

Here’s a quick recap, in case you missed it:

It’s like boom (boom)
I put it in the hoop
Like slam (slam)
I heard the crowd screaming
out jam (jam)
I swear that I’m telling you the facts
Cuz that’s how I beat Shaq

Thanks to some wonderful combination of God existing and TruTV, Aaron Carter and Shaq got together recently for a rematch, and it went a lot like it should’ve the first time. Justin Bieber, get ready for a harrowing look into your future. You’ve got campy videos where people try to remember you and Kim Kardashian coming up in like 13 years.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the man I want to be when I grow up.

The man in the picture is Uncle Rico Alan Kahn, AKA the author of The Speed Bag Bible, AKA The Last Dragon? He’s so good at punching a speed bag that he can use it as a drum, punching along to some of his favorite songs, assuming they include lyrics about how cool it is that he’s drumming a speed bag.

If you read that and thought, “lol, what,” here’s his explanation:

I like Punch Drumming to songs that relate to the words, “Rhythm” and “Beat” etc. In this clip I’m punch drumming to a song called “Rhythm Of The Night” by DeBarge. It’s a medium speed song with a funky dance beat that fits well with a 9×6 bag.

Who am I to doubt Alan Kahn? If he says DeBarge is appropriate for 9×6 bags, I’m going with it. Here’s the video. If it inspires you to go kick somebody’s ass to ‘Who’s Johnny?’ don’t worry, you’re not alone.

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I try very, very hard to keep my ears away from today’s pop music, because autotuning is like Fran Drescher scraping her teeth across a chalkboard to me. So when some girl named Carly Rae Jepsen became an overnight sensation with a song called “Call Me Maybe” I was determined to avoid it as well, because people kept Tweeting about how catchy it was despite being terrible. Then I attended two weddings this weekend and that was shot to hell, because I think I heard it roughly a dozen times.

With that plan destroyed, I figured it was time to check out that Harvard baseball video that has racked up 8 million views on YouTube over the past few weeks. In case you’re unfamiliar – and if you are, you deserve a Purple Heart – the Harvard boys performed a little choreographed dance routine in their team van and the Internet went apesh*t for it. Admittedly, it was inspired, despite the song being cookie cutter, assembly line pop regurgitation.

Sadly, I didn’t watch my step as I turned away, and I fell into a terrible YouTube wormhole of “response” and “tribute” videos to the Crimson, and by response and tribute videos I mean terrible, blatant rip-offs. Apparently some other sports teams saw Harvard’s unique performance and successful viral video as a glove-drop and they all tried to out-do it. You know, by doing the same freaking thing.

After the jump, take a leap into the wormhole with me and watch how a meme is born and then slaughtered in a matter of days.

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