Reality TV host, global real estate icon and world’s largest source of natural hot air Donald Trump reached a new level of relevance during the 2012 presidential election, as he trolled Twitter ever so hard and goaded millions of people into reacting to his shameless, arrogant and irresponsible opinions about President Barack Obama and the future of America. All the while, as people lashed out at the world’s most famous head of hair, there was a hilarious irony in a man who has declared bankruptcy 5 times proclaiming to know what is wrong with America. But we ain’t here to chatter politics.

Instead, now that the election is over and Trump is through dangerously tossing around the word revolution, Trump chose to get back to pushing random buttons, this time targeting the fine people of Scotland, where he recently built Trump International Golf Links, an ambitious golf course that Trump claims sets a “new standard in course design” while “honoring Scottish tradition”. Also, you have to be wealthy as hell to become a member, so naturally the people who have had the honor of playing this course think it’s the kilt’s tilt.

That let Trump to this recent boast.

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Next up on ESPN's Broke 2...

Even before the Oklahoma City Thunder shocked its fans by trading James Harden to the Houston Rockets, the sensational young 6th man had proven that he was ready to step up his off-the-court game as one of the NBA’s premiere ballers. After he helped Team USA win a gold medal at the 2012 Summer Olympics, Harden invited his closest NBA friends and some of the most notorious female groupies on board a yacht for his 23rd birthday party. I’m pretty sure that for my 23rd birthday party, I passed out in an Applebee’s bathroom, so good for him.

But even as Thunder fans burned the Bearded One’s shirseys in the streets after he turned down the team’s questionable offer, Harden is apparently adapting to life in Houston just fine. According to a random picture that has been quietly making the rounds, a young woman named Jasmine Taylor claims that she had a “Lonngg but great night” and that it was great because Harden threw some stacks at her.

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Oh Pete Carroll, you ol' horn dog.

Last week, due to the NHL lockout, the league canceled its best regular season event of the season, as it pulled the plug on the Bridgestone NHL Winter Classic, which would have been played in freezing temperatures in front of 100,000 people at the University of Michigan. That should have been one of the coolest – literally and figuratively – sporting events of our lifetimes, and instead it’s just a memory rattling around like a BB in the tin can that is Gary Bettman’s head.

Today at 3:30 PM ET, the owners and players union will resume talks, and people seem to be buzzing about the possibility of the NHL saving half of its season, much like the NBA did last year. But for a reminder, let’s turn to TIME’s Keeping Score for a recap of what it will take to get these guys back on the ice.

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Relevant.

If you’ve been looking for a great deal on an apartment in New York City recently, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but boy did you miss out on the bargain of the century. In what the New York Post is calling a “steal”, New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter just sold his Trump Tower penthouse for only $15.5 million. Sure, that may seem like a hefty price, but keep in mind he was selling it for $20 million, after he originally paid $12 million. Good God, this economy is destroying us all.

So who’s the lucky bargain hunter who saved $4.5 million on this guaranteed poon palace? Anheuser-Busch’s chief supply officer Claudio Ferro, that’s who. I know, it’s like one superstar to another, right?

Claudio Ferro paid $15.5 million this month for the captain’s four-bedroom bachelor pad, a palatial, suede-covered man cave, the sources said.

I’m sure suede’s not the only thing it’s covered in. *rimshot*

At $15.5 million, Ferro is getting a steal. “You would think they [the broker] would get a higher price based on Derek Jeter’s name alone,” said one mystified broker.

And you know he was mystified because he created a flash with his hands and vanished in a cloud of smoke. The strange thing here, though, is that Ferro is moving into this place with his wife and children, and that’s odd to me because, well, think of all the sex that happened in that place. You know how paranormal experts believe that if something so intense occurs in a house – like a horrific murder, or in this case 8 trillion orgasms – that it can haunt that home forever?

I’m just saying Claudio shouldn’t complain when his kids wake up to Scarlett Johansson screaming to the heavens. Anyway, let’s have a look at Mr. Ferro’s big purchase.

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A few years ago, when I was still in my broke, we-need-to-cram-a-bunch-of-people-into-this-hotel-room-to-save-money phase (not very far removed), some friends and I were in St. Pete to watch UCF get demolished by Rutgers in the Poopyfart Rental Furniture Random Sponsor St. Petersburg Bowl. Of course, like most morons, we wanted to be up as early as possible to go tailgate, but ESPN was showing the 30 for 30 special The U and we were just glued to the TV.

It just baffles me that ESPN can make a series so amazing, yet they give actual American money to Jon Gruden to felate Tony Romo on Monday Night Football.

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For some reason, Vince Young’s attorneys are apparently telling everyone with ears that the former No. 3 overall draft pick is broke and desperate for work. According to the Houston Chronicle, the 2006 Rose Bowl star has blown through the $26 million in guaranteed money that he received 6 years ago, as well as whatever other money the two-time Pro Bowler has made over that time. And now, after he was most recently cut by the Buffalo Bills, Young is dumpster-diving for Ramen noodles.

In an increasingly caustic war of words, attorneys have been arguing for months over whether Young is an out-of-control spender who put himself deeply in the hole or simply a victim of inexperienced advisers, one of whom was his own uncle.

“I would just say that Vince needs a job,” said Trey Dolezal, Young’s attorney, when asked to give a general assessment of his client’s finances.

In the wake of the accusations that super agent Drew Rosenhaus has knowingly been pushing his clients to a scam artist disguised as an investment guru, this really isn’t surprising. But good lord, NFL players! At what point do you stop and say to yourself, “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t let my friend or family member who has ZERO investment experience handle my money”? Better yet, when do these teams and billionaire owners finally step in and finally stop letting these athletes Brewster’s Millions themselves?

In one of those rare occasions when Darren Rovell isn’t complaining about how ugly Playboy Playmates are and has actual interesting information to provide, Young would have had to spend $7,000 per day since he was drafted by the Tennessee Titans to blow $26 million. So Danger Guerrero and I tapped our brains and tried to think of some of the more awesome things that we would buy if someone gave us $26 million to throw away. You know, if we were Vince Young.

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