♫ HE WENT FOR A SHIT
HE WENT FOR A SHIIIIIIT
JASON PUNCHEON
HE WENT FOR A SHIT ♫

The video’s title — “Jason Puncheon went for a shit!” complete with exclamation point — is equally funny.

Puncheon took the chant well (instead of bursting into tears and running away promising to never shit again, like I would’ve), but I think he should take this and its viral successes to heart and make “leaving the game to poop” his trademark. Just bail whenever he wants, walking away all funny while people cheer. Maybe come back in the middle of it with his pants around his ankles asking for another roll of toilet paper. It’d keep anybody from getting near him, at least.

[via Mentality Magazine]

In what we have dubbed one of our most important and biggest sports moment of 2012, and according to my team of hard-working fact-checkers, Austrian daredevil and Red Bull pimp Felix Baumgartner flew to the edge of the Earth, approximately 24 miles above the ground, and jumped from his tiny capsule to earn the title of the Craziest Bastard That You’ll See This Year. Baumgartner’s leap from space featured him breaking the sound barrier and reaching a speed of mach 1.24, so naturally he reached out to some experts before that fateful October day.

Specifically, Baumgartner sat down with astronaut legend Neil Armstrong to discuss the ins and outs of what it’s like to travel in space, and by our standards, they discussed possibly the second most important thing that anyone would need to know about being in space.

Felix — who jumped from the stratosphere during the Red Bull Stratos project — was in L.A. yesterday, and revealed that he met with astronaut Neil Armstrong before his October jump … and the topic of conversation was space-logs.

According to Felix, zero-gravity dumping is a serious issue … and Neil and other astronauts agree — you just don’t drop a deuce in space unless you absolutely have to. (Via TMZ)

After our last check-in with TMZ, I’m a little disappointed in the lack of innuendo. Space logs? Boring. I expected at least one Chocolate Rain reference. As for the most important thing that they could have discussed, it’s sex. Ain’t a dude out there about to travel to space who isn’t going to wonder if some green alien babe with three boobs might find him and need his help in repopulating her planet. Any astronaut that denies that thought is lying.

Check out Baumgartner’s description of what happens if he needs to make a peepee or a poopy after the jump.

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Dramatic Reenactment.

While new Los Angeles Lakers center Dwight Howard waits for the doorways and halls to be raised in his new home in HELL Newport Beach, he’s currently staying at a posh hotel in Beverly Hills. That, of course, has made him readily accessible for TMZ and the other Los Angeles paparazzi, and Howard is fine with that because he shamelessly wants to be loved and will slap on the smile and charm at the first flash of a bulb.

Early Monday morning, residents in some areas of L.A. experienced a mild earthquake that registered 3.3 on the see you at the party Richter scale. TMZ caught up with Howard yesterday to ask him about his first earthquake since being traded to the Lakers, and, well, we’re lucky to still have him with us.

“I was in the toilet … and It shook me off the toilet,” Dwight told us.

For the record, 3.2 is WEAK SAUCE … the Northridge quake that hit back in 1994 was a 6.7 and lasted almost 20 seconds. The Sylmar quake in ’71 was a 6.6.

You hear that, world? WEAK SAUCE. That’s a SCIEN … TIFIC term… bro. The TMZ guy with a camera also asked if the earthquake made Howard reconsider his trade to L.A. and he reaffirmed his love for saying he loves L.A. in front of cameras.

But a fall from a toilet could be pretty serious for a guy who recently had back surgery that kept him from flying to Orlando for his kids camp and may cause him to miss the start of the NBA season, so he should probably see a doctor to make sure it’s okay for him to fly to China again.

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Yesterday, the above picture popped up on this Reddit thread (or possibly here first, according to Internet police) with a series of other divers photoshopped on the toilet, and quite frankly I’ve never been so proud of the Internet. So I went in search of more diver photoshops, hoping that I would find a golden treasury – perhaps even some holy divers *air guitars* – and what I actually found was an endless obsession with English diver Tom Daley. Even worse, millions of women keep telling me that I look just like Daley, and I’m flattered, but I’m definitely more handsome.

Despite the lack of an infinite amount of pooping diver photoshops, I was mildly impressed with the results of an hour-long Tumblr search, based on the numerous posts on various sites about *taps mic* did you ever notice how Olympic divers make the funniest faces? Then I saw what the fine folks in the Reddit photoshop battles thread were doing with it and I felt much better. Check out their efforts after the dump, er, jump, and if you can beat these, post your best effort in the comments and you might get a free With Leather t-shirt.

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Happy Columbus Day, everybody. I’m going to celebrate by going into my friend’s house, telling him I live there now, then giving him a terminal disease. And then I’m going to try to sell all of my brown-skinned friends. Columbus!

Links

Changes In The UPROXX Media Network’s Commenting System Are A-Comin’ - Rating systems, posting incentives and more are heading your way, and two weeks after they arrive I’ll figure out how to leave comments again and thank you for supporting UPROXX© brand media. [UPROXX]

Worst UFC Cake Ever - This is what happens when you spend too much time on the cage and not enough time on the fighters. The line between “MMA guys” and “gay gentlemen watching the clouds” is razor thin. [The Fight Nerd]

Jeremy Bridges Pooped His Pants - His punishment should be never wearing those white uniforms again. Sometimes they just knock the sh*t out of you, I guess. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Real Steel Review: A Terrifying Commercial For A Dystopian Future - They totally skip over the 100 years or so when people go THIS IS FAKE, ROBOTS AIN’T EVEN REALLY PEOPLE. Also, I don’t ever want to see a commercial for this f**king movie ever again. [Film Drunk]

The Problem With ‘Terra Nova’: Boring Characters - The other problem is Transformers disease: if you make a show about battling space robots, have the space robots battle each other, don’t show me what Average White American thinks about it. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Delivers 30-Minute PSA On His Legacy And Steve Jobs - He admired Steve Jobs’ poppin’ bottles and dipping just as much as Steve admired bartending and stripping. [Smoking Section]

Trailer for Reincarnated ‘Beavis & Butt-Head’ - So good. Now bring back Dog Boy! [Warming Glow]

10 Famous People Without Their Famous Facial Hair - See what Brian Wilson looked like before he started trying too hard! Also, Ron Swanson sans mustache is still the weirdest thing ever. He looks like a pug. [Buzzfeed]

The Most Banned Horror Movies in History - I miss the 70s, where you could just rip a turtle apart on film and rape somebody and it was considered a classic. [Moviefone]

Ben & Jerry’s Supports Occupy Wall Street - I bet the hard-assed Republicans at Rice Dream think otherwise. [The Daily What]

The Ten Best Cartoons From The 80s - Normally this kind of thing doesn’t bother me, but I want to know who at Unreality Mag decided “cartoons I remember from the 80s” was a good and unique idea in goddamned 2011 on the Internet. That list was played out back when we were starting X-Entertainment in like 1999. [Unreality]

English soccer legend Gary Lineker celebrated his 50th birthday on Tuesday with his second wife and his son and probably other people, but none of them mattered because LOOK AT HIS WIFE! But as much as I’d love the story to be about Danielle Lineker’s awesome boobage, there’s an even more fitting story making the rounds about this futbol star, who leads England with 10 career World Cup goals.

Apparently while playing in England’s opening round match of the 1990 World Cup against Ireland, Gary, a striker in her majesty’s service, pooped his Umbros. Now let’s take a piece of two-ply and wipe that “apparently” away, because there is outstanding video footage of the act in question, accompanied by Gary’s testimonial of when he was sliding into Liverpool and he felt a quiver stool… diarrhea. God, I miss being six-years old.

After the jump, you can check out the year’s best video involving an athlete pooping himself and wiping it on the ground, as well as – you guessed it! – a more detailed look at Danielle Lineker…

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