In what we have dubbed one of our most important and biggest sports moment of 2012, and according to my team of hard-working fact-checkers, Austrian daredevil and Red Bull pimp Felix Baumgartner flew to the edge of the Earth, approximately 24 miles above the ground, and jumped from his tiny capsule to earn the title of the Craziest Bastard That You’ll See This Year. Baumgartner’s leap from space featured him breaking the sound barrier and reaching a speed of mach 1.24, so naturally he reached out to some experts before that fateful October day.

Specifically, Baumgartner sat down with astronaut legend Neil Armstrong to discuss the ins and outs of what it’s like to travel in space, and by our standards, they discussed possibly the second most important thing that anyone would need to know about being in space.

Felix — who jumped from the stratosphere during the Red Bull Stratos project — was in L.A. yesterday, and revealed that he met with astronaut Neil Armstrong before his October jump … and the topic of conversation was space-logs.

According to Felix, zero-gravity dumping is a serious issue … and Neil and other astronauts agree — you just don’t drop a deuce in space unless you absolutely have to. (Via TMZ)

After our last check-in with TMZ, I’m a little disappointed in the lack of innuendo. Space logs? Boring. I expected at least one Chocolate Rain reference. As for the most important thing that they could have discussed, it’s sex. Ain’t a dude out there about to travel to space who isn’t going to wonder if some green alien babe with three boobs might find him and need his help in repopulating her planet. Any astronaut that denies that thought is lying.

Check out Baumgartner’s description of what happens if he needs to make a peepee or a poopy after the jump.

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Back before the sports news world was dominated by stories about how stupid the Orlando Magic is for not giving Dwight Howard to the Brooklyn Nets or how everyone should love and worship LeBron James now because he won the NBA Championship or how something called the Summer Olympics is about to happen, there was the NFL, which also had news. Chief among that news was Peyton Manning’s free agency, an occurrence that we never thought would happen.

But sure enough, it did and Manning, who said from the beginning that it was never about money, signed a 5-year deal worth $96 million with the Denver Broncos. So what do you do with that much money? You buy a $5 million home in your new town. And don’t worry, Manning will never have a shortage of places to poop.

Manning purchased the home for $4,575,000. The home was originally listed in March 2011 at $5.25 million.

Manning’s new home, according to the listing through Fuller Sotheby’s International Realty, is more than 16,000 square feet and sits on 3.37 acres. It includes seven bathrooms, separate media and billiard rooms, a “safe” room and an elevator. (Via the Denver Post)

Seven bathrooms. What do you even do with that? I like to think I’d be like my dog, who likes to poop in three different spots every time I take her out. I’d just pinch it off and run from bathroom to bathroom until I’m done.

Ah, back to the good jokes.

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco tweeted a photo of his toilet earlier today, and how about that, it looks just like a Bengals helmet. And really, there’s no better-fitting analogy for the team’s depressing season than a commode in Bengals colors.

Cincinnati, mind you, won their division last year before losing to the Jets for the second time in a week in the opening round of the playoffs. And if we were going to pin the blame on someone for the team’s current 2-9 record, it wouldn’t be Ocho, but quarterback Carson Palmer, who is on pace to have his worst full season as a pro. He’s been playing like poop.

But this is a much more team-oriented than Terrell Owens’s toilet, which is just a 3-dimension mold of his own face. Click the image to embiggen.

Self-proclaimed “professional climber, adventure addict, world traveler, artist, musician, budding film maker” Cedar Wright recently shot a video for the Squamish Mountain Film Festival, entitled “Squamish in a Day.” During that video shoot, Wright and his fellow rock climbers hit a bit of a snag, though, and one climber – Jason Kruk – got his knee stuck in a tight crack. But that was just the start of Kruk’s escalating problems. Haha, oh rock puns.

Kruk, who looks like he could be in a Fall Out Boy tribute band, admits during a video that a fellow climber shot of their ordeal that he was a bit hungover. Once he realized his knee was stuck in the crack and Wright comes to his aid, Kruk begins to dry heave and then eventually craps his pants. All while Wright is hanging beneath him, trying to get his leg free.

Video for “Boogie ’til You Poop” after the jump (NSFW for language, lots of bad words that would make your grandma hush you).

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Sure, when a mangy mutt gets loose on a minor league baseball field and poops, everybody thinks it’s hilarious, but when I do it, I spend the night in jail in a cell with no toilet paper. Hardly seems fair.

Be that as it may, the Northwest Arkansas Naturals, a member of the Texas League and the Double-A affiliate of the Kansas City Royals, have a promotion at Arvest Ballpark called “Iams Adoptable Pet of the Game,” when “a local dog from a shelter is featured for adoption.” During said promotion the other night, the spotlighted canine, obviously realizing this might be its one chance to escape, broke free from his handler and scampered around the field, much to the delight of the fans in attendance. Once the dog discovered a little free space in the outfield, seeing the buttload of wide open grass available, proceeded to unload the contents of its butt. Hey, when nature calls, what’s a dog supposed to do, right? Read the rest of this entry »

Leave it to the Pac-10 Conference to lead the charge of progressive language in women’s basketball. Someone should tell Arizona State coach Charli Turner Thorne that if she’s gonna say something dirty in a halftime tirade that’s being captured on videotape, she should just go ahead and say it. You can’t filter out the word and then expect your message to have the same effect. Poop, pee-pee, bush, make love to, wiener, tinkle, mommy’s special friend, and boobies just don’t carry the load of anger and frustration the same way. What, do you feel vindicated having said poop?

How did the Sun Devils do in the second half? Read the rest of this entry »