According to something known as the “news”, Kenneth Bae is a 44-year old Korean-American who was arrested in North Korea and sentenced to 15 years of hard labor for “hostile acts” against the country. Of course, nobody but Kim Jong-Un and his super happy government officials know what those hostile acts consisted of, as Bae was in the country with some Chinese businessmen. Needless to say, Americans are very concerned for Bae’s well-being, and many people are hoping that someone like Bill Clinton or Jimmy Carter can work some magic like they have in the past.

Alas, North Korea officials have stated that they would not allow Bae to become a political bargaining chip as other prisoners of the state have been in the past. Fortunately, the U.S. has a secret weapon that may help in this case. No, it’s not one of thousands of missiles that could smear Kim Jong-Un’s ass from Onsong to Haeju. This weapon is smarter, stronger, faster and sometimes dressed like a woman. It’s Dennis Rodman.

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President Barack Obama is finally doing what we elected him to do: he’s berating the NHL owners and players for being jerks about money so we can have pro hockey again. Well, that’s what I elected him to do.

The POTUS issued a thorough, partisan-free statement in an interview with WCCO-TV in Minneapolis, and if Gary Bettman missed it and reads With Leather (which I’m sure is the case), I hope he reads it carefully:

“My message to owners and to players is, ‘You guys make a lot of money and you make a lot of money on the backs of fans, so do right by your fans. You can figure out how to spread out a bunch of revenue that you’re bringing in, but do right by the people who support you,”‘ Obama said. “And I shouldn’t have to be involved in a dispute between really wealthy players and even wealthier owners. They should be able to settle this themselves. And remember who it is that’s putting all that money in their pockets.”

This isn’t the first time Obama’s spoken out about the lockout … back in October he stared into the dark abyss that is Jay Leno, broke out a flippant “y’all” and told the warring factions to get their shit together. This is also what he does during Middle East peace talks.

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Normally, posts about Taiwan animation sports recaps are pretty straight-forward; Tim Tebow gets literally crucified, a newborn baby flies out of a womb with a handgun or Queen Elizabeth beats a kangaroo to death with a baseball bat. You know, the usual.

With Election Day right around the corner, our pals in Taiwan (and the uncredited nerds and graphic designers in Los Angeles who probably write and actually animate these things on the reg) have gone the extra mile. Instead of simply posting a bunch of videos of Barack Obama riding a tiger into a circus tent and tearing up a bunch of binders full of women, Next Media Animation has crossed over into the video game world and allowed you to control the U.S. Presidential candidates via their grim, violent, barely-drawn avatars.

Not content with showing wacky re-creations of world events, Next Media Animation is now getting viewers into the action.

The “Obama vs Romney Boxing Faceoff” game, released in time for the US election, lets viewers feel the ‘deep affection’ the candidates have for each other. The interactive online experience lets anyone become either President Obama or Governor Romney for a satisfying smackdown of the opponent in a virtual boxing ring. (via NMA.tv)

It’s like that old game where you could beat up Barney the dinosaur, only in 2012 for some reason, featuring people who will control the world. Who cares about the loss of our privacy and freedoms or a rollback on women’s rights when you can get 5-20 seconds of mild enjoyment out of a crudely done, virtual Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots? THIS IS HOW WE ROLL. And in all honesty, I’m surprised Taiwan didn’t whip out this concept for Hurricane Sandy. That thing got memed to death, and I would’ve enjoyed punching an anthropomorphic New York City subway system in boxing gloves.

Anyway, because I don’t have time to make a photo-realistic Romney and Obama in WWE ’13 before tomorrow morning, you can get more information about the game here, and watch a hype video below. They never touch, but their eyes are connected by lightning! AMERICA!

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The gents at Ranger Up have put together a brief, expository PSA about voting, and while some of it can be disputed — morons get elected whether we vote or not, because the only people allowed to run are the ones who appeal to the most morons — some of it can’t. For example, yes, if I fail to vote in November, I could end up in a kumite deathmatch against the previously pretty-nice-seeming Tim Kennedy. The logic makes sense, what can I say?

Video is below.

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Illinois representative Luis Gutierrez knows the secrets to arguing about important, real-life things on the Internet — sarcasm, topicality and, if possible, Justin Bieber-related photoshops. He also knows that if you mention sports guys, sports sites can report it as Sports News.

In sports news:

Rep. Luis Gutierrez took to the House floor on Wednesday morning to address Arizona’s immigration law — particularly the portion of it that the Supreme Court refrained from striking down. Railing against what he saw as the inherent racial profiling in the policy, Gutierrez hammered his point with what was basically a game of Guess Which One’s The Immigrant.

Beside an easel that presented side-by-side pictures of the celebrities he invoked, Gutierrez said the “show me your papers” aspect of Arizona’s policy isn’t just a problem for anyone who looks “like they might have come to America from somewhere else. It’s a problem for every American who cares about freedom.” Sarcastically commending Arizona law enforcement for being able to discern undocumented immigrants not by their looks, Gutierrez said, “Maybe with practice we can all become like Arizona politicians and police officers who are able to telepathically determine who to accuse of not belonging in America.”

Guess Which One’s The Immigrant includes an amazing pronunciation of “Geraldo Rivera”, segues into Justin Bieber learning about his adopted homeland from Selena Gomez and peaks with California’s Jeremy Lin being compared/contrasted with Belgium’s Tony Parker. The only way he could’ve made it more applicable to the Internet would be a page that was nothing but the Kate Upton GQ cover so he could point at it, say “this is Kate Upton” and flip to the next page without mentioning immigrants.

He’s making a good point. No law should exist where you can legally just look at somebody and decide they’re something. That’s day one manners. Get your shit together, Arizona, and don’t make Gutierrez break out the cat memes.

[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]

Here’s one for the KEEP YOUR POLITICS OUT OF MY SPORTS tag. From College Football Section (wait, what?):

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum visited LSU’s Alex Box Stadium over the weekend and found time to show off decent form in the batting cage. President Bush and President Obama both have done first pitch duties, but if Mr. Santorum is elected, he might be the first to take batting practice.

At first it looks like “The True Conservative” (who looks, sounds and acts exactly like Jim Bob Duggar) is taking some good cuts, until you realize that those pitches are coming in at dead turtle lob speed and might as well be sitting on a tee. Regardless, it’s fun to see these incognito space monsters attempting to look human, and it’s a nice break from Barack Obama’s liberal basketball agenda.

For further “Republican Presidential candidates taking batting practice” jokes, Rick Perry couldn’t step into the cage because of his rampant menstrual bleeding, but Mitt Romney took a relaxed attitude toward work to watch the baseball match, mentioning that the Nye-mets are his favorite squadron.