The key words here are “and other devices”.

Houston Astros’ outfielder Jordan Schafer has been arrested in Florida and charged with felony possession of marijuana.

According to an arrest report from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s office, Schafer was arrested early Tuesday morning in Tampa after a traffic stop and was released on a $2,000 cash bond. It wasn’t clear if he had an attorney.

A police report says that black Land Rover driven by Schafer with its windows open pulled up next to a police car. Police say officers noticed a strong marijuana smell and saw Schafer smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Baseball players are doing drugs! Here at The Dugout we try to approach each breaking news bit about pro athlete substance abuse with dignity and respect, especially if we’ve never heard of the player, and pending that player not being Manny Ramirez or someone whose wife-beating bullsh*t makes us too sad for jokes. I don’t even think Jordan Schafer’s parents know who Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer is, so here’s a rundown of exactly what happened when he was arrested. And yes, the part about him having weed peanut butter cups is real.

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Have you seen the episode of “Modern Family” where Luke gets taken to a psychologist and left in a parking lot, and when his parents realize what they’ve done they start freaking out, but he rolls up in a limo and it turns out he’s smart and can find his way home? Good, now imagine that Claire and Phil Dunphy are alcoholic football fans, the psychologist’s office parking lot is Cleveland Browns Stadium and the limousine is the police.

From Dave Nethers at Fox 8:

According to police reports, Anna and Earnest Fugate of Circleville had come to the city’s muni-lot where they started arguing while “partying” before the Browns-Dolphins game.

Earnest then went on to the stadium, leaving their 9-year-old foster son with Anna, even though she was “obviously intoxicated,” “acting loopy, bumping into other people,” according to police.

“Anna then gave the boy to two strangers, who were heading into the game with game-day tickets,” according to the report. The two strangers turned him over to a security guard at the stadium.

A police lieutenant later stopped the Fugates’ vehicle as they were trying to leave the muni-lot together, without their foster son.

“When asked why they were leaving without their child, they shrugged,” the officer reported. “When asked why they did not report the child missing, they laughed.”

Anna and Earnest, who I’m picturing wearing a denim vest, have been charged with misdemeanor child endangering and pled not guilty, because honestly, how dangerous is it to hand your foster son over to some strangers in a football stadium parking lot and drive around drunk without him? If they’re convicted, they could do time. Now a family is going be broken, and a 9-year old knows how to fill a Mountain Dew bottle with urine and throw it at somebody.

No word on whether or not Anna caught her dress in an escalator at Browns Stadium and had to get naked in front of people, or if Ohio is going to pass some kind of law to keep people like this from adopting.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

That lovable, wacky Manny Ramirez, always watching cartoons in his underwear in his GM’s office, always taking secret pee breaks behind the outfield fence, always, uh, retiring from baseball to avoid drug scandals. Always … beating his wife? This isn’t going where I want it to go. I guess I should recap this from the beginning.

This morning:

Manny Ramirez allegedly slapped his wife in the face with an open hand … causing her to hit her head against the headboard of their bed … this according to the police report.

TMZ broke the story … Manny was arrested at his home in Florida yesterday for battery in a domestic incident.

According to the report, Juliana told police she and the MLB slugger were arguing in the bedroom when Manny … “struck her in the left side of the face with an open hand causing her to hit her head against the headboard of the bed.”

A little later in the morning, Manny appeared at a Boward County courtroom for a bond hearing wherein the judge issued a no contact order and barred him from having any contact with his wife. By 8:30 TMZ was all over the place, flooding their page with nearly every aspect of the story including the 911 call, which makes the situation sound a little bit more like Manny, but still far too weird and casually disturbing to be as funny as it sounds:

During the call, Juliana tells the operator, “Hi, my husband just hit me.”

When the operator asks if she’s safe … Juliana replies, “He’s not doing anything anymore ’cause he knows I’m calling the police.”

As of 9 AM, Manny was being released from a Florida Jail after posting $2,500 bond and ingratiating himself to local media by snatching microphones out of their hands and throwing them. I’ve spent so long trying to find the humor in situations like a football player being stabbed in the stomach by his wife or someone getting nerve damage trying to pry frozen burger patties apart that it takes a few of these posts in a row to get me feeling maudlin, and man, I really do not want to spend the rest of my day and life thinking about Manny Ramirez slapping a woman, going to jail, and then getting pissed at reporters who want to know why he hit his wife in the face.

Regardless, I think the Lady Cop will be in heavy rotation tomorrow.

[via the entirety of TMZ]

Shaquille O’Neal should be able to get any job in the world. Like, if he wanted to be a barista at Starbucks, he could write “had successful 19-year NBA career, starred in movies and TV shows, had video game and multiple action figures, is happy gigantic millionaire” at the top of an application and be instantly awarded a position as manager. In fact, all he really needs to write is “Is Shaq”.

That’s what makes Shaq’s personnel file from his secondary career as a reserve officer on the Miami Beach police form, featured today on the Miami New Times Blog, so confusing and enjoyable. The New Times embedded the file on their site, and while a lot is missing (such as Shaq’s substance abuse history and the neighbors who gave him a bad reference), Shaq’s request to “work special crimes unit” is there, and holy sh*t is that just the beginning.

The report reads equal parts “adorable” and “concerning”. Examples of “adorable” include:

- Asked about “special skills” or “equipment”, Shaq simply wrote: “Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance”

- Shaq got deep when interviewed for the job. Asked about the best memory of his life, he responded: “All dreams have come true.”

- The worst? “Messing up so much that he thought parents didn’t love him.”

And the awesome, subtle Kobe diss:

- He listed the Los Angeles Lakers as a previous employer from 1996 to 2004. Job title: “NBA center”. Description of duties: “Everything”

But as cute as that all is (binnochulars, omg), Shaq decides to just openly lie about most things, like owning a car and completely forgetting that lady who claimed he choked her at Disney World.

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Here’s the short version: The object pictured above is a thing a real policeman is going to wear, and not something you can get bundled with a Sterling Sharpe train whistle in the team shop at Lambeau Field. The longer version, from the Associated Press:

Official badges of some Green Bay police officers have begun sporting the logo of the NFL champion Green Bay Packers.

Green lettering on the gold badge proclaims, “Green Bay Police” and “Super Bowl Champions XLV.” Smaller green letters remind people of the city’s nickname, “Titletown.”

Department leaders authorized the badge this year after the team won its fourth Super Bowl title. Officers can purchase the badges for use until next August. Officers also can elect to wear the department’s traditional badge.

Along with the new badges, the Green Bay Police Department is introducing a great new retirement plan where you’re allowed to retire, come back, retire again and get transferred to Minnesota.

I hope the “officers can elect to wear the department’s traditional badge” part is supposed to read “officers will continue to wear normal badges” and this Packers logo variant is the one the part-time housewife who answers phones might wear, like Kids First license plates.

[h/t Sportress Of Blogitude]

Chad Muska seems like a fairly average, affable guy. He’s a pro skateboarder, and he’s the type who goes out to a Coffee Bean at 2 in the morning, spraypaints “MUSKA KILLS” on their windows, then calls the security guards the N-word until someone arrests him on felony charges.

From TMZ, the leader in opportune sports coverage:

Muska was first detained by security at the Roosevelt Hotel around 2AM. Law enforcement sources tell us Muska was seen spray painting his name on a nearby Coffee Bean.

While security guards waited for LAPD officers to arrive — Muska demanded the guards let him go, and called them “ni**as” several times … including one instance in which he said, “Fu** all these ni**as right here.”

LAPD eventually showed up and arrested and booked Muska for felony vandalism — and our sources say Muska had tagging materials on him when he was arrested.

You’d think “skateboarder acts tough defacing a coffee shop, then is racist nutbag” would be the best part of the story, but nope: Element Skateboards, one of Muska’s pro sponsors, is defending him using the oldest and worst white people excuse ever.

A rep for Element Skateboards — Muska’s sponsor since 2006 — tells TMZ, “There is a major difference between n**ga and n***** and it’s totally obvious he is not being racial at all.”

The rep then added “black people can say it to each other and it’s fine, but when I say it it’s racist?” as well as “if you threw a White Pride Parade people would get upset!” before disappearing into the darkness to draw grim reapers and Fear Factory logos all over his sh:tty racist skateboards.

[h/t and insert picture via Off the Bench]