This part is supposed to be the story:

Raiders starting middle linebacker Rolando McClain has been arrested in his hometown of Decatur, Alabama, for allegedly assaulting an individual, holding a gun to his head and firing a shot next to his ear.

But probably the only thing you’re going to notice is that epic, cheesy, socially-uncomfortable photo of him being led into a police car captioned “McClain smiles for the camera after he was arrested by Decatur police”.

As the story goes, the victim got into a fight with a guy named Jerradius Willingham and, by proxy, McClain. He lost. As he was crawling to his car, McClain held a gun to the guy’s head and made him beg for his life. Instead of blowing his brains out, McClain held the gun next to the victim’s ear and fired it. He’s been charged with discharging a firearm within city limits, third degree assault, menacing and reckless endangerment. It’s the second time this year he’s been present when shots were fired. He’s 22. That’s the picture he took as he was being arrested. It’s funny, yeah, but Jesus.

“I didn’t do anything and am being treated stupidly by these policemen” is the only reason I can see to pose like Norbit in your arrest photo. If he seriously held a gun to another human being’s head and tried to blow out his ear drum because he thought it’d be funny AND posed like this as he was being taken away he is beyond f**ked. Maybe not professionally, a topic that requires tons of editorial columns to assess and over-analyze, but personally and in his physical brain he is f**ked.

[via SFGate]

As Eric Freeman of the excellent Ball Don’t Lie points out, there are positive and negative aspects to being 7-foot-6. On the negative side, even mundane, day-to-day activities like buying clothes, walking through doorways, sitting in cars and fitting into pre-19th century buildings become impossibilities. There are a few positives, though, like being able to make millions of dollars for a couple of years as a basketball player, and that when a Monstar steals your talent all he’s really stolen is your ability to be tall (and you’re still that, you didn’t shrink) so you’re more-or-less unharmed.

Being that tall also, as we’re learning today, makes stories about people stealing your special tall-people things super, super sad.

Last Friday, someone burglarized the barn on [former basketball star Shawn] Bradley’s property. The only item that was taken was a bicycle made specially for him in 2006.

“Whether you’re 7 feet 6 inches or normal height, stealing someone’s bike is low,” an upset Bradley said Wednesday. [...]

After Bradley retired from the NBA in 2006, the 7-foot-6 center said he needed to find a way to keep the weight off. Trek made a bicycle just for him.

A bicycle made just for him.

Ignoring the fact that Shawn Bradley has a barn to house his special bicycle like he’s Pee-wee Herman and ignoring the fact that somebody broke onto an NBA millionaire’s property and all he took was his special 8-feet-tall megacycle, how f**king sad is this. It gets even worse when you read his follow-up, which sounds exactly like a five-year old explaining why this particular stolen big wheel is the biggest deal ever — he namedrops his brother. His BROTHER.

“My brother is 6 feet 10 inches and he can’t ride it,” Bradley said.

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You guys. Holy crap. Just read this:

Brandon Kelly of Petaluma told the Santa Rosa Press Democrat on Tuesday that he’s a fan of Woods and got the idea after watching “Drive” — a recently released movie starring Ryan Gosling as a stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway driver.

“I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie ‘Drive,’” Kelly said. “As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.’”

Jesus Backflipping Christ. That quote might be the most delightful three consecutive sentences in the English language. I’ve read it 100 times, and it keeps getting better. I’m not exaggerating when I say that his journey from “Drive is awesome” to “I must do something courageous and epic” to “I’m going to chunk a hot dog at Tiger Woods” is easily the most important philosophical quandary of our time. I must know more about this hero. AT ONCE. I propose two options:

1) A “30 for 30″ documentary about the incident, complete with a frame-by-frame analysis of the throw and interviews with all the relevant parties.

2) A Frost/Nixon style series of interviews where I sit down with Mr. Kelly and pick at his brain with hard-hitting questions like “Let’s say, hypothetically, that you hadn’t been able to get your hands on a hot dog… what then? Pretzel? Nachos? The people have a right to know.”

My point is this: this man’s story must be told.

(video and picture via the handsome and talented Vince Mancini)

Does this look like somebody who’d have a severe drug problem?

38-year old pro wrestler Travis Tomko (aka “Tyson Tomko” or just “Tomko”) has topped Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer getting arrested for marijuana possession at a Cheesecake Factory as the month’s most random and least baller sports-world arrest by robbing a CVS Pharmacy of its Oxycodone, then going to a local Chili’s restaurant to ask for a soup spoon, ground up all 178 pills and inject them into his body. It also tops “Booker T once robbed a Wendy’s” as the best WWE fast food tragedy.

According to the police report, obtained by TMZ, Tomko went to a nearby Chili’s … where he asked his waitress for a spoon. When the server brought him a teaspoon, he asked for a “deeper spoon” … and when he got it, he took it to the men’s room … where he remained for 30 to 40 minutes.

Cops were eventually tipped off … and when they arrived on the scene, one officer says Tomko had “needle marks and blood running down his arm” … and had just flushed something down the toilet.

Tomko was taken into custody — and allegedly told police he has a “severe drug problem.”

To his credit, I spent 40 minutes in the bathroom the last time I was at Chili’s, too. He was taken to a hospital, then immediately taken to jail.

Tomko spent five years in TNA Wrestling and held one-half of their tag team championships, making him at least as good of a wrestler as Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Pacman Jones. He’s spent a lot of time in Japan, as well, but is best known for his seven-or-so years in World Wrestling Entertainment and that one time Christian asked him to “drop a beat” so he could battle rap John Cena and was refused. According to this report, that might’ve been the only time he’s ever said “no”.

Before becoming a wrestler, Tomko was a bodyguard for Limp Bizkit, and you can see him milling about in the “My Generation” video, so at least it’s comforting to know that getting sent to jail for shooting up 200 off-brand drug store painkillers in the worst of the family restaurants isn’t the saddest thing that’s ever happened to him.

The key words here are “and other devices”.

Houston Astros’ outfielder Jordan Schafer has been arrested in Florida and charged with felony possession of marijuana.

According to an arrest report from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s office, Schafer was arrested early Tuesday morning in Tampa after a traffic stop and was released on a $2,000 cash bond. It wasn’t clear if he had an attorney.

A police report says that black Land Rover driven by Schafer with its windows open pulled up next to a police car. Police say officers noticed a strong marijuana smell and saw Schafer smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Baseball players are doing drugs! Here at The Dugout we try to approach each breaking news bit about pro athlete substance abuse with dignity and respect, especially if we’ve never heard of the player, and pending that player not being Manny Ramirez or someone whose wife-beating bullsh*t makes us too sad for jokes. I don’t even think Jordan Schafer’s parents know who Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer is, so here’s a rundown of exactly what happened when he was arrested. And yes, the part about him having weed peanut butter cups is real.

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Have you seen the episode of “Modern Family” where Luke gets taken to a psychologist and left in a parking lot, and when his parents realize what they’ve done they start freaking out, but he rolls up in a limo and it turns out he’s smart and can find his way home? Good, now imagine that Claire and Phil Dunphy are alcoholic football fans, the psychologist’s office parking lot is Cleveland Browns Stadium and the limousine is the police.

From Dave Nethers at Fox 8:

According to police reports, Anna and Earnest Fugate of Circleville had come to the city’s muni-lot where they started arguing while “partying” before the Browns-Dolphins game.

Earnest then went on to the stadium, leaving their 9-year-old foster son with Anna, even though she was “obviously intoxicated,” “acting loopy, bumping into other people,” according to police.

“Anna then gave the boy to two strangers, who were heading into the game with game-day tickets,” according to the report. The two strangers turned him over to a security guard at the stadium.

A police lieutenant later stopped the Fugates’ vehicle as they were trying to leave the muni-lot together, without their foster son.

“When asked why they were leaving without their child, they shrugged,” the officer reported. “When asked why they did not report the child missing, they laughed.”

Anna and Earnest, who I’m picturing wearing a denim vest, have been charged with misdemeanor child endangering and pled not guilty, because honestly, how dangerous is it to hand your foster son over to some strangers in a football stadium parking lot and drive around drunk without him? If they’re convicted, they could do time. Now a family is going be broken, and a 9-year old knows how to fill a Mountain Dew bottle with urine and throw it at somebody.

No word on whether or not Anna caught her dress in an escalator at Browns Stadium and had to get naked in front of people, or if Ohio is going to pass some kind of law to keep people like this from adopting.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]