He’s not technically a Baltimore Oriole anymore, but when the O’s disassociate themselves from you you’re an Oriole until proven otherwise. From an AP report:

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic (AP) Former major leaguer Vladimir Guerrero said he has surrendered to police after authorities contend he attacked a police officer in a disco. Guerrero denied being part of an attack.

Police said no charges have been filed against Guerrero following the mayhem in Nizao, about 40 miles from Santo Domingo.

Maximo Baez Aybar, a spokesman for the police in the Dominican Republic, maintained Guerrero “physically attacked” police officer Renato Pena Rojas after a brawl broke out in the disco. Baez Aybar asked that Guerrero turn himself in “so the case can be put in the hands of the justice system.”

Thanks to chatroom technology we can jump to the moment of the arrest and find out exactly what happened, pending my ability to remember Spanish. Today’s Opening Days Dugout (which was originally just the above picture with FLAGGERERRO written at the bottom) is after the jump.

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This 40-year old guy was arrested at the Masters on Sunday. See if you can guess what for!

He didn’t attack anyone or cause a disturbance during the event. He didn’t even try to throw hot dogs at Tiger Woods. No, this perfectly sober gent was arrested for disobeying the guard ropes and trying to scoop up a sand trap with his red Solo cup.

The full report, from The Augusta Chronicle:

Richmond County sheriff’s Capt. Scott Gay said Clayton Price Baker, of Ohio, slipped under the ropes following the tournament and attempted to put the sand in his cup.

After a short foot chase by Augusta National security and sheriff’s deputies, Baker was apprehended and charged with disorderly conduct.

Gay said Baker, who was drinking heavily at the time of the incident, was unsuccessful at getting any of the sand in his cup.

I’ve heard worse plans. People pay two-hundred bucks for sh*t like that in SkyMall. And I know the last sentence is supposed to suggest that he was arrested before he got to the sand trap, but I like to imagine the sadder scenario wherein he knelt in the sand for like twenty minutes, scooping up piles of it with his hands and never being able to hold onto it long enough to get it into the cup like some Hellbound physical challenge on ‘Double Dare’.

Advice for next year: skip the Masters and go get drunk on the beach.

[via Fark]

"Oh God, I'm so sorry, please don't hit me."

Breaking news courtesy of TMZ:

UFC superstar Alistair Overeem — the guy who beat Brock Lesnar into retirement — has been charged with misdemeanor battery for allegedly attacking a woman in a Vegas hotel earlier this month.

According to the Clark County District Attorney’s Office … Overeem is accused of “pushing/shoving” a woman in the face at the Wynn Hotel in Vegas at around 3:00 AM on January 2 … just a few nights after he defeated Lesnar at the MGM Grand.

Law enforcement sources tell us the alleged victim is 5’4″ and 128 pounds. Overeem is listed at 6’5″, 260 lbs.

TMZ makes sure to call Overeem a “UFC STUD” for some reason, which is especially weird in a story about how he might’ve shoved a woman in the face.

Anyway, this could easily be a misunderstanding, a person looking for a quick payday or another example of a guy who fights for a living not being able to control his giant angry monster body, so who knows? We’ll keep you up to date when more information is available, and we’ll divide every sixth word in half with ellipses.

Brace yourself for shocking news: a rich, popular 22-year old went out partying and made an irresponsible life decision. Set judgment eyeballs to stunned — San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith was charged Saturday with DUI in Miami Beach on Saturday.

The report, which may’ve been written by a scoop-getting robot, from the New York Daily News:

Miami-Dade County jail records show Smith was booked Saturday morning and held on $1,000 bond. Jail records did not show whether Smith was represented by an attorney. A Miami-Dade County Corrections spokeswoman said Smith was arrested by Miami Beach police. A police spokesman said he had no information immediately available about the arrest.

The 49ers said in a statement Saturday that they were aware of the arrest.

“We take these issues very seriously, but will reserve further comment at this time, as this is an ongoing legal matter,” the team said. “The 49ers will continue to gather the facts and monitor the developments closely.”

You’ve got to love that the report is “Smith was arrested. He was arrested by police. Uh, police are people who do arrests. We don’t know anything else. Please visit our website”. They should’ve just said f**k it and ended their post with “in conclusion, Aldon Smith can be compared and contrasted”.

The link to the mugshot provided on Fark Sports reads “49ers linebacker Aldon Smith can’t be bothered to give a fark in his DUI arrest mugshot”, but I don’t think that’s the case. Sure, he might look a little U the I, but I think that’s just the way he takes pictures. I mean, look:

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"Yours for $5000. Priced to move."

Okay. This is the best. And by “the best,” I mean “kind of the worst except for the sheer ridiculousness of that headline.” The Houston Chronicle published an in-depth report on Sunday chronicling an alleged scheme to smuggle gold from Africa to America that involved former NBA All-Star Dikembe Mutombo.

Dikembe Mutombo represented that the gold belonged to him and “his people,” said St. Mary, whose work as a trader in rough diamonds has taken him to dangerous places with sketchy characters. Asked why the transaction would take place in Kenya, Mutombo said there was “too much shady stuff in Kinshasa” — Congo’s capital — and that Nairobi was closer to his village, St. Mary said. Mutombo was to supply both product and paperwork, and Lawal was to provide funds for the purchase and to cover expenses.

St. Mary was to evaluate the gold and find buyers.

“He had an answer for everything,” St. Mary said of Mutombo as they went through the details of the proposed deal.

At various points over the next two months, St. Mary thought the whole thing smelled fishy. [Houston Chronicle]

The whole thing is honestly a little confusing. Apparently Mutombo claimed the gold was his while setting up the deal, but then he started demanding a huge upfront fee. And later some guy had to pay $30 million when the deal went south because an African general was holding his people and plane hostage. I don’t know. The most important takeaway of the story is this: this needs to be turned into a movie. Like, A LOT. I feel like Dikembe Mutombo: Gold Smuggler could be a great film if we got the right director attached. For example, me. I want to direct this movie. And write it. I’ll film the whole thing in the jungle, where I will go mad with power and exceed my budget by $50 million. When I eventually turn in my final cut, it will be seven hours long and inexplicably include an extended sequence involving Rafer Alston playing streetball with African warlords. It will be like Blood Diamond meets Above the Rim, with a splash of Apocalypse Now.

I await your offer, Hollywood.

Via SB Nation

I’m not sure I could recognize Philadelphia 76ers guard Lou Williams if he passed me on the street, so it’s good news that I wasn’t the guy who tried to rob him on Christmas Eve. For both of us, I guess.

Maybe the guy recognized him from his weird shirtless, pensive-stare-at-probably-porn background on Twitter. Regardless, Williams seems like a cool guy and I wouldn’t wish Holiday Murder on even my least favorite sports celebrities (even the Kardashians get a “kill them on a less wistful day” nod). It also allows me to use my two best armed robbery pop culture references, the episode of Fresh Prince where Will gets shot so Carlton flips out and buys a gun for revenge and the episode of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ where Joey gets held up but the robber gets hit by a car so she takes him to a hospital and gives him all her money there, but I’m not going to make them.

Maybe Lou didn’t get robbed at all, and this is just a worked cautionary tale to get players to bail out their hoods, like ‘Christmas Shoes’ for basketball players. Who knows?

[by way of Larry Brown Sports]