Don’t like reading horrible stories about former sports celebrities molesting children? HERE, HAVE TWO.

The first is Elizabeth Leigh Garner, a 42-year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, who is in trouble for getting drunk at a party, following a 12-year old boy (yes, a 12-year old boy) into a bathroom and trying to go down on him against his will. This is a thing that happened in real life.

“He stated she was asking him if he had ever been with a woman,” Roberts reported, adding the boy disclosed she then touched him inappropriately on the outside of his pants. “He also said she was making an attempt to take his shorts off …” and told the boy she would perform oral sex on him.

The boy told Roberts he became frightened and was able to get out of the bathroom and tell his mother. (via Black Mountain News)

That last sentence is such a ghastly reminder of how young a 12-year old really is. Her excuse is equally embarrassing, and the type of thing you can’t really make up.

“Ms. Garner, who was advised of her miranda rights, stated that she was drunk that evening,” Roberts reported, “and that she got the boy confused with a man who also at the residence.”

To her credit, it’s probably totally easy to mix up a grown man with a 12-year old who is sobbing and running off to tell his mother. Here’s a video clip of the story, courtesy of NewsChannel5.com:

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Photo credit: Antioch Police Department

On Wendesday, we shared with you the story of a Catholic high school baseball coach who pretended to be a lady on Facebook to get naked pictures of his players. Now, according to U.S. law, here is a thing that is basically the same: an Illinois high school special-education teacher got caught smoking pot under the bleachers during a sectional wrestling tournament.

Can we call that “Potfishing?”

As [Peter] Mulloy lit up his “one-hit” pipe, however, an off-duty police officer sitting in the stands smelled the strong scent of marijuana and went to investigate.

Beneath the spectators, the officer found Mulloy smoking weed and confronted him before calling police in Antioch, the Chicago Tribune reported. (via NY Daily News)

The 50-year old Mulloy (who clearly understood the best way to enjoy sectionals … ask anybody who’s seen an episode of ‘Glee’) was arrested and charged with “possession of cannabis and possession of drug equipment” and released on a massive $120 bail.

He goes back to court in March. Pete, if you’re googling your name with your head in your hands and come across this, I’d like to suggest the following excuse: “Your Honor, I was depressed about the International Olympic Committee removing amateur wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games, and the beauty of this local Illinois wrestling tournament combined with the hopelessness of these kids’ sports futures gave me great anxiety. Also, I was using the one-hit pipe for tobacco, like Miley Cyrus and literally everyone else ever who has been caught with a pipe or bong.”

If that doesn’t work, enjoy your lifetime in prison, because we are super weird about drugs.

[h/t to Vince]

Ochocinco and Terrell Owens got together at some point during the winter, shotgunned a marathon of ‘Necessary Roughness’ and decided they could get their shit together and have a Diva Wide Receiver Renaissance. T.O. showed up in Seattle to run the 40 in 4.45 and earn himself a one year, $1 million contract. Ochocinco showed up in Miami, legally changed his name back to Chad Johnson (because serious business) and focused on the finer points of his game, using the experience he’s earned from a decade in pro football to …

Wait, I’m sorry, what?

According to [Davie police captain Dale] Engle, Johnson and his wife, Evelyn Lozada, were driving to their home in Davie after dinner Saturday night when Lozada found a receipt for a box of condoms in the car, sparking an argument that got “heated.”

When they arrived at their home, the argument “escalated quite a bit,” Engle said, and Johnson and Lozada butted heads, giving Lozada a laceration on her forehead. Lozada told police that Johnson purposely head-butted her, while Johnson told police it was accidental. (via Palm Beach Post)

welp,

This is one of those situations where blogger analysis is useless, because Jesus, I’ve never found myself “accidentally headbutting” someone so hard it opens them up in an argument over condom receipts. Johnson was released from jail on $2,500 bond and Miami terminated his contract within the day.

You’d think the rest of the Dolphins would just throw up their hands, say “okay, fine, whatever” and move on with their lives, but we live in a world where everyone has an opinion, so someone’s inevitably got to have the “who cares if he rage-headbutted a lady, we’ve got football to play” one. Dolphins linebacker Karlos Dansby, everybody:

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I almost called it “Boom, Headshot”.

This clip (by way of Dan Steinberg of The Washington Post) teaches a valuable lesson — if you are brave enough to run out onto the grass at FedEx Field during a U.S./Brazil friendly and start knee-sliding around in front of 67,000 people, don’t expect the police to calmly waltz up and arrest you. The soccer guys are friendly, not the cops. The video title describes it as “MUST SEE POLICE BRUTALITY”, but it’s closer to “MUST HIT THIS GUY AS HARD AS I CAN BECAUSE FOR F**K’S SAKE WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING THIS”.

As an added bonus, here are a few other fans at the game freaking the hell out and getting arrested. Apparently one of the women in the clip bit a police officer. The guy in the background yelling “DON’T TASE ME, BRO” is especially helpful.

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According to a continually updating report from TMZ.com, former San Diego Chargers linebacker and NFL 1990s All-Decade Team member Junior Seau has been involved in a possible shooting and may be dead. Whoa.

The report:

Cops in Oceanside, CA are investigating a possible shooting involving former NFL star Junior Seau … law enforcement sources tell TMZ.

We spoke with an investigator in the coroner’s office .. who told us they got a call to respond to the scene … though the details surrounding the situation are still unclear.

Cops are currently at a residence where 43-year-old Junior is believed to be staying.

People in law enforcement are telling us Junior Seau is dead … but we are unable to confirm that right now.

And the update:

11:06 AM PDT — A man just came out of the house appearing extremely distraught … and he is now talking with law enforcement.

This is obviously the worst kind of sports news, and I think I speak for everyone when I hope it’s not as bad as it seems.

UPDATE:

Ugh, now it’s official. TMZ says Junior Seau is dead.

NFL legend Junior Seau was found dead in his home in Oceanside, CA … and a law enforcement source at the scene tells us cops believe he shot himself.

Seau was 43-years-old … and leaves behind 3 kids and an ex-wife.

Every imaginable condolence goes out to Seau’s family.

Or, “Dude, yer gettin’ arrested for a hate crime”.

From the Detroit Free Press:

Detroit Tigers outfielder Delmon Young was arrested and faces a hate crime-related charge in connection with a dispute outside a hotel along New York’s 6th Avenue early this morning, a New York police spokesman told the Free Press.

“Basically, there was an incident at the hotel (and) some anti-Semitic remarks,” said Det. Joseph Cavitolo, who added that alcohol was involved.

Our exclusive, three-part report on this very serious matter is after the jump.

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