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‘There is No Bigatory in Juggaloism’: Pictures & Quotes from American Juggalo - Juggalos should be a reminder to white people that they should 1) not smoke, 2) lead a healthy lifestyle, 3) not take advantage of poor women with no self-esteem. [Film Drunk]

Colbert Had Hipster Paramedics Standing By ‘In The Event Any Radiohead Heads Totally Lose Their Sh*t’ - There is a dangerous use of the word “hipster” in today’s Morning Links. Do hipsters like Radiohead? More importantly, do hipsters like things? [UPROXX]

5 Best Uses of Radiohead in Film - Sadly “that scene I wrote in my book so that I could use ‘Street Spirit’ in the movie adaptation” is not on the list. Scott Tenorman is still the best use of Radiohead in something, including Radiohead concerts. [Moviefone]

ACW Evolution Of The Revolutinon V - I missed Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s last show when I was in Los Angeles, but Dirty Dirty Sheets recaps it and makes me feel like I was there. Fans are being encouraged to wear HALLOWEEN COSTUMES to their next show, so if you live anywhere near central Texas, holy sh*t, be there. [Dirty Dirty Sheets]

WTF, Japan? - Japanese people reenact the opening scenes of the Pokémon game using bad costumes, bad editing and buckets of water. Charizard Guy is the saddest. [Gamma Squad]

God Smites Earth with Nancy Grace Nip Slip - Dowdy, thick middle-aged conservative nutcases #cangetit [Warming Glow]

Top 10 Pictures Of Justin Bieber Looking Like A Hipster Douche - Again, I don’t think Bieber looks like a hipster douche, I just think he looks like an idiot. He’s also the reason why every child dresses and acts like this now, so he’s not “hipster”, he’s totally and completely the social norm. [Buzzfeed]

‘Drive’ Set to Sh*tty Music - Funnier than it should be. The only thing it needs is a record scratch. [Film Drunk]

Irish Farmer Shocked by Rihanna’s Toplessness - I feel like Rihanna needs to spend more time with actual human beings. Like, take a year or two off, go work at a soup kitchen. And stop trying to finger yourself through your clothes. [FARK]

Is ‘The Playboy Club’ or ‘Pan Am’ More Accurate? - No. [AOL TV]

Ice Cream Shop Mascot Repeatedly Mistaken for KKK Member - I need to get a picture with this guy. I already have pictures with KKK members, it’s called my family photo album. [The Daily What]

How to Make Your Own Chewbacca Suit - 1) Kill as many dogs as possible, 2) lay down a sheet of glue, 3) roll around. [Unreality]

As hard as you try, it’s hard to hate nearly-aborted Denver Broncos quarterback and college football hugging legend Tim Tebow. His religious beliefs make him one of the ten most influential athletes in the world and he always seems affable, even when talking about growing up with missionaries and sponsoring orphanages. So outside of longstanding, biased college football rivalries and Derek Jeter style TIM TEBOW SUCKS talk, who could develop thorough enough of a mean-on for Tebow to crack that Average White Boy persona and hurt his feelings? Who could do it well enough that one of the most hated people in sports (and one of the most beloved, because that’s how it works) would think you’ve gone too far and stick up for him?

Enter: Merril Hoge, former running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, current ESPN football analyst and 183rd Pokémon. Merril has taken to Twitter and ESPN radio to but Tebow “on full blast”, and while it doesn’t read as the most literate thing in the world, Hoge is a football authority and what he says has some weight behind it. The “Tebow Thing” evolved into a monster of bickering fan support and 100+ retweets, and sometime around Hoge saying Tebow doesn’t “poses [sic] a skill set”, Miami Heat star LeBron James started chiming in. And you don’t need me to tell you that LeBron James “chiming in” usually kills the conversation.

To make the transition from Twitter to Twitter easier for you to read, please enjoy the Tim Tebow Sucks argument through the fingertips of the men who lived it.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here is the first national news story in the life of our future President: 10-year-old Michael Dasher of Rockledge, Florida, said he was fishing with his friends from the side of a canal when he accidentally snagged a six-foot alligator. Now, this is where my national news story would end. There would be a big headline reading “LOCAL OAF CHILD DEVOURED BY WATER BEAST.” Because Dasher is not me, he reacted to a charging SIX FOOT LONG GODDAMN ALLIGATOR by hitting it with sticks and jumping on its back. He then captured the animal like this was some real life episode of Pokémon and dragged it home, suffering only minor scratches. I don’t care how Bieber-esque this kid is, he rules. And I hope he uses the alligator to combat small birds.

Unfortunately, nobody else thinks so.

[Grandfather Benjie] Cox said after he gave Michael a stern talk about what he had done, the [Brevard County Police] officers gave him one, too. He said they told him that if he was older, he would have been arrested and charged with a felony.

Cox said the alligator seemed like it was in bad shape, but wildlife officers said they were planning to release it back into the St. John’s River.

Michael said he learned his lesson and will run if he ever sees another alligator.

Isn’t that just like a parent, missing the forest for the trees? He could’ve at least given him a “whoa, that was awesome, but you could’ve died” instead of badgering him about jail. I bet Gran’pa Benjie would’ve gotten chomped trying to hobble out of that canal. Michael, here’s some actual advice: the next time you see an alligator, put it on a leash and teach it to attack your grandfather and local police.

[via WTSP]