Gross song lyric, Chad.

Links

Nickelback Feels Your Hate And Is Desperately Trying To Win You Over, Internet - “Not making any more music” and “giving me lots of money” are the only two ways I’m going to back Nickelback. [UPROXX]

Grantland Network Podcast: The Masked Man on WWE Survivor Series - David Shoemaker gets a big leagues wrestling podcast, and I’m lucky enough to appear on the first ever episode. Does this mean I’m friends with Bill Simmons by proxy? [Grantland]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/21 - Hey, go read this and comment on it if you haven’t already. It was good this week. Also, that picture of AJ = holy crap. [With Leather]

The NBA Lockout Is Hurting Prostitution - A joke about LeBron James going to the Miami Heat. Also, less a horrible statement about black people and more a horrible statement about rich people. [Smoking Section]

Errol Morris’s JFK Assassination Short: The Umbrella Man - Gates of Heaven is one of my very favorite movies of all time, so I’ll watch anything Errol Morris does, even if it’s about the goddamn Kennedy assassination again. [Film Drunk]

Want Some Amazing Spider-Man Set Photos? - Sure. Are these the ones where Bryce Dallas Howard is suddenly Gwen Stacy again? [Gamma Squad]

Gordon Ramsay’s Sex Advice - Sex advice from the only person in the world I’d like to have sex with less than Guy Fieri. [Warming Glow]

15 Songs You Always Knew, But Never Knew The Names Of - This is a really fun list, but some are too easy. Like I’m not going to know something that was from 2001 AND was Ric Flair’s entrance theme. Also, “Powerhouse” by Raymond Scott (aka “cartoon assembly line music”) needs to be on the list. [Buzzfeed]

And Now, Some Thanksgiving Stuff

The Shocking Truth About Thanksgiving - Like a Dave Barry column written by the Internet. [Adult Swim]

8 Wacky Presidential Turkey Pardon Moments - If I were President, all I’d do is pardon turkeys. We’d go to war and I couldn’t participate because I’m busy printing out all this bullsh*t paperwork about holiday joshing. [The FW]

What Is The Greatest Thanksgiving Movie Of All Time? - My kneejerk response was “Planes, Trains and Automobiles?” and thank God I was right. Great holiday movies should also be great every-other-day movies. [FARK]

Top 10 Reasons Why Thanksgiving Eve Is the Best Bar Night of the Year - I’m sad I didn’t completely Tucker Max my life and get into bar culture, I feel like I’m missing out on a whole avenue of writer sadness. [BroBible]

Thanksgiving Food Pyramid - My personal Thanksgiving food pyramid goes “canned cranberry sauce, Tofurky roast, that one brand of vegan macaroni and cheese that doesn’t taste like somebody barfed on a plastic tray”. [High Definite]

KANA, Sara Del Rey, and my heart somewhere in the middle.

Links

The Wrestling Podcast: Brandon Stroud II - In my second TWP appearance I talk WWE walkout stats, compare Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s ACH to Childish Gambino, discuss how and why we hate Brian Wilson and talk up the importance of fat guys in pro graps. Also, I love those women in the header, and you can sorta tell. [The Wrestling Blog]

Childish Gambino – “All The Shine” - Speaking of, I am excited for “Camp”, and you don’t have to explain the French cinema references. [The Smoking Section]

Remedial Chaos Theory - Speaking of speaking of, last night’s episode of ‘Community’ was incredible, so if you missed it, watch it here. Six times. [NBC]

Surprise, Guy Fieri Is A Total Dick - In the least shocking news of the year, America’s Worst Food Person is anti-Semitic and scared of gay people. I guess the spiked blonde hair and the sunglasses and the bowling shirts and the chain wallets and the throwing up of horns weren’t good enough indicators. [Warming Glow]

Who Voltron’d It Better? - Voltron is one of those things I always hoped would still be available when I became a hot shot movie director. That doesn’t seem to be working out for me, but … uh, anybody on the UPROXX network secretly VP at Sony or something? [Gamma Squad]

The New Muppets Trailer Makes Me Happy - …even if they’ve got to add a bunch of farts to get 2011′s kids to see it. Puppet Dracula from Forgetting Sarah Marshall had better make a cameo in this somewhere. [Filmdrunk]

The 10 Finest Pop Culture Charts From Dan Meth’s Pop Culture Charts Series - That “Trilogy Meter” is so wrong I can’t even begin to explain it. Jurassic Park is only about as good as the original X-Men? Are you on drugs? [UPROXX]

Hot Potato Gallery: Model/Grappler Monique Minton - When I grow up, I want to be a “model/grapper”. [Cage Potato]

Sports Cards For Insane People: Fleer Pro-Visions - Yeah, not going to pretend I have any f**king idea what the hell is going on on these cards. [SBN]

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week/Jeff George Memorial least Of The Week: Week 5 - Easily the best photoshop ever added to the top of an UPROXX Network post. Everything that happens in the NFL should relate to Super Mario Kart in some way. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Last year I spent the 4th of July sitting on a blanket on a hillside in the shadow of the Iwo Jima memorial, watching fireworks explode over D.C. This year I’m in Texas, and drought conditions means all local fireworks have been canceled. I feel it is my constitutional right to watch things explode, and will not post another word until this happens.

Sports

House of Punte Podcast - If you’re too tired to read, click over and listen to my second ever podcast appearance, wherein I talk to Punte about CM Punk, Our Gang, and how much better I am than Larry Brown of Larry Brown Sports. Just kidding on that last one, I’m terrible. And I didn’t talk enough about Our Gang. [House of Punte]

MLB Records at the Halfway Point, and What They Say About Your Team’s Playoff Chances - I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing since two months before the season began and call the Indians the “win-dians” and declare them World Series (and possibly Super Bowl) champs. It’s working so far. [SBN]

The Dugout: Frankruptcy! - If you left the office early on Friday you might’ve missed this Dugout, which is about the Frank McCourt thing but also barely about Frank McCourt. It helps if you know Spanish, and are easily outraged by Spanish language inaccuracies. Also, jokes about Fry Guys. [The Dugout]

Nike Re-Signs Michael Vick - A commenter on my post about Vick winning a BET award said I was misinformed, or “at worst a supporter of heinous crimes” for thinking violence against animals other than dogs was important. Nike has cut out the middle-man and given Vick the equivalent of about 2 billion BET awards. Go troll them instead! [Smoking Section]

Not Sports

Starz Cancels Eva Green’s Boobs - Eva Green should have Paz de la Huerta’s job. Also, here’s my pitch for a new show on Starz (or Showtime or HBO): it’s about America in the time of Eli Whitney, and chronicles the creation of the cotton gin, but also involves mythological monsters and tons of assf**king and stars the most Hispanic women I can find. [Warming Glow]

Jay Pharoah Does the Best (Insert Black Celebrity Here) - I want to be friends with Jay Pharoah just to make him do entire episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for me at parties. You know he can mimic literally anybody on that show, even Ashley. JUST MINE YA BIDNESS, JUST MINE YA BIDNESS etc. [Uproxx]

Review: Transformers Dark Side of the Moon - Here’s my review: I paid to see the first one out of nostalgia and got 2 1/2 hours of crap and like 40 seconds of awesome Starscream. I paid to see the second one based on that, and got robot balls and racist jokes that were probably also about balls. For me twice, won’t get fooled again. [Film Drunk]

Want to Play a New Zelda Game? On Your PC? - I would like to play any Zelda game that comes out within a year of its announcement and doesn’t get pushed back forty times. I still haven’t forgiven them for Twilight Princess. [Gamma Squad]

Sports

It Almost Happened: Michael Jordan to the Clippers - I can’t hear “Jordan to the Clippers? It almost happened!” in anything but Phil Hartman’s Troy McClure voice. I wish this would’ve happened, just so I could’ve see the words GREAT CLIPS in big letters without having to get my hair cut. [Smoking Section]

Punte on The Wrestling Podcast - In case you think I’m turning With Leather into With Spandex (c’mon Uproxx, that’s a money idea), here’s the previous managing editor on TH’s wrestling podcast talking about wrestling. See? I’m not that weird. The best part is when they mention what a great job I’m doing! [The Wrestling Podcast]

Tony Dungy Picture Demands Captions - I was going to run this yesterday, but couldn’t come up with anything more clever than HE GAY. Obviously you want to go the Revenge of the Nerds route here, but I don’t even think Lamar would wear shorts like that. [Kissing Suzy Call-ber]

War Machine is Writing a Book - What’s next, a memoir from US Agent? [Cage Potato]

Cliff Lee’s Spit Capable of Extinguishing Forest Fires - Jon gets to the “super soaker where you had to wear a backpack” reference before I can. Cliff Lee is still my favorite baseball player, and the number three reason why I sort of root for the Phillies (numbers one and two being “Phillie Phanatic” and “my girlfriend” respectively). [SB Nation]

The Dugout: Meet the Daigles - People are telling me this is the “funniest Dugout in years”, and I’m flattered enough to #humblebrag about it here. I think the best names for boys is just nouns. [The Dugout]

Not Sports

Lindsay Lohan is Never Going to Jail For Real For Anything - Lohan escapes further arrest while technically being arrested, and I think she could reanimate and kill the body of Nicole Brown Simpson in front of everybody and still get away with it. And I’m in the minority, I don’t really care about foxy teen Lohan, but LOVE cracked-out, omnisexual, constantly smoking MILF version. [The Superficial]

Midnight in Paris is Bill and Ted for Liberal Arts Majors - Arguably Bill and Ted itself is Bill and Ted for liberal arts majors. Bogus Journey, definitely. Bogus Journey is the best, and if you haven’t watched it in 20 years, go back and do that now. The movie’s climax is FAKE BEARDS. [Film Drunk]

Winklevoss Twins Finally Give Up the Fight with Facebook - Brandon Stroud likes this. In an older joke, they should CGI two Tilas Tequila as the villains for the Myspace movie. [Uproxx]

Tom Hanks No Habla Espanol - His cries of “WILSON!” would’ve been less impactful if the’d been “wheel-SONE!” Tom Hanks is Woody AND Forrest Gump, he can speak whatever language he wants. Colin Hanks, however, should only speak Spanish. [Warming Glow]

Yesterday, we showed you a gallery of Vancouver boobs. Today, we come to find out that “Vancouver boobs” means something completely different. “What!? You beat us at hockey!? Well we’ll show you, come on guys let’s f*ck up our own town!” Burnsy’s going to have a bunch of “Canadians be crazy” photos up in a bit, but I wanted to give you a heads up in case every single thing we write today is about Canada’s miscreant equivalents of Kinger and Schmo.

Also, a hockey game was either won or lost, I can’t tell.

Sports

Latest: Fan Mayhem - Head on over to CTV and check out a video recap of the riots, including a guy with a faux-hawk talking about how the “young boys wanted to go downtown”. The best punishment for these heinous acts: make everyone who rioted move to that upper, barren part of Canada where all they can do for fun is ice fish and die of coldstroke. [CTV]

The Wrestling Podcast - When you’re done, be sure to check out my world podcast debut on TH’s fake fighting weekly. We talk about Japan, puffy Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets, and what you do and don’t expect upon meeting Chris Benoit. Good clean fun for the whole family! [The Wrestling Blog]

Video: ‘Moneyball’ Footage Released In All Its Brad Pittitude - Jon is better at writing little facetious one-act plays than anyone I’ve ever known. Watch the entire video to hear to Douche that Walks Like a Man from Entertainment Tonight barf about how great the movie looks. [SB Nation]

Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel for the NFL Lockout? – Or is it just a freight train comin’ their way, yayyyyy-yeah-heayahhhhh. Okay, that copy reads better if you sing it like James Hetfield. [The Smoking Section]

Not Sports

Video: Cooking Show Money Shots - Is it weird that if I could sleep with any woman in the world, it would probably be a 40-year old with a huge head and a cooking show? The food she cooks doesn’t even look good, what’s wrong with me? [Warming Glow]

Commando Reboot Has Great Script, Says Liar - I think “a great script” or “a really great script” is Hollywood code for “I agreed to do this for money but can’t say that.” I remember Sean William Scott going on talk shows talking about how he was NEVER gonna return for an American Pie 3, but American Wedding just had “such a great script”. Yeah, that script was fantastic, Sean William. [Film Drunk]

The Avengers Poster - I’m happy to say Hollywood’s first Ultimate Team-Up movie features my all-time pet peeve from comics – a character jump kicking nothing as they’re falling from a great height. What are you kicking, Black Widow? It can’t be important, Iron Man isn’t even looking at it. [Gamma Squad]

Zach Galifianakis and Fiona Apple are Friends - …and I want to go over to their house and hang out with them forever. Screw you, Tosh, “Never is a Promise” is an awesome song. Except for that last part where she goes “mmm mmm mmmmm” and almost ruins it. But awesome nonetheless! [Uproxx]