My evening unfolded almost exactly as I predicted last night, from the bunny playing piano to the cat tipping his hat, but how I handled that much LSD in one night is still a mystery to me. Regardless, our brackets are filled out and the games are about to begin, so I figured we could run down today’s schedule with the help of the wonderful ladies at Playboy, who, when not being shunned from society by Darren Rovell, are actually quite the NCAA Tournament experts in their own rights.
Okay, maybe I’m using the term “experts” a little loosely, but I’m still pretty impressed that these women could take the time out of their busy schedules of ignoring me to compete against each other in the 2013 Playboy Bracket Challenge. Fans and bros were able to fill out their brackets on the (obviously not-necessarily-SFW website) and compete against some of their favorite Playmates, including Kari Nautique, Nikki Leigh, the wonderful Chloe Miranda, and recent mom Jaime Edmondson, among others.
The biggest missing piece, though, is Ciara Price, but I think the restraining order may just completely block her from my computer. Haha, she’s such a kidder. Anyway, today’s remaining schedule is after the jump, as well as some special Playboy NCAA Tournament cards featuring Nikki Leigh, and serve no purpose other than to make me like Ohio State and Florida for once.
With UFC 157 just a few days away, I’m sure we’re all on the edge of our bean bag chairs to see if UFC’s first ever women’s champion Ronda Rousey and her UFC debut opponent Liz Carmouche can live up to the hype and provide us with an exciting main event. Of course, there are other great fights on the UFC 157 card – including Chiesa-Kuivanen, Koscheck-Lawler, and, of course, Machida-Henderson – but with Rousey there is always an elevated buzz, because let’s face it – she’s very nice to look at.
But don’t go calling Rousey a sex symbol just yet, because there’s a good chance she might break your jaw. She doesn’t like being a sex symbol, and you can bring up that ESPN Body Issue all you want, but that was about as self-promotion and MMA marketing as it was sex. It’s not like she’s shaving down there for Playboy or peeing on a shower floor for Penthouse.
Well, hello friends. Welcome back to this week’s running series of the actual, honest to Jesus Twitter accounts that you should be following. This isn’t butt-kissing with buzz words, as much as it’s our tight-knit little family trying to help make your social media experience more fulfilling. So far, my good friends Bobby Big Wheel and Danger Guerrero have filled you in on the Twitter accounts that mean so much to them, and now I’m going to school you on the Playboy Playmates that I’d like watch golf with.
I’m a huge golf fan, and I love playing. I also love Playboy. In fact, on a few occasions, I’ve contemplated entering one of the Playboy Golf events and putting on a little exhibition with my Sasquatch for the ladies. But the problem is that I suck at golf, and I’d just end up embarrassing myself. So I figured the solution to that is that I’d just watch golf with some Playmates and wow them with my knowledge, because chances are they don’t like golf, and they’d be like, “Wow, Burnsy, you’re like the king of golf.”
So here, in no particular order, are 25 Playboy Playmates and models that are fun to follow on Twitter and are now invited to come watch golf with me.
Back when I was the editor of my student newspaper in college, I drew the ire and attention of the local chapter of the National Organization of Women after I wrote a harmless entertainment editorial about how the James Bond franchise should be celebrated for creating empowering characters in the Bond girls. Of course, the male president of this NOW chapter (*rolls eyes*) argued that Bond girls were objectified sluts, but it taught me an important lesson that if you take a stance regarding women and their looks, you’re going to piss people off.
And the point of this edition of “Cool Story, Bro” is that nobody ever taught CNBC reporter Darren Rovell that lesson, because on Saturday night, the self-proclaimed “Twitter police” had the balls to Tweet the following from the Playboy Super Bowl party:
Obviously, if you’re familiar with Rovell’s work, he likes to play with numbers, throw around statistics about money and impose his will on anyone who listens. He needs us all to know that he’s in charge and we’re just the pooper scoopers of his Twitter elephant. There isn’t really a big problem with that Tweet, as there just weren’t enough ladies for his liking, so he vented a little. Then he vented a lot.
The Best Of #Sterling Archer Kicks Off UPROXX Archer Week -Yuuuuuuuup. [UPROXX]
5 Elseworlds Comics That Should Be Made Into Video Games - Steampunk everything! Or, I want a game where I’m Ma and Pa Kent and I have to drive around avoiding nails. [Gamma Squad]
Quentin Tarantino’s Top 11 Films of 2011 - I’m not sure I want to live in a world where one of our best filmmakers thinks Hugo and Green Lantern are on the same level. I don’t want to hear Kurosawa nudge somebody and say “hey, I liked 12 Angry Men, but I also liked Plan 9“. [Film Drunk]
The Reasons Louis C.K. Will Never Host the Golden Globes Are Exactly Why He Should Host the Golden Globes - I’m not sure how Ricky Gervais settled into his weird role of guy Hollywood hates but approves of, and why The Average White Guy We All Agree On couldn’t just slide right into it. [Warming Glow]
Apple iPad 3 Reportedly Releasing March 2012 - Hello, Apple thing Destiny wants. Goodbye, 700 more dollars. [Smoking Section]
Ever Wondered What It Would Look Like If A Bunch Of Playboy Playmates Tebowed? - In case you missed this yesterday, Burnsy accomplished one of my career goals: getting Holly Madison’s entire side boob on With Leather’s main page. New career goal: get it in my house. [With Leather]
Stephen Colbert Runs First Presidential Campaign Ad, Accuses Mitt Romney Of Being A Serial Killer - It’s an easy joke, but he’s at least as qualified for this as the people actually running, and he’d do something wacky like legalize pot without doing something wacky like racism. [UPROXX]
25 People Who Think MLK Day Is Milk Day - At least they aren’t Virginia, trying to shoehorn in two Confederate guys so we celebrate “Lee Jackson King” day. A girl I went to high school with once asked me, “who’s Lee Jackson King?” True, sad story. [Buzzfeed]
13 Artists Have Extraordinarily Bad Luck - Schleprock had better be on here somewhere. [Popcrush]
The 20 Biggest Second Week Drops in Box Office History* - Low budget horror films are like cinematic dubstep. [Pajiba]
What Is This Awkwardly Smiling Guy Doing with Mila Kunis? - It must be awful to be Mila Kunis right now. Sure, you’re rich and popular and beautiful, but Jesus, every other moment of your life is somebody standing next to you, smiling like this. The horror. [Brobible]
Trolling Election Billboards - Mitt Romney’s slogan should be “FOR I AM MITT ROMNEY, YOU SEE!” It’d be better than whatever TOGETHER FOR AMERICA bullsh*t he’d come up with otherwise. [High Definite]
When it comes to Playboy Magazine, I look at it a lot like “Saturday Night Live.” Both are iconic institutions that have created sources of inspiration for many people over the last three decades or more, and both were revolutionary at their respective times of inception. On the other hand, they’ve both been running on fumes creatively for roughly the last 10 years or so, as they’ve surrendered to the status quo instead of constantly trying to raise the bar, as any source of creativity and imagination should.
And while both are criticized immensely for their lack of effort and uninspired retreads, Playboy at least has boobies, and that’s why we’re here today. Despite Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos being on the wrong end of a 45-10 annihilation against the New England Patriots on Saturday, people still love them some Tebow, and that includes a bunch of Playboy Playmates, who spent last week Tweeting pictures of themselves Tebowing. Despite their best, incredibly sexy efforts, Tebow did not succumb to their seductive ways as he continues to save himself for the virginal Katy Perry.
On a sadder note, with the playoffs over for the Broncos, so ends the excitement that we’ve had with Tebowmania. Frankly, I’m a little exhausted from the whole thing, so unless some actual news suddenly breaks out, we’re gonna take a little break from discussing everything Tebow after today. At least for a day until I remember how awesome his name is for web traffic. Until then, bring on the sexy ladies!