Former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress accepted a plea deal that will see him serve two years in jail for discharging a handgun within New York City limits nine months earlier.

Burress – who caught the game-winning touchdown in the Giants’ 2008 Super Bowl win over the Patriots – testified before a grand jury last month in a “Hail Mary” attempt to beat the rap.

But he was instead indicted him on two counts of weapons possession and reckless endangerment. The 6-foot-5 Burress had faced 3 1/2 to 15 years if convicted. via.

The only thing Burress will be catching in jail is…well, you can guess where I was going with that. But this preseason has sorted out most of the off-field issues rather nicely–Vick has been signed, Favre Watch is over, Stallworth was sent to jail…Stallworth got out of jail, and now Plax will have two years to think about the faux pas of wearing sweatpants out in public. All we need now is another barrage of Peyton Manning commercials and I do believe I’ll be ready for some football.

When I called Michael Vick the black Brett Favre last week, I was speaking (perhaps crudely) to the nature of his future–short on clues but long on speculation as to where his professional football career might resume (I’m still pulling for the UFL and then the CFL in 2010). But anyway, the monolith brought us footage of Vick throwing with Landstown High School in Virginia Beach; where his old high school coach currently works. But with the lack of NFL interest, it won’t be a question of “Will he or won’t he?” But rather, “Will they?

Other NFL news: Plaxico Burress was finally indicted by the grand jury and he’s almost certainly doing jail time now. And while you could argue that the system was out to get him, I’d say that it wasn’t Bloomberg that reached into his sweats and shot Burress in the leg. No, that wasn’t a euphemism…Chargers DB Antonio Cromartie was fined for tweeting about how bad the food was, comparing it to the team’s performance in the postseason, as confirmed by his agent.

Agent Gary Wichard said Tuesday that he had seen a paraphrased version of the offending tweet, and added that he is a staunch anti-tweeter.

Staunch, I say! But honestly, there’s nothing worse than no food at camp. Except for maybe no girls. And no booze. Wow, no wonder everyone hates training camp. I think I’d last about ten minutes in the NFL.

With the signing of Tank Johnson and Leon Hall’s DUI, the Bengals have sent a message to the entire league. And that message is, “We haven’t learned a damn thing since 2006,” which is when the felony-laden franchise should have picked up Johnson to begin with. That would have given them, what, 15 Johnsons on that 2007 team?

But as my dead grandmother would say, one must strike while the iron is hot, and with the recent release of Plaxico Burress, the time to strike is now. Who else could provide Carson Palmer with another weapon, add another felony to the team’s ledger, and give Ocho Cinco a run for “Biggest Prick in the Queen City?” And all at once?

I don’t get it. The Miami Hurricanes of the 90s had all kinds of criminals and they beat the crap out of everybody they played. It’s obvious what the Bengals need — more criminals. Plaxico is what they need, now more than ever. Has an entire team ever gone to the playoffs and the federal grand jury in the same season? It’s time they did.

So Jay Cutler, upset about the fact that the Broncos were planning to trade him, is now asking for the Broncos to plan on trading him. I’m sure if I was some emo kid from Vanderbilt that such logic would make perfect sense to me. And nobody knows where Culter will end up; Everybody wants Cutler, it seems, except the Broncos. I wouldn’t rule out former Bucs coach Jon Gruden buying Cutler’s contract outright and just having him do chores around the Gruden house. He’s got a thing for quarterbacks.

In Long Island, police are investigating the deaths of two African immigrants that were found shot in the head in the condo of linebacker Jonathan Vilma. At first, you read that and you think, wow, Vilma must really hate black people, but then you realize that Vilma himself is black, and that whole theory just falls apart. This is why I’m not a cop. If it’s true that those guys were killed because of an internet scam, I don’t see how any jury in American could convict the killer. Those spammers can lick my taint.

And Plaxico Burress asked for and received a postponement in his gun trial yesterday. Jail time is looking more imminent as plea bargaining continues. Can’t be any worse than Coughlin’s minicamp!

New details about the evening Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg have emerged, and if you were betting that Plax and teammates Antonio Pierce and Ahmad Bradshaw began the evening at the Metropolitan Opera, well, bad news.  Turns out the trio actually started the night — shockingly — at Head Quarters strip club, where they helped themselves to the employees’ food while Plax acted like a cheap slob.

Burress, 31, already was known at the club for being a “cheap,” customer, and “very rude, conceited, full of himself,” sources said.

“He’s the most unpopular celebrity that’s been there,” said another source, adding he routinely paid strippers the minimum $20 for lap dances, in contrast to other big-name customers, who fork over as much as $200 [No lap dance is worth $200 - Ed.]…

They went upstairs, where club workers were enjoying dinner, and soon began drinking what ended up being two bottles of Patron tequila, which they were not charged for, sources said. Pierce, 30, went over to the workers’ table, where he sliced off several pieces of turkey, which Burress then scooped up with his hands and crammed into his mouth, sources said…

This is pretty enlightening about the pro athlete experience.  They just walk around wherever they want in the strip club.  Upstairs, backstage, wherever.  Help themselves to food and booze without paying like they own the place.  Meanwhile, hardworking guys like me have to tip the champagne room bouncer to look the other way just to put an ether-soaked rag over a girl’s face.  It’s just not fair.

Meanwhile, back in Gotham , New York City mayor and former presidential non-candidate Michael Bloomberg is nearly losing his mind trying to get Plaxico Burress in jail, as illegally carrying a loaded handgun carries a mandatory 42-month prison sentence if convicted. The hospital that treated Plaxico suspended the employee responsible for not reporting the gunshot wound (as required by law), and has launched its own investigation. But the mayor isn’t satisfied; in fact, he’s also doling out blame to the Giants organization:

[...]Bloomberg also complained that the Giants “should have picked up the phone right away as good corporate citizens. I don’t care whether there’s a legal responsibility for them to do it. They are a team that is here in this region. I know they’re in New Jersey, but it’s the New York Giants, and they have a responsibility as a team that depends on the public and wants to be role models to the public.”

Good corporate citizens don’t really exist, except in fairy tales about corporations. You know, the story of Cinderella was orignally about a third-shift cleaning lady that got plowed in the copy room and then went on to become CEO of the company in that buiding. Man, those corporate Chistmas parties are networking gold mines if you play your cards right.

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