Michael Vick wants the Philadelphia Eagles to sign Plaxico Burress. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that Burress doesn’t get out of prison, where he’s been since 2009 for shooting himself in the leg with a handgun at a nightclub, until the first week of June. Apparently football exists in this heightened reality where you can go to prison and come out with “options like any other free agent.” In an interview with Anthony Gargano and Ike Reese on WIP in Philadelphia, Vick says he’d like to add Burress to the squad, then take on the Pittsburgh Steelers, who have all gotten jobs as prison guards.

“Absolutely it would be a great addition for our team. I think with the guys we have now I think we can fit him in and make it work. Obviously the ultimate goal at the end of the day is to put that ring on your finger at the end of the year.

“I think certainly Plaxico is going to come out with a chip on his shoulder the same way I did and he’ll go out and help this football team to whatever capacity he can. I think the guys would be willing to embrace him and bring him in. If that happens? Who knows? We talking about “what ifs” now? It would certainly be a good thing.”

I feel like if I spent a couple of years in prison, I would come out humble and kind of anxious, not with a chip on my shoulder, but what do I know, I wear my hat with the bill in front. To put things into perspective (in case you still think Vick is a normal guy who “realizes his mistakes”), the interview also features Vick saying he didn’t get a second Madden cover because God doesn’t want him to have “everything all at once.”

You can listen to the interview here. While you’re doing that, I’m going to send Vick an e-mail (care of his life coach) with some insider information about the availability of O.J. Simpson (note: he is not available).

[H/T Off the Bench]

*…presuming that anyone else is.

Former NFL wideout and current guest of the city of New York Plaxico Burress is making plans, yo. Drew Rosenhaus, Plax’s agent, has already declared that Burress will be making plans to return to the NFL upon his release from Rikers Island in June. Burress was sentenced to two years in jail after an accidental discharge in a Manhattan nightclub. Firearm discharge. Pervert.

“I’m not a big advocate of making predictions on teams because so much can change,” Drew Rosenhaus told Josina Anderson on Showtime’s Inside the NFL. “But I am not afraid to make the following prediction: Plaxico Burress will be playing in 2011, and he will play very well. And it will be a very happy ending to a very tough, tough story for him.”

–PFT.

And this is where I would make a Shawshank Redemption reference, but I’ve never seen the movie all the way through. I caught the last 20 minutes or so when Tim Robbins crawled through the poop tube and then wound up on a beach, and Morgan Freeman was nice enough to not mention that he smelled like poop. Robbins must have a thing for feces; how else do you explain Susan Sarandon?

Former Giants wideout and current guest of the State of New York Plaxico Burress was denied a work-release application, one which would have allowed him to suit up for the 2010 season. I have a feeling that he’ll still catch a lot of balls this year. In the face.

In a statement, the [Department of Correctional Services] said that Burress’s prison record to this point is “satisfactory” but includes one misbehavior report, leading to today’s Plaxico Burress Prison Fun Fact: He reportedly lost his recreation privileges for a month after lying to a guard to gain access to a pay phone.) He’s scheduled for a conditional release on June 6, 2011 — he can’t reapply for work release until that date, either.

–New York Mag.

Burress was released by the Giants last April, and therefore would have had to be signed for any chance to play. Sucks to be him, though I can’t really find any sympathy for a guy that discharges a firearm in a public place. At least a got a good fantasy team name out of it; “Bulletproof Sweatpants” really need to have a good season this year. Gilbert Arenas should be grateful that he didn’t play for the Knicks.

For those of you hoping for a Plaxico fix, I’ve got you covered after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Plaxico Burress, that guy who caught the game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, is acting up in jail. He lied to a prison guard, and now he’s no longer allowed to go outside. I thought that’s what jail was…

The former receiver, now in the protective-custody wing of the Oneida Correctional Facility, was slapped with a violation on Nov. 6, 2009, after he told a guard he had permission to phone his attorney, according to his disciplinary report.

The guard believed Burress, who was allowed to have his own cell, and let him make a call. In addition to losing recreation privileges, he was barred from using the phone for seven days. –NY Post.

Whoa whoa whoa, these guys are getting cell phones now? Can they use the internet? Because that would make jail awesome. It would be like a gay resort where one could be violently sodomized against one’s will. Actually, jail doesn’t sound so hot after all. Not when I can stay in mom’s basement rent-free.

Former NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress began his two-year prison sentence after surrendering himself to New York authorities this morning.

Defense lawyer Benjamin Brafton said, “This is a very real tragic case in many, many ways.” He called Burress “a fundamentally decent man.”

Burress, who caught the winning touchdown for the Giants over the previously undefeated New England Patriots in the final minute of the 2008 Super Bowl, and former teammate Antonio Pierce were at the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan last November when a gun tucked into Burress’ waistband slipped down his leg and fired, wounding him.via.

I really don’t understand where all the sympathy for Burress is coming from: he carried a concealed weapon into New York City limits and carelessly discharged it. His defense team fruitlessly procrastinated in hopes of getting a deal that everyone knew wasn’t coming. Yeah, it’s sad–and possibly pointless–that Burress will be taking up a space in jail that could be better served for some rapist or murderer or whatever other criminal caricature meets your fancy. But he did the crime. And he’ll be paying a price to the state that only seems extraordinary because he had so much to lose.

While former New York Giants wideout Plaxico Burress has received forgiveness for the person he shot in the leg in a New York City nightclub–himself. Now his legal team is trying to win forgiveness from the state for Michigan State product.

The statistics demonstrate the laws of New York aren’t always evenly applied. Burress was charged with second-degree gun possession, which requires a minimum of 3½ years in jail. Yet prosecutors in your state, Mr. Paterson, commonly drop the charges to third-degree possession, which doesn’t carry a minimum prison sentence.

This discretion, as several media reports and legal analysts have stated, allows prosecutors far too much leeway in deciding who is worthy of a reduced charge and who is not. –Mike Freeman.

It’s helps Plaxico’s cause that New York state governor David Paterson is incredibly unpopular right now, and wouldn’t lose much in terms of public support if he were to give Burress a pass. But screw that. Everyone seems irritated that Plaxico seems to have been held to a higher standard in this case. That’s a convenient mindset since Plaxico was also his own victim. If he had handled his firearm a little less poorly–say, aimed at another patron in the club–I doubt those sympathies would exist. Besides, he should do at least six months for wearing sweatpants to a club.