I once thought that a great idea for a magazine would be Haters – “The publication devoted to people who hate sh*t.” It was my billion dollar idea until I learned that things take effort and I hate that sh*t. But lately I’ve realized that my idea would have just been a knock off of the magazine that already has hate down pat – Forbes.

When it’s not busy hating people who don’t have money, Forbes is going out of its way to compile lists of people and things that we all hate. This week, it’s the annual list of the Most Hated Athletes in America. Sure, they call it the Most Disliked Athletes, but read between the capitalist lines, amigos.

So who, pray tell, are the most heinous and villainous prick athletes in all of the land, Forbes?

1) (Tie) Michael Vick and Tiger Woods – 60%
2) Plaxico Burress – 56%
3) Ndamukong Suh – 51%
4) Kris Humphries – 50%
5) LeBron James – 48%
6) (Tie) Kobe Bryant and Terrell Owens – 45%
7) Alex Rodriguez – 44%
8) Kurt Busch – 42%

Suh and Humphries are the newcomers, while James and Rodriguez have slipped a little. Obviously, they need to stop being all good and stuff and go out there and start kicking some puppies, stomping heads and/or dating Kardashians or else they may fall completely out of the Top 10, and even worse – they could be liked.

But let’s focus on Vick, who has tried very hard over the past two seasons to excel on the field so people will stop remembering him as that guy who electrocuted Fido. It might be time to hire a new PR firm, Mike.

Vick, who has led a lot of these lists over the past couple of years, continues to struggle with casual NFL fans who know him mainly for his dog fighting legal mess, even as close followers of the sport love him. Vick’s high awareness number (42%) suggests he’s a known quantity outside the hardcore NFL crowd. “His awareness is up there with Peyton Manning, but a lot of it is people knowing him for the wrong reasons,” says Stephen Master, VP of Sports for Nielsen.

It’s obvious that Forbes and Nielsen need to create the first ever Hate Hall of Fame and retire Vick from these rankings already. It’s not fair to Suh and Humphries, who, while on this list for entirely different reasons, have tried so damn hard to make people loathe their idiocy. It’s time for a new guard, people. I hate this redundant sh*t.

"Haha, I'm toally gonna stay in school."

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

Speaking of suck...

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-6) – The most successful Colts player of the past few weeks has been Pierre Garcon, which made it all the more humorous that his fumble cost them a win against the Cincinnati Bengals. Well played, Colts.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-5) – If you honestly believe that the Dolphins are losing on purpose, I’m not going to try to change your minds. But I will guarantee that if they are trying to lose on purpose, they’re going to f*ck it up. This team will still win 3 games and draft an offensive lineman.

3) St. Louis Rams (0-5) – They traded for Brandon Lloyd, which is a big addition since apparently only Josh McDaniels can get him to perform, and the Rams also get Mark Clayton back from the PUP next week. But now Sam Bradford has a high ankle sprain. In a perfect world, the Rams lose every game and trade the top pick for the Dolphins’ entire draft, while the Colts draft another worthless RB.

4) Denver Broncos (1-4) – The fun thing about the Dolphins and Broncos playing each other this week is that one team is going to be humiliated. It doesn’t help the Dolphins’ cause that they are honoring Tim Tebow at halftime as part of the national champion Florida Gators team from however many years ago, because the team can’t sell tickets any other way. Amazing how they’re just giving away home field advantage.

5) Minnesota Vikings (1-5) – Christian Ponder, who most experts called the most NFL-ready QB of this past draft, made his Vikings debut on Sunday because Donovan McNabb is awful. Too bad the Vikings never bothered to get one of those, um, what are they called? You know, those guys with the hands who catch balls? Ah yes, receivers.

"Hey Plaxico, YOU SUCK!"

We’re all a little bit better off when we have more Joe Namath in our lives, so it’s great that he sat down with ESPN New York the other day to talk about the one thing that he knows better than anything else – hot skank poonany the New York Jets passing game. The Jets’ offense clearly looks different from last season, as they replaced Braylon Edwards and Jerricho Cotchery with Plaxico Burress and Derrick Mason. While they may be a little older, they sure cut down on the “Whoops, gotta hold on to that” department.

But Namath isn’t so sure about Burress’ status, as he seems to think that his time in the clink and away from the field is going to be damaging to his success this season.

“When I see Burress, certainly in the past, and Edwards, their route running and adjusting, I didn’t like it — and I still don’t. I’ll be surprised if Burress and Sanchez click well, and I’ll be even more surprised if Burress, after being laid off for two years and change, is going to make it through the season.”

Easy now, Broadway Joe. We’re talking about a man who shot himself in the leg and had the benefit of top notch prison rehabilitation and training. You’re worried about his ankles and feet? I’m worried about some young defender putting a cheap hit on Burress and him retaliating in the shower after the game. I’m worried about him filling the Gatorade cooler with toilet wine.

Besides, you know that Rex Ryan has every player’s ankles and feet as his top priority.

So we’re back to football. Almost.

The NFL players’ association have agreed to the terms that the owners set forth in their CBA proposal from Friday. While the rank-and-file players still have to approve the 10-year agreement in a vote later today, there is strong indication that they will, and that the NFL lockout will end later today after 136 days.

The goal is for the NFLPA to present the completed document to its 13-man executive committee between 11 a.m. to noon ET on Monday, with a vote to follow. Some members of the executive committee aren’t expected to arrive in D.C. until the 11 o’clock hour. The player rep call will include a briefing of the deal and, in particular, changes since last Wednesday’s meeting.

The player reps would then vote on the deal. After that, the 10 plaintiffs in the Brady et al v. the National Football League et al lawsuit would have to sign off, which is fully expected.

At this point, what remains is “a few small points” in the language, according to a source.

–NFL.com

Tomorrow, rookies would be able to sign, players could be traded, and free agents would be allowed to negotiate with teams, but those players won’t be able to sign before Friday. The more interesting wrinkle of the current proposal is that all NFL teams would have to spend 99 percent of the cash in their available salary cap (which will be about $120 million). While some teams will struggle to get under that number, that’s big for teams like Cincinnati and Tampa Bay, who some people expect to find themselves at $50 million below that number or more. Hell, with $50 million, the Bengals could sign Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Casey Anthony and still have cap room left to buy Plaxico Burress a new pair of sweatpants.

Dungy hopes that NFL teams will take a chance on Burress. He feels that Burress will no longer take anything for granted and will make better decisions.

“I’ve been with Mike (Vick) and I’ve seen how kids flock to him, and I think we’ll see the same thing with Plaxico,” Dungy said.

That was the punchline of today’s Plaxico Burress press conference, wherein the National Urban League promised a “major announcement” and delivered Plaxico saying he was partnering with the National Urban League (cough) and the Brady Center to combat gun violence. I’m glad urban youths now have a strong role model to keep them from putting a gun in their sweatpants, going to a club and accidentally gun violencing themselves in the leg.

Plaxico’s announcement might as well have been labeled “Now That’s What I Call a Disgraced Athlete, Volume 1″, including chart topping hits like “I want to see every child succeed”, “I can make a difference”, and “Magic Johnson is going to mentor me and keep me from making any more bad decisions”. Well, okay, that last one wasn’t a hit (and didn’t really make sense if you listened to the lyrics), but Magic and NBC analyst (and nothing else) Tony Dungy were present to thumbs-up their mentorship. Dungy added, “Lol I ran after his car as he was leaving jail.”

So, will this make Plaxico look more appealing to NFL teams? Would you rather your kid learn not to shoot people from a guy who has never shot anyone, or has shot someone (“Himself” counts as someone) but is famous? We want to hear your opinion, so let us know what you think in our comments section. Or just lean out of your window and shout it at passersby, and I guess eventually I will hear about it.

I can’t claim to know a lot about women’s mixed martial arts (except that as a sport, it is arguably creepier to enjoy than joshi), but Gina Carano always seems caught between fighting legitimacy and Anna Kournikovafication, where she’s a naturally gifted athlete but people don’t really care if she wins or not as long as she’s around, because her torso is (was?) amazing to look at. She really did have an amazing torso. I could picture myself battling Shadows of the Colossus on that thing.

Sports

Gina Carano Had Medical Clearance, Pulled Out Anyway - As the comments suggest, “having no chance of making weight” is now a medical condition. I think Gina should just fight super lady heavyweights at whatever weight she is, because she’s still cute, and I’d like to see her Fedor a bunch of giants. [Cage Potato]

‘Plaxico! Oh, How I Missed You!’ - I think writing about Plaxico makes you a racist. It does, I can’t bring myself to do it anymore. I type “Plaxico” and before I’ve even published, somebody is logging a furious comment about how I think “thugs” are ruining sports. I’m just gonna write some more about Tom Brady. [KSK]

The Best Of The Annual Oklahoma D-Day Paintball Games - If you enjoyed the paintball episode of “Community”, this is a great look at how crazy real live paintball wars can be. Make it through the Apocalypse Now-looking people at the beginning and get to those awesome paint clouds. [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 6/6 - Speaking of creepy things to enjoy, be sure to catch this week’s Best and Worst, wherein I praise a black guy for wearing a Confederate army uniform. Also, I’ve been watching that gif of Kelly Kelly for like 20 hours. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Do you try to eat healthy? You might have an eating disorder - Great, I thought being a vegan was a SOLUTION to my eating disorders. Oh well. To celebrate my descent into ED madness, here’s a picture of one of my favorite hot vegans, Drew McIntyre’s allegedly crazy ex-wife “Tiffany.” [Fark]

The 100 Funniest Brits - This is also a pretty solid list for the 100 Ugliest Brits. Thankfully this is in no particular order, so I don’t have to get pissed about Eddie Izzard and Ali G being less funny than Emma f**king Thompson. [Buzzfeed]

Six Panels Of Penny Arcade Get Movie Deal - Just great. Maybe now we can finally greenlight that “A Softer World” movie, which is just a still photo of someone smoking zoomed in three times with some vague, hipster narration. Here, I’ll write one right now. “I thought you said to wait for you. But here I’m waiting. Until tomorrow.” That’s a trilogy. [Gamma Squad]

Facebook Fail-Log: June Edition - I should’ve contributed any and all Facebook-related conversations that sprung from my Joe Rogan post last week. I’ve never seen so many people try to make a point, then ruin it by trying to shoehorn in a funny “cunt” at the end. [Uproxx]

Michael Vick wants the Philadelphia Eagles to sign Plaxico Burress. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that Burress doesn’t get out of prison, where he’s been since 2009 for shooting himself in the leg with a handgun at a nightclub, until the first week of June. Apparently football exists in this heightened reality where you can go to prison and come out with “options like any other free agent.” In an interview with Anthony Gargano and Ike Reese on WIP in Philadelphia, Vick says he’d like to add Burress to the squad, then take on the Pittsburgh Steelers, who have all gotten jobs as prison guards.

“Absolutely it would be a great addition for our team. I think with the guys we have now I think we can fit him in and make it work. Obviously the ultimate goal at the end of the day is to put that ring on your finger at the end of the year.

“I think certainly Plaxico is going to come out with a chip on his shoulder the same way I did and he’ll go out and help this football team to whatever capacity he can. I think the guys would be willing to embrace him and bring him in. If that happens? Who knows? We talking about “what ifs” now? It would certainly be a good thing.”

I feel like if I spent a couple of years in prison, I would come out humble and kind of anxious, not with a chip on my shoulder, but what do I know, I wear my hat with the bill in front. To put things into perspective (in case you still think Vick is a normal guy who “realizes his mistakes”), the interview also features Vick saying he didn’t get a second Madden cover because God doesn’t want him to have “everything all at once.”

You can listen to the interview here. While you’re doing that, I’m going to send Vick an e-mail (care of his life coach) with some insider information about the availability of O.J. Simpson (note: he is not available).

[H/T Off the Bench]

*…presuming that anyone else is.

Former NFL wideout and current guest of the city of New York Plaxico Burress is making plans, yo. Drew Rosenhaus, Plax’s agent, has already declared that Burress will be making plans to return to the NFL upon his release from Rikers Island in June. Burress was sentenced to two years in jail after an accidental discharge in a Manhattan nightclub. Firearm discharge. Pervert.

“I’m not a big advocate of making predictions on teams because so much can change,” Drew Rosenhaus told Josina Anderson on Showtime’s Inside the NFL. “But I am not afraid to make the following prediction: Plaxico Burress will be playing in 2011, and he will play very well. And it will be a very happy ending to a very tough, tough story for him.”

–PFT.

And this is where I would make a Shawshank Redemption reference, but I’ve never seen the movie all the way through. I caught the last 20 minutes or so when Tim Robbins crawled through the poop tube and then wound up on a beach, and Morgan Freeman was nice enough to not mention that he smelled like poop. Robbins must have a thing for feces; how else do you explain Susan Sarandon?

Former Giants wideout and current guest of the State of New York Plaxico Burress was denied a work-release application, one which would have allowed him to suit up for the 2010 season. I have a feeling that he’ll still catch a lot of balls this year. In the face.

In a statement, the [Department of Correctional Services] said that Burress’s prison record to this point is “satisfactory” but includes one misbehavior report, leading to today’s Plaxico Burress Prison Fun Fact: He reportedly lost his recreation privileges for a month after lying to a guard to gain access to a pay phone.) He’s scheduled for a conditional release on June 6, 2011 — he can’t reapply for work release until that date, either.

–New York Mag.

Burress was released by the Giants last April, and therefore would have had to be signed for any chance to play. Sucks to be him, though I can’t really find any sympathy for a guy that discharges a firearm in a public place. At least a got a good fantasy team name out of it; “Bulletproof Sweatpants” really need to have a good season this year. Gilbert Arenas should be grateful that he didn’t play for the Knicks.

For those of you hoping for a Plaxico fix, I’ve got you covered after the jump.

Plaxico Burress, that guy who caught the game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, is acting up in jail. He lied to a prison guard, and now he’s no longer allowed to go outside. I thought that’s what jail was…

The former receiver, now in the protective-custody wing of the Oneida Correctional Facility, was slapped with a violation on Nov. 6, 2009, after he told a guard he had permission to phone his attorney, according to his disciplinary report.

The guard believed Burress, who was allowed to have his own cell, and let him make a call. In addition to losing recreation privileges, he was barred from using the phone for seven days. –NY Post.

Whoa whoa whoa, these guys are getting cell phones now? Can they use the internet? Because that would make jail awesome. It would be like a gay resort where one could be violently sodomized against one’s will. Actually, jail doesn’t sound so hot after all. Not when I can stay in mom’s basement rent-free.