"High five for 100,000 volts!"

On Saturday, the Pittsburgh Pirates lost to the Colorado Rockies 6-4 to drop their record to 5-4, giving Pirates fans only one day left in the 2011 season to enjoy being above .500. But the Bucs fans jumped out to an early lead in the Best Drunken Tazings competition, thanks to the Stone Cold Steve Austin lookalike in the video below. Erik from Counting Baseballs caught the footage of a drunken fan in a sweet USA Olympic jacket shoving an usher as he was being escorted from his seats by Pittsburgh’s finest. The elbow led to the police using a Tazer on the unruly fan, and when that didn’t work, it became night stick time. Meanwhile, the crowd chanted, “U-S-A!” and for one night, Philadelphia had lost its crown as the batsh*ttiest sports town in Pennsylvania.

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Barry Bonds is on trial for perjury in one of the biggest sports story of the year (and of the last two years, and of the next three). Bonds played for the Pirates for a while, so unless you really want to read comedy based around “we signed some young prospects, and they’re hitting like .250 in single-A, so we’re just gonna wait and see how that turns out” you’ll have to take this as your Spring Training Dugout.

The truth about Bonds is similar to the truth about Clemens. I think they both knew what they were doing, but are so delusional after decades of being deified and conversely judged that they can’t ever truly or morally understand what they’re doing. I think Barry Bonds is the type of guy who goes to the bathroom, comes out, washes his hands, takes five steps down the hall and starts wondering whether or not he needs to go to the bathroom. He can just also hit 7,000 home runs.

Today’s Dugout follows. Your comments are appreciated, as long as they aren’t in the third person. Brandon Stroud hates comments in the third person.

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Walt Disney Pictures is bringing the story of Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel to the big screen… I know, right! I’m super excited, you guys!

Singh and Patel, as you all know, are the two Indian cricket pitchers who were the finalists on the 2008 reality TV show Million Dollar Arm, which was created by agent J.B. Bernstein. After they tried out for 20 Major League Baseball scouts, they were both signed to contracts by the Pittsburgh Pirates and they have since embarked on majestic careers, each winning a Cy Young while the Pirates won back-to-back World Series. Actually, Singh has been in Single A and Patel was released in November, and the Pirates are the worst sports franchise ever.

So how did Bernstein get this amazing idea?

Bernstein got the idea for the reality show one night while watching a televised cricket game from India. He realized that the throwing motion employed in cricket wasn’t that different from American pro baseball.

Reality show Million Dollar Arm launched in India in 2008. More than 40,000 contestants auditioned, including Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, who emerged as the two finalists.

Bernstein brought Singh and Patel to the U.S., using action films and rap songs to facilitate their English. He also taught them the mechanics of baseball. (Via The Hollywood Reporter)

OK, I suppose if at least half the movie involves two Indian guys talking like Snoop Dogg while quoting Die Hard, I could watch it. Maybe twice if it’s on TBS at 3 a.m. and I’ve had a dozen or so beers. And Craigslist would have to be down. Yeah, then I could totally watch it.

Singh and Patel on an old Outside the Lines after the jump…

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The Pittsburgh Pirates were unbearably bad last season, with a final record of 57-105. How Wiz Khalifa still parades around their apparel in his rap songs and is proud of it, I have no clue. Anyway, Ross Ohlendorf, one of the starting pitchers, was brave enough to take a case to arbitration and ended up getting a raise… despite the fact that he only had one win last season.

Ohlendorf was awarded a raise from $439,000 to $2,025,000 Wednesday by arbitrators Steven Wolf, Fredric Horowitz and Robert Herzog, who heard the case a day earlier. The Pirates had argued he should be paid $1.4 million.

The 28-year-old right-hander had a 4.07 ERA in 21 starts for Pittsburgh last year, and his record on a team that went a major league-worst 57-105 was down from 11-10 the previous year.-ESPN.

Now, obviously wins aren’t indicative of a pitcher’s ability, but looking at Ohlendorf’s other stats, it’s not a fluke he only won a single game in 2010. He had a 1.38 WHIP this season, 8.8 hits per nine innings and an ERA of 4.07 in 108.1 innings pitched. Ohlendorf also had a WAR rating of 2.0, meaning that he was basically a below average pitcher. Paying a little over $2 million for that kind of player doesn’t sound like a lot, which is exactly why the Pirates will pay it and keep their parade of astounding ineptitude going all the way until next season. Go Pittsburgh!

Pittsburgh Penguins center Sidney Crosby took batting practice at PNC Park earlier this week, and he’s already the Pirates’ best hitter. Derp! Seriously, that’s a good-looking stroke. Watch after the jump as The Cros pops one into the upper deck with the smoothness. But yeah, now that the Bucs have 40 roster spots, you think they could leave one open for this guy? I can’t wait to see Crosby take a dive while sliding into home plate. Read the rest of this entry »

This video has started playing on the scoreboard during Pirates games this season, so it’s quite possible you’re the one of the first people to see it. [Pete the Punchline Explaining Robot says: This joke is making light of the paucity of fans found at the typical home game at PNC Park.] It’s intended to introduce one of those lame between inning entertainments needed to prevent ADD-addled fans from gnawing their arms off during the few minutes where the breakneck action of a baseball game dies down. As you can see, it’s trying hard for that movie theater “let’s all go the lobby” theme, but then the hot dog joins together suggestively with the bun and then the video told me to get some meat. And then I thought for a second, “Geez, why does everything in sports have to be so phallic?” Then I went back to stroking my penis.