I’ve been to a lot of boring baseball games, and I’ve seen fans soldier through the lulls in action by reading books, playing video games and pretty much anything else besides “watching baseball”. Now, thanks to this clip from Deadspin, I’ve seen a guy pass the time by making blowjob faces.

It happened during Tuesday night’s weather-delayed game between the Chicago Cubs and the Pittsburgh Pirates. During the ninth inning, this gent goes full Pornhub with every blowjob pantomime variation he can muster, including the straight-up gag and double-dong swordfight. It’s at least as interesting as a 3-0 Cubs loss.

Security eventually wises up to his show, but not before he makes Comcast’s slow-motion replay and becomes an Internet superstar. You’re the next Michelle Jenneke, guy! Thanks for making “Chicago Cubs blowjob” a viable search option, I guess.

If you’re reading this, Chicago Cubs Blowjob Guy, I recommend spending your next 9th inning going full Annie Edison:

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Today is day two of The Dugout’s ‘Opening Days’, a celebratory maxi-series (maxi meaning “tampons”) that hopes to touch on every Major League team as MLB drags opening day out until July. Yesterday we took a look at the Tampa Bay Rays, and today we’ll visit the Pittsburgh Pirates, a young team that hopes to capitalize on the unexpected successes of last season with a focused, dedicated run toward the playoffs in 2012.

Just kidding, they’re the Pirates. Ah well, at least they appear in the strip this year, and I didn’t just have it be about Barry Bonds again. Note that today’s comic is based on an actual thing that happened.

Please enjoy today’s installment of Opening Days, and for any Pirates fans out there, I’ll see you in 365-ish days with next season’s strip.

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The Pittsburgh Pirates, the same team that lost 105 games in 2010, were 53-47 and in first place through 100 games on July 25. Then, history happened.

The Pirates have lost 40 of their past 56 games, going 16-40 and dropping to 5th place in the NL Central. If it continues, they could end up as the second-worst team in the National League, finishing worse than the Cubs and the Padres and pretty much everyone outside of Houston. As a fan of the Cleveland Indians I am well aware of sh*t and its ability to happen, but according to Dejan Kovacevic of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Pittsburgh’s epic plunge is statistically the worst drop for a first place team in baseball history. In history.

Here’s the math:

The Pirates’ 16-40 record down the stretch makes for a .286 winning percentage. Next-worst was the 1977 Chicago Cubs, who went 60-40 to lead their division through 100 games, then went 21-41 for a .339 winning percentage.

These Pirates went from delight to disgrace before Regis Philbin could break out one chorus of “We Are Family.”

‘Duk at Big League Stew tries to put the fall into perspective and does a fine job, considering:

Of course, because it’s the Pirates, there’s a particularly cruel twist: Game No. 101 was the infamous 19-inning affair in Atlanta that ended with umpire Jerry Meals making one of the worst calls in history. Meals is a Bartmanesque anti-hero in this case — Pittsburgh would have likely plummeted without his atrocity — but that probably doesn’t make it any easier for Pirates fans to digest.

At least as an Indians fan I can rationalize that the Tigers went Super Saiyan and dropped a damn Spirit Bomb on the AL Central. Earlier this month, the Bucs clinched their 19th consecutive losing season, and 2011′s first half has officially gone from “pleasant surprise” to “cruel tease” for Pirates fans. Next year they’ll climb out of it or make it 20 in a row, but no matter what, you have to look on the bright side — there’s something to be said for always finding new definitions for exceptionally awful, isn’t there?

Where have you gone, Mike LeValliere?

Last night, baseball fans witnessed a modern miracle as the Pittsburgh Pirates defeated the Houston Astros 5-1 to move 4 games over .500. Meanwhile, the Milwaukee Brewers lost to the Arizona Diamondbacks 7-3 to drop to just 3 games over .500, which means that the Pirates are now in second place in their division for the first time since 1992.

Of course, way back in 1992 – when most of your girlfriends weren’t even born yet – there were only two divisions in the National League, so it’s not as impressive that the Pirates are just 1.5 games back of the St. Louis Cardinals for first place in the NL Central. But hey, who am I to ruin the fun? Even if it’s just for today, this is a huge milestone for the Pirates, as the franchise has become the biggest loser in modern professional sports with 18 consecutive losing seasons since they lost to the Atlanta Braves in the 1992 NLCS.

Today could mark the start of a 20-game losing streak for the Pirates, for all we know, so just for now, let’s live like we were dying, to quote a song I once heard at a gas station. Maybe the Pirates will even keep winning with their young, talented stable of players, featuring guys like Andrew McCutchen and… his teammates. Maybe they’ll even go all the way and end Steel Town’s baseball misery. Hell, not many people ever thought we’d even be where we are today.

That’s why I thought we could take a look back at all of the amazing things that have happened throughout the past 18 years just to give us an idea of how monumental this day is.

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I guess you could type the phrase “Pirates catcher helpless in the face of” a lot of things — sliding players, incoming fastballs, fate — but this one is a doozy: Pittsburgh Pirates catcher Chris Snyder’s wife was driving their car and (allegedly) almost hit a pedestrian on a scooter. The guy followed the car to a gas station and tried to attack her. Snyder recently had back surgery, so couldn’t do anything to help. The WTAE Pittsburgh headline makes it sound way worse: “Pirates’ Catcher Forced To Watch As Wife Attacked At Gas Station”, like this guy was the head of a terrorist organization on 24 and had handcuffed him to a pipe or something.

Passerby Joe Changle was the first person to stop and help, and the story he tells is a grand one.

“He swung at me a couple of times. I told him, ‘Don’t do it again, or I’m going to put you down.’ And he came over again. I just tripped him up, put him on the ground and held him down.”

While Changle tried to subdue the suspect, police said Modhwadia bit him in the arm.

An off-duty Pittsburgh police officer happened to be driving by and stepped in to help and that’s when, police said, [attacker Subhash] Modhwadia began throwing punches with a key between his fingers.

The criminal complaint says Modhwadia then took off his shoe and threw it at the officer.

The image of a pissed off 44-year old Indian guy on a scooter throwing fake Wolverine punches is just the appetizer, as the following paragraph should be inked onto something and stored in the Hall of Records.

“He took off his shoe and threw it. Another guy came over and said he was an off-duty cop. He picked him up threw him in the weeds. The (suspect) came back up again. Then the police came and he took his shoe off and threw it at the cop and hit the cop with his shoe,” said witness Chuck Crooks.

Sure, but what happened with the shoe?

So let me recap this for you: a professional athlete who has recently had back surgery is well enough to ride around in a car and get out of the car when someone tries to attack his wife and family, but he’s not well enough to step in and handle a guy whose most dangerous weapon is a shoe, and who could be easily tripped by a passerby and tossed into the bushes by another. Also, how awesome is it that a criminal being thrown is witnessed by a guy named “Chuck Crooks”?

I don’t remember reading the Yahoo fantasy update about Chris Snyder being paralyzed (and I can’t imagine any amount of soreness would keep me from defending my wife and children), but hey, at least for once him standing around doing nothing didn’t lose the game.

"High five for 100,000 volts!"

On Saturday, the Pittsburgh Pirates lost to the Colorado Rockies 6-4 to drop their record to 5-4, giving Pirates fans only one day left in the 2011 season to enjoy being above .500. But the Bucs fans jumped out to an early lead in the Best Drunken Tazings competition, thanks to the Stone Cold Steve Austin lookalike in the video below. Erik from Counting Baseballs caught the footage of a drunken fan in a sweet USA Olympic jacket shoving an usher as he was being escorted from his seats by Pittsburgh’s finest. The elbow led to the police using a Tazer on the unruly fan, and when that didn’t work, it became night stick time. Meanwhile, the crowd chanted, “U-S-A!” and for one night, Philadelphia had lost its crown as the batsh*ttiest sports town in Pennsylvania.

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