Pittsburgh’s 96.1 KISS FM Morning Freak Show, hosted by Mikey and Big Bob, responded to a Twitter rumor yesterday that Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby is dating country-turned-pop star Taylor Swift. Normally, I’d be like, “Stupid morning radio bros startin’ poop with awful photoshops” but not this time, because this rumor totally seems like it could be true.

For example, Swift is playing at the Amway Center tonight in my beloved Bethlehem of the meth belt, Orlando, and I wouldn’t even flinch if someone walked up to me in a strip club and said, “Hey I heard Sidney Crosby’s in town because Taylor Swift is playing a show tonight” because she has a different boyfriend every week. In fact, I’m shocked that she hasn’t dated Crosby yet. Hell, any pro athlete for that matter.

So because it’s eventually going to happen, and Swift will break up with whichever athlete she gets her talons on (please be Tebow, please be Tebow…) and then she’ll write an entire album about him, I took the liberty of writing her first hit single off that album.

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The NHL needs a “previously on” recap before games, I guess.

Hockey’s been gone so long, even the networks airing hockey games don’t remember what happened the last time the NHL was in season. They know the Kings won the Stanley Cup. Their logo has a basketball on it for some reason, right? They know Wayne Gretzky’s daughter has an Instagram account and a fantastic body, and Wayne Gretzky was a hockey guy, probably. The rest? They’ll just make that up as they go.

As an example of what I’m talking about, here’s an ad for NHL on NBC, wherein they hype saturday’s Pittsburgh/Philadelphia game by saying Claude Giroux and the Flyers “have their sights set on revenge for last season’s playoff loss to Pitt.” Uh, you know, that series the Flyers won in six games and pretty much dominated. Was NBC not around for ‘Knock Knock?’ Oh well, at least they know who Claude Giroux is, and didn’t just call him Eric Lindros.

If we’re gonna fan-fic last year’s playoffs, can we write in a thing where Alex Ovechkin tried really hard, and the Caps didn’t make me feel terrible again?

[h/t to Puck Daddy]

I have a few friends in Philadelphia, and after the Philadelphia Flyers eliminated the Model Franchise Pittsburgh Penguins with a 5-1 victory in Game 6 of their first-round playoff series on Sunday there was (Facebook) talk of a “dynasty”. A dynasty. After one playoff series victory in a row. If the Flyers lose between now and Lord Stanley’s Cup, those same people will complain about how hard the media tries to make Philly sports fans look like goons.

If they do win the Cup, however, it’ll be thanks to the efforts of fans like these and ‘Knock Knock’, the Karaoke In The Style of Mac Miller fan anthem performed by LiL LouiE C (his capitalization, not mine) (Free Lil Louie C with purchase of a regular sized Louie C*). As fan anthems go it’s not the worst we’ve heard, but it brings up three very important questions:

1. Why are other sports organizations so quick to bring the Terms And Services hammer down on YouTube users illegally uploading clips (like the Metta World Peace elbow we ended up having to gif), but 2:45 of this guy’s 3-minute video is Flyers clips and the NHL doesn’t lift a finger?

2. Is the defining characteristic of an “anthem” the fact that you went around town taping random townspeople lip syncing to your song in 2-second gestures? “Okay now go KNOCK KNOCK with your hands and mouth LET EM IN” etc.

3. Is that Turtle from Entourage?

Well, at least one of those questions has an answer:

[h/t to Philly Sports Live]
*joke credit to Jon Bois

My favorite part of NMA World Edition’s recap of the rising violence in the NHL Playoffs should be players drowning each other, morphing into literal devils and damage-dealing penguins (!) or attacking one another with rocket shoes, but it isn’t — it’s the fact that I guess Taiwanese animation doesn’t have a pre-rendered hockey helmet in their clip art so they just gave everybody motorcycle helmets. That’s amazing.

So yeah, here’s the blood and guts report from our favorite, barely-talented journalistic savants. Come for the fans high-fiving each other for getting hit with body parts, stay for the child-on-child violence.

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What you need to know, courtesy of HockeyFights.com:

Caps rookie Jay Beagle went looking for a fight with Arron Asham, one of the toughest middleweights for the past decade. It started out well, Beagle controlled range, threw long distance rights, but the feeling of things going well soon evaporated. Asham righted himself, regained his balance and composure and returned fire.

Where it goes then is swift, brutal and decisive.

Best: Every Hockey Fight Needs WWE Hand Gestures

It’s not sportsmanlike to play to the crowd and taunt your opponent after a fight in sports (to the point that Asham has already apologized for it), but when a rookie starts throwing hands and you drop him with two punches I think you should be required to stand over him and make hand gestures at his rag-doll-physics corpse until he never tries it again.

Asham’s “goodnight” gesture is the same one used by WWE’s CM Punk before his finishing move, a fireman’s carry into a knee to the face called “Go To Sleep”. As both a pro wrestling and pro hockey fan, I also would’ve accepted crotch-chopping, The Big Show’s roaring palm raise or the entire Val Venis pre-match routine.

Worst: The Caps Can’t Afford To Lose Any More Brains

With multiple years of playoff futility under their belts and sites like Puck Daddy openly wondering whether or not Alex Ovechkin has peaked offensively, the Washington Capitals should probably start picking their battles on the ice and trying to keep the insides of their heads intact. Washington won the game (3-2 in overtime), but most sites covering this don’t even bother to mention that — the only thing people will walk away from this game remembering is how Beagle hit the ice like he was dying in Half-Life.

Bob McCown of the Fan590 in Toronto made waves on Friday when he reported he had heard Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby’s family was trying to convince him to retire for fear of risking more injury.  As the adorable Crosby (pictured above) is not old enough to speak for himself, his Dad called ESPN to let them know this wasn’t true.

“Not at all,” Troy Crosby, from his Halifax, Nova Scotia, home, told ESPN. “We’re just trying to get him healthy again. However long that takes, that’s how long it’s going to take.”  Crosby then told his son Sidney to get down off the couch, following the command with “I’m not telling you again!”  He then began counting, causing the Penguins great to sit down and be quiet for fear of what would come after two.

Crosby’s agent Pat Brisson also refuted the report, adding “na na na boo boo” and urging the veteran radio host to “stick [his] head in doo-doo.”

The young star, who was driven to practice today in his Dad’s mini-van, was severely concussed back in January when professional hockey players dared touch him.  According to recent updates from the Penguins blogs I frequent, Crosby is actually totally fine, nothing happened to him in January, and he’s just been chilling at home drinking juice boxes and eating Lunchables from the last three months.