So this was pretty inevitable. After all, there’s nothing more petty and absurd than the jealousies of in-state college athletics. With Florida Gulf Coast University and Dunk City stealing all of the thunder of the state’s second and third tier basketball programs by becoming the first ever 15 seed to advance to the Sweet 16 at the NCAA Tournament, schools like Florida International University have to work a lot harder to get our attention, so naturally the first step was, “HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT OUR NEW COURT!”

As you can see above, FIU wants to remind everyone that the Golden Panthers play in Miami. That’s where the real beaches are, not at stupid FGCU, where the students pretend that a giant lake is their beach. Just how beachy is Miami? The Panthers have a beach on their new basketball court. But it doesn’t stop there, bottle poppers. No sir, FIU wants to give you the full Miami red carpet, velvet rope experience, so they’re adding some very special courtside seats.

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"Please, throw Bud Light responsibly."

If you thought the strange feud between Lil Wayne and the Miami Heat was over – you know, because Weezy is cool with LeBron James’ mom and all – you were dead wrong, because Miami’s homegrown rappers have been stepping up to call out Wayne for dissing the 305. It started with Unkle Luke reminding Lil Wayne that he’s the unofficial mayor of Miami, and now everyone’s favorite product pitchman and the possible result of a threeway involving Luke and Jon Secada, Pitbull, has released his own diss track directed at Weezy. Ladies and gentlemen, hip hop in 2013.

But before Lil Wayne can retaliate with his own diss track or by possibly giving him scurvy, Pitbull has to fulfill his latest obligation of headlining the 2013 Preakness InfieldFest on May 18 at the Pimlico Race Track in Baltimore. Because when you think horse racing, you think drinking Dr. Pepper under a freeway. No beef, though, because the Preakness folks just want to fist pump their Bud Light Limes and have a real good time.

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Despite what a bunch of pompous crybabies like myself predicted during the NBA lockout, a little forced time off eventually did nothing to hurt the sanctity of the league and the statuses and images of its stars. That has been clearly evident from the strong ratings, and it has been aided by unexpected blessings like Jeremy Lin popping up in the league’s favorite market. And as Sunday’s All-Star Game has come and gone, TNT had a ratings bonanza and David Stern cackled atop his throne of angel skulls.

Now we can go back to wondering what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard and Deron Williams. Will they end up together in New Jersey/Brooklyn? Dallas? Orlando? Turkey? A Whole Foods in Connecticut? A lube-soaked spooning embrace? Yes to all is my prediction, because that’s the easy choice and we have more important matters confronting us, like making fun of Chris Brown.

Because that’s the most important thing we can do today.

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Welcome to another installment of Wild Card Wednesday, as I try to cram together all of the awesome, random things that we’ve been missing out on in favor of the big stories and half-naked Marisa Miller…

At some point on Sunday, Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hurt his foot and now it looks like his season is over. I’m sure that the Texans won’t completely give up on Schaub until a doctor does something cool and drastic like slam his glasses down and yell, “Damn it, I’m not God!” In the meantime, the second coming of Matt Leinart is upon us, and somewhere there’s a Jacuzzi not being boned in.

Last night, Houston tight end James Casey Tweeted the above image of a local Hooters showing support for the new QB. Unfortunately, after calling the Hooters, I learned that they ran out of space and it should have read: “Hey Leinart, we believe you gave us all gonorrhea.” OK, I may have made that up. But would you bet against it?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, Texans fans. God knows this would be my response to losing Schaub…

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While today may be singer and actor Marc Anthony’s 43rd birthday, you can bet your salsa-loving butts that this week has been a non-stop fiesta of epic proportions. In fact, the real birthday fun actually took place Monday night in Miami, as Anthony invited some of his biggest celebrity friends to join him in the owner’s box as the Dolphins hosted the New England Patriots to open their NFL season.

Anthony is one of a handful of celebrities who enjoy a minority ownership of the Dolphins, including singer Fergie, Serena and Venus Williams, Gloria Estefan, Jimmy Buffett, and Jennifer Lopez, who was happily married to Anthony until the couple recently filed for divorce. While it’s not exactly the terrible saga of Frank and Jamie McCourt, you have to at least appreciate that even a divorce involving 1% owners can be incredibly awkward.

Thankfully, Anthony has some truly wonderful friends to help him through these hard times. As we saw on Monday night, Will Smith – the most popular actor in the world – stood by his good friend’s side and threw him one heck of a birthday week kickoff party as the Dolphins were curb stomped before their eyes. But this went far beyond a football game. Smith, Sean Kingston, Pitbull, Dwyane Wade, Fergie, and her drunk husband Josh Duhamel were all on hand to make sure Anthony got jiggy with it.

And you know, I like to think it went a little like this…

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