It’s playoff weekend, and in a little some of the biggest and baddest men in the country will begin stepping out onto the football field to battle for the coveted spot in the Super Bowl. Every analyst and sports blogger has their methods for picking the winners using statistics, injury reports, homefield advantage, current team climate–what have you. This weekend I’ve decided to take a weird science approach and come up with my own method using completely asinine criteria, because why not? For the most part it’s all a crap shoot anyway (remember when Tampa beat New Orleans? That was awesome).
Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints
QB: Who’s older? Kurt Warner is old. Drew Brees is young and virile. Point: NO
Top WR: Who’s more aesthetically pleasing? Larry Fitzgerald is smiling in his team picture, and Marques Colston is not. Also, Fitz’s face is more symmetrical. Point: AZ
Top RB: Higher jersey # = more yards. Beanie Wells wears 26, and Pierre Thomas wears 23. I’m tempted to reneg on my “theory” since 23 is MJ’s number and I feel like that is sacred, but I have to default to the Beanie Man. He will have more yards today. Point: AZ
Defense: Higher combined weight = stopping power. Arizona = 6,146 lbs, Nawlins = 6,739 lbs. Point: NO
Name: If you break it down to religion, a Cardinal is a church official, and Saints are a way bigger deal. No one ever says, “Oh well aren’t you a cardinal!” Point: NO
WINNER: NEW ORLEANS
Baltimore Raves vs. Indianapolis Colts
QB: Who’s older? Pey-pey is 33 with 4 MVPs under his belt, and Flacco is 24. I’m taking older and wiser. Point: IND
Top WR: Who’s more aesthetically pleasing? Derrick Mason looks mature and smooth and like he probably gives good hugs. Reggie Wayne looks young, clean, and maybe a little high maintenance. Point: BMORE
Top RB: Higher jersey # = more yards. Ray Rice is 27, and Joseph Addai is 29. I am 28, so I don’t really understand why they have to put me in the middle like this, but rules are rules. Addai it is! Point: IND
Defense: Higher combined weight = stopping power. Ravens = 5,650 lbs, Colts = 5,951 lbs. Point: IND
Name: A Raven is a big dirty bird that will peck your face off, and a Colt is a kid horse. I don’t really know what fighting skills a Colt would have except running and and neighing. Point: BMORE
I’m thinking you should take these to your online bookies immediately. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s picks!
(Thanks Sun – fixed !)