Say what you want about actor/comedian Will Ferrell – he’s washed up, past his prime, a shell of his former self, he should have stopped after Anchorman, he should take a few years off to come up with a new project that would totally wow us, The Campaign was awful, he yells too much, the only people happy about Anchorman 2 are aging frat boys* in need of fresh happy hour material, he plays the same character over and over – but I still love the guy.

Between his random Old Milwaukee Super Bowl ads, the Knife Guys with Baby Goose and his announcing work at that New Orleans Hornets game, he’s a nice second fiddle to the even more awesome Bill Murray, whose mustache at the Pebble Beach Pro-Am was other-worldly. And last night, Ferrell reminded us why he’s the king of surprise cameos when he showed up to an incredibly boring game between the Los Angeles Lakers and Phoenix Suns and played a security guard named Ted Vagina.

The Lakers ended up winning 91-85 thanks to a strong double-double by Dwight Howard, but Ferrell “ejecting” Shaquille O’Neal from the game was definitely much more entertaining.

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"And I was like, 'Toronto? Sorry, wrong number. No Steve Nash here.'"

Depending on whom you ask, the Los Angeles Lakers either just pulled off a fantastic or terrible trade that makes them instant contenders again or just makes them older. Yesterday, the Lakers defiled our nation’s birthday by making the day’s biggest sports news all about a Canadian athlete. The Phoenix Suns have agreed to ship Steve Nash to L.A. for a goodie bag of draft picks and cash.

Specifically, the Suns inked Nash to a 3-year, $27 million extension and will swing him to the Lakeshow for $3 million and four draft picks. The Lakers were able to make the deal happen thanks to that exemption they received from Dallas in the “Lamar Odom’s worthless presence” trade last season.

So what sold Nash, who had interest from a bunch of teams, on this particular deal?

“This is what I call a family values contract,” Nash’s agent Bill Duffy told USA TODAY Sports. “He was seriously considering retiring so he could remain close to his children. We had to twist his arm to have an open mind. He didn’t want to be away from his children, and this allows him to be in a competitive situation, and even though it’s a rival, he wanted Phoenix to get some value back. It’s a win-win.” (Via USA Today)

Added Duffy, “I was all like, ‘Retirement shmetirement, bro. Daddy needs a new beach house in San Diego. Think about others for once, you selfish dick.’ And boom, Lakers.”

Of course once the news broke, so did the dam that keeps all of the Internet’s hyperbole from drowning us. Nash is 38-years old, and he’ll turn 39 in the middle of the 2012-13 season, so can he still be the point guard that Kobe Bryant and the Lakers have desperately craved since Derek Fisher’s age caught up to him?

Let’s speculate and debate and then hug.

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I was hoping that by this point in the week I’d have some fun little anecdotes to share about how Orlando is shaping up for All-Star Weekend, but short of about 60 more homeless people than usual and some banners, I haven’t noticed much yet. In fact, I’m mega bummed, you guys. My buddy got me on the guest list for Diddy’s All-Star party this weekend and I was super pumped to go and take really awkward pictures next to all of the celebrities in attendance (“Hey is that Joey Fatone with Skeet Ulrich???”) but word on Church Street is that the party was cancelled thanks to some screw up by a promoter. Bummers, y’all.

But I’m still gonna do my best to put together a fun recap for next Monday, because I’m perpetually bound to run into ridiculous stuff on a weekend like this. I may still attend the Rising Stars Challenge and Dunk Contest, but the real fun is going to be at the bars, so I will stick to what I do best. My prediction? I end up bare-knuckle boxing Aaron Carter behind a Steak-N-Shake dumpster. Fingers crossed!

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NBA journeyman Armen Gilliam died on Wednesday at the age of 47. He had a heart attack while playing a pick-up game of basketball at his local LA Fitness in Collier Township, probably the least “LA” place in the United States. They rushed him to a hospital, where they declared him dead.

Stat recaps are never a fun thing to do when someone dies too young, but they’re a heart-in-the-right-place way of lining up a man’s public accomplishments and saying “hey, this is what he did, and you can remember him for it”. He was a former No. 2 overall pick of the Phoenix Suns in 1987 and played for nearly everyone at one point or another, the Charlotte Hornets, Philadelphia 76ers, New Jersey Nets, Milwaukee Bucks and Utah Jazz. His first name used to be “Armon”, but he changed it. He retired in 2000 after 13 seasons of being “The Hammer”, a nickname given to him for his powerful, physical style of play and because it was a great pun.

He was never a superstar, so we’re allowed to let the people who knew him best make their own eulogies.

“I’m all shook up,” former UNLV coach Jerry Tarkanian told the Las Vegas Sun today. “He was such a great person. He would take the shirt of his back for you.”

I think that’s the kind of legacy I’d like to leave.

Well, not in so many words, but of all the people in our God forsaken world to speak on the current wave of former and current NBA players and executives coming out as gay adults, it is Charles Barkley who speaks most rationally. Those May 21 apocalypse people might be on to something.

Barkley told Washington Post columnist Mike Wise that he’s sure he’s played with gay teammates, that “every player has played with gay guys,” and that anyone who claims to have never played with a gay teammate is a “stone-freakin’ idiot.” He added that he’s never worried about being hit on by a gay teammate or thought a gay player would affect his team, although he did urge all open and closeted homosexual men to try Taco Bell’s Five Buck Box, which Barkley says “rocks.”

The NBA Legend urged all homophobes to Shut Up and Jam:

“Man, we need to outlaw guys who suck at sports. … I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”

Haha, no I don’t mean that Rick Welts has been fired, sillies. I mean that the President of the Phoenix Suns is gay, as per an interview published in the New York Times yesterday. And of course he’s gay. He’s wearing a pink shirt, for the love of Lady Gaga. In all seriousness, though, the 58-year old chose to finally break his silence to help create a conversation for all male team sports about homosexuality.

“This is one of the last industries where the subject is off limits,” said Mr. Welts, who stands now as a true rarity, a man prominently employed in professional men’s team sports, willing to declare his homosexuality. “Nobody’s comfortable in engaging in a conversation.” (Via New York Times)

It’s definitely an important conversation and I hope that Welts’ sacrifice isn’t for naught. Statistics would strongly suggest that there are many gay men in professional sports, and it must be difficult for them to keep hiding their real identities behind fears of discrimination and physical threats. After all, they can’t all be as macho as Johnny Weir.

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