And now, Taylor Hall turning into Yojimbo to slash Zbynek Michalek in the third period of Edmonton’s 3-1 loss to the Phoenix. Just straight-up raising a hockey stick over his head and trying to cut a man open from withers to brisket. Spoiler alert: No penalty was called. Whoops!
For the first time in who’s even counting anymore, the NHL and NHLPA met to discuss a new collective bargaining agreement, and they were so serious about it that they met two whole times. And today they’re actually going to meet for a third time, so you know that they might be really serious about finding a happy medium on revenue sharing and pensions, and ending this ridiculous lockout once and for all. But since I don’t really know a lot about all the legal whatchamacallits and thingamajigs, let’s talk about Paul Bissonnette and his yoga instructor instead.
One of the biggest things that has been pissing me off about this whole stupid lockout was that I was supposed to be able to interview the 27-year enforcer, who has become quite the entertaining and controversial personality on Twitter, at the beginning of the season. Obviously, that didn’t happen (yet), but I would have probably asked him a starter question like, “So hockey, that’s pretty cool, right?” and before he could even answer I would scream, “WHO IS THAT WOMAN?”
We’d be best bros after that.
UPDATE: I’m late to the party, but she’s Amy Lynn Grover. She offers a yoga for athletes program, as well as great healthy recipes. That’s why I’m viewing her website.
This is probably the least important story of all time, but it’s about the NHL and has nothing to do with the goddamn lockout, so I’m writing about it: the Phoenix Coyotes are considering a name change.
That would be pretty big news if they were relocating, or even if they were losing the alternating clip-art/art deco coyote logos and calling themselves something late 2000s like the PHOENIX CLASHEZ or whatever, but nope, they’re dropping the Phoenix to become the “Arizona Coyotes”. Because seriously, they’ve been playing in Glendale for like a decade.
HOCKEY NEWS GO!
Mike Nealy, the president and COO of the team, told XTRA Sports 910 yesterday that there’s a “high probability” the name-change will happen, maybe even next year.
Speaking to how they’re going to keep the excitement for the team going — since there’s a lockout going on, and all — Nealy said the phrase “we’re here to stay” will be among the “messages” the organization’s going to use in media spots. (via Phoenix New Times)
… because “we’re here to make sure you’ve got your papers” doesn’t fit on a t-shirt.
So, now that we’ve planned for the Coyotes to be named more accurately and gotten them to sign a series of banners masquerading as documents reading, “WE’RE NOT LEAVING WE SWEAR,” can we get f**king hockey back? For real, this is starting to get stupid. If the lockout goes on much longer, I’m going to have to start watching the Arizona Suns.
Actor Rainn Wilson wanted tickets to Game 4 of the Western Conference Final between the Los Angeles Kings and the Phoenix Coyotes, so the wacky Kings Twitter team — the same team who helped build Stanley Cup sandcastles and just trolled Marlon Wayans (Marlon Wayans!) for liking basketball more than hockey — responded the only way they knew how: by referencing the first episode of ‘The Office’.
The exchange, by way of Puck Daddy:
I don’t blame them for referencing that instead of anything that’s happened since Jim and Pam got married (what’re they supposed to do, off him tickets inside of a boring storyline about who wants to run Dunder-Mifflin?), but if I was Wilson I’d trick them into phasing all their tweets in the form of meatballs.
Here’s a pic of Luc Robitaille presenting Dwight with his tickets, or one of the Blues Brothers getting a gift from Jason Bateman, I can’t really tell because they Instagram’d it and they might as well have been standing in a 1970s sandstorm:
My favorite part of NMA World Edition’s recap of the rising violence in the NHL Playoffs should be players drowning each other, morphing into literal devils and damage-dealing penguins (!) or attacking one another with rocket shoes, but it isn’t — it’s the fact that I guess Taiwanese animation doesn’t have a pre-rendered hockey helmet in their clip art so they just gave everybody motorcycle helmets. That’s amazing.
So yeah, here’s the blood and guts report from our favorite, barely-talented journalistic savants. Come for the fans high-fiving each other for getting hit with body parts, stay for the child-on-child violence.
I was called a sucky pussy yesterday for believing that hockey fights are only a part of the game when hockey has actually been played, so I wanted to share footage of a completely justified bloody brawl. During the second period of Tuesday night’s game between the Dallas Stars and Phoenix Coyotes, Coyotes captain Shane Doan gave Stars forward Jamie Benn a suckerpunch elbow to the jaw. As the adorably commentary noted, it was “right on the button” and “all heck” proceeded to break loose.
A rundown of penalties, courtesy of Puck Daddy:
Doan was given a fighting major for his bout with Brenden Morrow (who also received five minutes), as well as a two-minute elbowing minor for the hit on Benn.
The other penalties for the Coyotes: Raffi Torres with roughing and charging minors and a 10-minute misconduct; and Rusty Klesla with a roughing minor and a 10-minute misconduct.
The other penalties for the Stars: Steve Ott with roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct minors, and a 10-minute misconduct; and Trevor Daley with a roughing minor and a 10-minute misconduct.
As for Doan, he’s in trouble when the NHL gets a gander at this thing.
I’m starting to learn that almost anything you can get in trouble for in the NHL is somebody’s idea of how the game should be played. I guess that works for every sport. Personally I’d take off my skate and try to stab a guy if he nonchalantly skated by and blatantly tried to injure me with an elbow to the face, and I wouldn’t be upset if my team joined in.
