Say what you will about the Phillie Phanatic, but he’s got fantastic taste in women.

Here’s a clip (thanks to Sports Crackle Pop, by way of Philly Barstool) of the greatest and most important of all sports mascots crashing a traffic forecast to briefly discuss the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies season before noticing that Kacie McDonnell is amazing and going in for a kiss. The result? Kacie McDonnell has a boyfriend now, and he is a blood red Galapagos bird.

I’ve never met the red version of the Phanatic, but I HAVE been kissed on the face his green equivalent, for telling him I had the The Phillie Phanatic Goes Hollywood DVD. Maybe I shouldn’t meet the red one. I feel like he should be enraged and hyper-violent or something.

(I’d like to meet Kacie, too.)
(I need to know about the traffic.)

After a few weeks of writing about shows me and three other people in the world like (Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, Boy Meets World, et al.), we decided to dedicate a Sports On TV column to a show the entire UPROXX network loves — ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,’ FX’s delightfully cruel comedy that has its own page of recaps and commenter badges on the UPROXX mothership.

The show’s use of Philadelphia is at least as comprehensive as ‘The Wire’s’ use of Baltimore, and all of the important Philly area teams and icons have made an appearance on the show … the Eagles, the Flyers, the Phillies, the Phillie Phanatic. ‘It’s Always Sunny’ also launched the worldwide popularity of GREEN MAN, who you may know as “that a-hole in the morphsuit at any sporting event.” It’s an important thing they’re doing, so we’re here to talk about it.

Things we have to apologize for in advance: crude language, situations meant for mature audiences and getting the “Flipadelphia” song stuck in your head again.

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Teddy finally won the GEICO Racing Presidents race at Nationals Park. Previous to this, he was 0-525. I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t felt this way since Barack Obama won the Presidency.

I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan, but after their 0-81 second half and descent into jamming their fingers up each others’ asses madness, I’ve been forced to fall back on my favorite National League team, the Washington Nationals. I lived in Bethesda, Maryland, for a year and have spent many an afternoon sitting in an empty ballpark, watching Mets fans (or whoever) cheer as Nyjer Morgan throws hissy-fits and gives up inside-the-park homeruns. I’ve clapped along to THUNDERSTRUCK~ with 35 other sad people.

Despite their amazing season, my hopes for a deep playoffs run for the Nats have been light. The issues with Strasburg, the post-season inexperience of players like Bryce Harper … I just didn’t know if the Nationals could pull it off. Then, Teddy Roosevelt won the Presidents Race with the help of a phony Phillie Phanatic who lost his snout somewhere in the middle. Now … I don’t know. I feel like they could accomplish anything.

Video of Teddy’s glorious moment (and a training montage that helped build to it) is after the jump.

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In a few months, I’m going to sink into depression. It won’t be because the Miami Dolphins will be 0 and whatever and it won’t have anything to do with the Orlando Magic embarking on a 4-win season. My misery will stem from 30 Rock airing its final episode and NBC turning its back on one of the greatest comedies in TV history in favor of low hanging fruit like Guys with Kids. But that’s what happens when only a few million people tune in. The Two and a Half Mens of this world win.

One of the many – many, many, many – reasons that I love 30 Rock and consider it in the same category as Seinfeld and Cheers is because of the writing and the lines that most people don’t even hear. With 30 Rock, there’s always a main joke, but beneath that first layer is another layer and another layer, which makes each episode as re-watchable as the next. And within those jokes and layers are some of the smartest and funniest sports jokes that have ever been written for a sitcom.

I actually started working on this before Brandon started this wonderful series, and I had about 60-something scenes and jokes picked out, but I narrowed it down to my favorite moments. Enjoy and reflect, because after this season we’ll have to hope that Tina Fey and Co. take their talents elsewhere.

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You know those annoying Facebook macros going around with a picture of the Angry Beavers on it or whatever, with a big caption reading “ONLY 90S KIDS WOULD REMEMBER THIS CLICK LIKE” across the top? The Philadelphia Phillies made an entire night out of that.

Wednesday’s 3-2 loss to Brandon Bronson Arroyo was ’90s Retro Night at Citizens Bank Park, and as the mascot-loving guy behind the Sports On TV column I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t share the clip of the Phillie Phanatic dancing with the Spice (Ball) Girls or the hilariously thrown-together photoshops depicting Charlie Manuel as Wilson from ‘Home Improvement’, or whatever. It’s the kind of night that makes being at the ballpark fun, except for all the losing.

Most of the pictures come with a hat-tip to my good friend Mr. Joey Odorisio, and the ones that don’t are credited where applicable. What are you waiting for? Check them out. There’s a really creepy shot of Chase Utley as Dylan from ‘Beverly Hills 90210′ waiting somewhere on the other side of this jump.

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The Phillie Phanatic takes out a gaggle of hot dog imposters, because that’s how he rolls. This has made the rest of my day happier. (via MLB.com)

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Links

NBC Has Decided To Stop Making Great Comedies Like ‘Community’ |Warming Glow|

Six Seasons And A Meth Lab: ‘Community’ Meets ‘Breaking Bad’ Mashup Is Streets Ahead With Chemistry |UPROXX|

Vice Reporter On Acid Covers The Westminster Dog Show |Film Drunk|

Surprise! The World Isn’t Reacting Well To Michelle Jenneke |With Leather|

Breaking: Three-Boobed Hooker Actress Denies She Has Three Boobs |Gamma Squad|

Hola’ Hovito: Jay-Z’s 10 Best Guest Appearances |Smoking Section|

5 More Hard Truths About Training Camp |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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