Yesterday, in perhaps his most prolific artistic contribution to society, our forefather Matt Ufford introduced us to Philip Rivers with a mustache, and it might be the only thing on this planet that makes King Laserface even remotely endearing at this point. Seriously, I just dropped his ass in a fantasy league for a bye week tight end. I’ve been starting Carson Palmer over him, and I’m winning because of it, that’s how little Rivers is worth right now.

Yet here we are, Thursday Night Football only a few hours away and this is the juicy cow pie that the NFL is offering us – the San Diego Chargers vs. the Kansas City Chiefs. This is like the exact opposite of a Monday Night Football game. Hell, this is lower than Tuesday night MACtion.

Philip Rivers. Matt Cassel. It’s Thursday Night Football in America.

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Just like the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Pro Bowl had to tarp sections to avoid a blackout.

The 2012 Pro Bowl took place yesterday, in case you were glued to TNT’s broadcast of the Celebrity Drinking Contest annual SAG Awards, and it was basically everything you would expect, as the AFC defeated the NFC 59-41. The defenses played down, allowing the offensive players to do their things, and that’s why Philip Rivers only had one interception, instead of the standard 7. But I also commend rookie Can Newton for selflessly getting the defense involved by throwing 3 picks as well.

The star of the game, though, was Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who had 6 receptions for 176 yards and a Pro Bowl record 4 touchdowns, as he scored once in each quarter. Of course, the controversial wide receiver’s moment in the figurative sun didn’t last long as he eventually opened his mouth.

“Since Jay Cutler I’ve had a few different quarterbacks and being in the Pro Bowl you have these elite quarterbacks and it’s all them,” he said. “They put [the ball] in the right spots and make it easy for me to make the catch. It’s all the quarterbacks.” (Via the Miami Herald)

While he’s right – in the last two seasons, he’s had four QBs in Matt Moore, Chad Henne, Chad Pennington and Tyler Thigpen – some have misconstrued Marshall’s words as an attack on Moore. That would be true if the Dolphins hadn’t already made it clear that they’re looking to upgrade at QB. But I digress. At least the Pro Bowl gave us something to talk about.

In the meantime, people will continue to question the need for the Pro Bowl, and those people need to shush. The Pro Bowl is great for what it is – a chance for guys who get their asses kicked for 18 weeks to f*ck around and have some fun. The NFL just needs to move it back to after the Super Bowl so the players from the eventual championship team can attend and remind all of the other players how much worse they are. That’s the true NFL spirit.

Now enjoy some of the game’s best moments before everyone goes back to airing David Tyree’s catch over and over for the next 6 days.

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There’s simply too much going on after two weeks of NFL action to limit my thoughts to just a few things, especially since I watch every single game with the focus of a drunken toddler. And since I’m also a self-loathing Miami Dolphins fan, I’m quickly turning my attention more to next year’s ultimate prize – screw the Super Bowl – Andrew Luck.

So welcome to the first installment of the “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, where we’ll be monitoring the crappier teams and their hopeless freefalls toward the No. 1 draft pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. A few notes before we begin:

1) The rankings in no way indicate actual draft orders, as they’re just my week-to-week opinions. They also do not represent teams that necessarily need a QB, so don’t argue that certain teams wouldn’t draft Luck. Even if a team with a QB winds up with that top pick, they’ll still trade it for a desperate team’s entire draft.

B) Please remember that all power rankings are just, in fact, opinion and in no way represent actual standings or any kind of impact on the actual game.

III) This is mostly just a way for us fans of lousy teams to fend off sports depression and suicide threats. Damn you, 7-day waiting periods.

Now on with the fun…

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With the NFL Lockout behind us like an angry Aryan inmate, most of us have begun our annual preparations for our fantasy football drafts. That is, unless you’re in one of those leagues that already drafted because your commissioner is an impatient d*ckhead, who probably has a wife he only married because she was pregnant, so he needs anything he can get to distract him from reality. If that’s your case, then I’m sorry but this won’t help you.

In all honesty, this probably won’t help most people. So what is this then? It’s my own hastily organized fantasy football position rankings, based on biased logic, gut feelings, and many years of fantasy football angst. All this week and next, I’ll be breaking down each position by telling you which players are the best of their class, will give you the best value in later rounds, will cause you to have fits of rage and disgust, and will help you look smart in front of your friends when you draft them. Now, keep in mind – I’m not an expert. I’m not even a guy who knows stuff. I’m just a dude who makes an occasional funny joke and has vague opinions.

But I’ve won a few leagues over the years and let’s face it – we all live for this sh*t. And we want to read every possible ranking and mock draft that we possibly can before we sit down with our notebooks, laptops, magazines and all-around utter hopelessness. For most of us, it’s validation. For the rest of us, it’s just a way to make worthless games fun. Either way, welcome to my first installment of Burnsy’s Bad Advice: Ranking Your Fantasy Football Quarterbacks. And yes, I’ve based my choices entirely on female celebrities. Because why wouldn’t I?

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Philip Rivers threw four touchdown passes to get San Diego past the Denver Broncos last night, 35-14. Jon Gruden told me that those teams don’t like each other, so I guess it must be true. The Chargers pulled to within a game of the Kansas City Chiefs with a complete game in all three phases.

“This was the most complete game we’ve played in all three phases,” Rivers said. “We are in a lot of ways in playoff football already. You almost can’t afford a step back at this point.

“We haven’t peaked,” added Rivers, who leads the NFL with 3,177 yards passing and has a chance to break Dan Marino’s single-season record of 5,084 set in 1984. “I don’t think we’re playing at 100 percent, but we’re playing pretty good.”

–Y! Sports.

Rivers still may not have had the most impressive toss of the evening, a distinction which belongs to Chargers punter Nate Scifries, who completed a 28-yard pass on a punt fake in the first quarter, which you can watch on the next page. Jeez, I love fake punts. It’s like a game of “Madden” come to life, without a 12-year-old squawking into your headset.

So what if he doesn’t like Wu Tang?! At least we don’t have to drive!

The San Diego Chargers didn’t get much right on Sunday, but their troubles started well before kickoff, when their No. 1 wide receiver found himself in cuffs just hours before game time. Vincent Jackson was pulled over early Sunday morning for playing loud music, much to the chagrin of white people everywhere. Oh, and he was driving with expired tags and a suspended license.

Jackson was taken out of his vehicle and handcuffed for a short period of time. With the choice to take Jackson to jail or cite him, the officer cited the wide receiver and impounded his vehicle, Hassen said.

“It wouldn’t have been good if he hadn’t played. He’s a big part of what we do,” head coach Norv Turner told the media on Monday.

Sources told 10News Jackson was given a ride to Qualcomm Stadium by quarterback Philip Rivers. via Sports Pros(e)

Seriously, how hard is it to go through one’s crap every year and renew your stuff? Oh, but Jackson’s license was actually suspended because of a second DUI. And somehow Nate Kaeding walks the streets a free man. The world can be such an unfair place.