I don’t know if it’s fair to call something boring if you don’t even try to watch it, but I’m not really interested in being fair: this World Series is super-dooper boring.  I couldn’t be more thrilled that I didn’t watch the Rays’ 4-2 win last night, because I nearly fell asleep reading the recap.  A sample:

Tampa Bay never really got a huge hit, but neither did the Phillies as Jimmy Rollins and crew fell to 1-for-28 with runners in scoring position…

Tampa Bay scored on Jason Bartlett’s safety squeeze and built another rally when Rocco Baldelli walked on a checked swing that seemed to confuse players and umpires alike.

Poor situational hitting!  Bunts!  Check-swing walks!  Hold onto your hats, kids — this wild ride could go seven games!

Game 3 is in Philly on Saturday night, but thankfully, rain is in the forecast.  Even God doesn’t want to watch this series.

Good news for Maple Leafs goaltender Vesa Toskala: because Toronto won this game, he won't have to commit ritual suicide for allowing a 178-foot goal against the Islanders.  He will have to endure endless ribbing about his gaffe, though.  Like if I were on the Leafs (LEAVES! The plural is Leaves, goddammit!), I'd say things like, "Hey Vesa, remember when Rob Davison just cleared the puck randomly and you let it bounce into the goal?" and "Way to stop the puck, no-stop," and "You're bad at your job."  I didn't get where I am today* by coming up with unoriginal insults, that's for sure.

*My parents' garage.  It's pretty much my own apartment, though.  And they're totally cool if rent's a little late. 

[James Mirtle] 

On March 2nd, Maple Leaf Tomas Kaberle got a concussion on late hit from the Devils' Cam Janssen, which earned Janssen a three-day suspension.

Last night the teams played again for the first time since the dirty hit, and Janssen was immediately called out by Leaves (I refuse to write "Leafs" — stupid Canadia) enforcer Wade Belak. Belak got revenge for Kaberle by… um… holding onto Janssen's sweater and skating around in a circle for 90 seconds before falling to his knees. Take that, Janssen!

The good news for the Leaves is that in hockey revenge, it's the thought that counts. Also, for those who care, Toronto won the game 2-1.

Tom Cavanaugh will play a gay NHL player in Breakfast with Scot, a comedy slated for release in December 2007. And the NHL is cool with it:

What makes this movie even more unique is that the NHL and the Maple Leafs — part of a sport where no player has ever come out of the closet — have given the filmmakers their blessing to use their logos and uniforms. The Leafs have even agreed to let them do some filming with them at the end of a practice next month.

There are a lot of ways I can go with this one, but I try to stay away from gay jokes, because it's too easy to sound like an idiot homophobe. Nobody wants to be the asshole who makes stupid gay jokes. That's why I sometimes make out with guys just to prove I'm not a homophobe. It's not gay; I'm just being open-minded. So I'm going to play this one safe and say congratulations to the NHL for being as open-minded as I am.

Although this story would have been way better if Cavanaugh's character was on the Flames. Or the Predators.

The Maple Leafs' Tie Domi announced his retirement today, saying that although he had other offers, he couldn't wear another team's jersey.

Awww, that's sweet. An awful lot of sentiment from someone who didn't play hockey so much as skate around and punch people. And I say that in a complimentary way. Skating around and punching people is actually a lot cooler than playing hockey. Now he's going to go work as a commentator for The Sports Network, which is perfect. A poll I conducted on myself found that sports announcers need to get punched in the face more often. Margin of error: zero.

I wanted to give Tie a proper tribute, so of course I went to YouTube. I had only two requirements: 1. The time he fought the Flyers fan in the penalty box, and 2. speed metal.

So long, Tie Domi. The NHL will be infinitely less awesome without you. And by that I mean the NHL is going to suck even worse.

p.s. Ulf Samuelsson, you got knocked the fuck out.