Phillies 7, Dodgers 5 — With Los Angeles on the verge of evening the NLCS at two games apiece, Shane Victorino and Matt Stairs both hit two-run homers in the 8th inning to give the Phillies a commanding 3-1 series lead with ace Cole Hamels going to the mound in Game 5.  It was a particularly disappointing performance for the Dodgers bullpen — partly because it had allowed only six hits in 11 innings of shutout ball in the first three games of the series, and partly because come on, Matt Stairs?  That guy’s been in more baseball uniforms than Alyssa Milano.

Rays 9, Red Sox 1 — The Rays roughed up Jon Lester like non-Hodgkin lymphoma, hitting four home runs while cruising to victory in the series’ first game at Fenway.  It was Boston’s worst home playoff loss since a 19-8 thrashing by the Yankees in ’04, and their first series deficit since the Sox trailed Cleveland 3-1 last year.  Depressing note: in each scenario above, Boston won the rest of the games to close out the series.  Shhhh! Stop with the facts!  I’m masturbating to the idea of the Rays in five.  Boston fans’ tears make great lube.

Guess who’s starting for the Red Sox in Game 1

After a couple days off from baseball, the playoffs heat up again tonight* in Philadelphia, where the Dodgers will take on the Phillies in Game 1 of the NLCS.  [*Note: playoffs may not actually heat up.] Ooh, I can’t wait!  …to go to the airport and leave the country, that is.

Tomorrow night, the new but intense AL East rivalry between the Rays and Red Sox comes to a head in Tampa.  Meteorologists predict it will be pleasantly domey, with a 40% chance of on-field punching.

After the jump, my extremely shallow breakdown, plus… predictions!  My LDS predictions were miserably incorrect in the NL, but spot-on (down to the number of games) for the AL, which means I did slightly better than a chimpanzee trained to point at one logo or another.  As a prognosticator, that’s all I’ve ever really aspired to.

Read the rest of this entry »

Gymnastics – He Kexin won a tiebreaker for the gold in the uneven bars over Nastia Liukin, who, like Mongo in There's Something About Mary, has a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre. Both gymnasts had scored 16.725 in their respective routine, but He won out "because her execution marks were closer to a perfect 10 than Liukin's." Uh, sure. So why didn't she get a higher score to begin with? 

Track – China's Liu Xiang bowed out of the Games with a right foot injury before getting a shot to defend his title in the 110-meter hurdle. He limped out of the gate of the first qualifying round after taking a false start…Usain Bolt, already holding gold in the 100-meter, has advanced to the semifinals of the 200-meters. Something tells me he'll make the final. Carl Lewis is the last sprinter to pull off gold in both the 100- and 200-meters.

MLB – The Dodgers have scaled the peak of the NL West, thanks to an Andre Ethier walk-off homer. What a mighty feat to tie the Diamondbacks for first by being four games over .500…There was a bit of an offensive 'splosion in the AL East yesterday. The Orioles, Yankees and Blue Jays blowuptuated for at least 15 runs each in their wins. Melvin Mora collected five hits, two of them homers, and drove in six runs…The Indians of all teams hand the Angels their first series loss to an AL team since May…Johan Santana throws one of those complete game three-hit shutouts he's known for against the Pirates.Or, more appropriately, the Pirates have one of those three-hit, scoreless performances they're known for against the Mets.

What to watch for in this weekend's biggest matchups.  One side or another in ALL CAPS.

Usain Bolt over TYSON GAY – It looks like we're heading towards a showdown between Gaybolt and Asafa Powell in the 100-meter final. I know exactly nothing about sprinters, but seems to me that a guy nursing an injury (unless he's Tiger Woods) doesn't stand much of a chance against the current world record holder. Besides, the bolt always come before the gay. What's gaiety without the ZAPP!

Michael Phelps over MARK SPITZ – Pretty obvious by now, isn't it?

LOS ANGELES DODGERS over Milwaukee Brewers – "Oh my Gaaaahhhhh! Manny cut his hair and didn't get any hits the next game! He must be like Samson!" Die.

VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA over Tropic Thunder - A literal threesome involving ScarJo, Penelope Cruz and a dude hands down beats the comedy threesome of Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Robert Downey, Jr. Even if Downey is awesome.

Washington Redskins over NEW YORK JETS - I'm not talking about the game, per se. It's the preseason. Who gives a graham-crusted fuck? I'd just like some Redskins to fall over Brett Favre's trachea in his first appearance in a Jets' uniform.

And so marks the end of another drudging August week of near-nothingness. Don't worry, another one is just aroud the corner. Then another one. Then comes the good stuff! You'll see.

Emmanuelle Chriqui threw out the first pitch at what I presume must have been a Dodgers game.  Although, knowing her agent, she probably wore the Dodgers cap to an Angels game.  Or a minor league hockey game.  Why would she throw out a first pitch at a minor league hockey game?  Hell, I don't know.  I'm not the one that thought it would be a good idea to cast her as the love interest of a closeted boy band singer.  But I guess that's what happens when you're a hot actress with no talent.  You try to break through to Biel-Alba Land, a magical world where people don't give a crap that you suck because you're so fucking sexy.  (Population: me.)

[My Chill Pill] 

What better way for second-tier athletes and second-tier sports to help each other's causes by ginning up a little pointless spectacle? Over the weekend, wizzenedtits Pamela Anderson and Dallas Cowboys shitferbrains Tony Romo, who boasts the ability to be both horrible at gambling and choosing a future wife, got involved in some senior circuit hollow formality funtime.

Pamela Anderson-Lee-Terwilliger-Nahasapeemapetilon joined the likes of Marisa Miller and Lisa Guerrero as minor celebs who have thrown out the first pitch at Chavez Ravine this year. No official report on how the pitch went, but I imagine it bounded in super slow motion to the theme of "Baywatch". Pamela brought her litter of Tommy Lee striplings, none of whom look as though they've ever received a haircut, like, ever. Maybe they'll work that in when they eventually make an Oedipal sex tape with mom to revive her career in five years.

Elsewhere, Romo was booed lustily by Cubs fans in Wrigley, dressed in Bears hoodies to protect themselves from dignity. Rival team aside, don't they know Romo is a kind innocent midwestern boy who can't warble through a verse to save his life? After the jump is the gruesome footage.

Sweet Jeebus. He sounds like the squeaky voiced teenager from The Simpsons. "Let's get some runs! As long as that's okay! Sorry sir! I earned three medals for this!" Nice to make the crowd do all the work for you. Saving that voice for barking at your linemen four months from now?