"I have thought about this a lot, seriously."

If you’re like me, you have a problem with women, because women be trippin. You try to flirt with other girls on Instagram, because a woman will sleep with you if you hit the little heart button under a picture they’ve uploaded to the Internet, and your woman gets MAD at you, as if it’s YOUR fault for getting a hard-on for some titties in a “toaster” filter.

Thankfully, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson is here with THE INSTAGRAM RULES FOR MEN, easily the most handy set of rules handed down since Moses descended Mount Sinai. Here they are, in their glory:

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"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???" *quack*

Chances are you’ve probably already been buried by the news and Tweets that Chip Kelly is leaving the Oregon Ducks, despite previous claims that he would be staying with the program. Because I didn’t see any other reporters freaking out about this on Twitter, I believe that ESPN’s Chris Mortensen broke the news earlier this afternoon.

Chip Kelly is the new coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, according to league sources. No announcement yet.

— Chris Mortensen (@mortreport) January 16, 2013

Of course, the Philadelphia Eagles fans that I know well – those who have lived through so many years of anger and rage – are taking this hire with a grain of salt, because who the hell knows what to expect from college coaches who make the jump to the NFL anymore? Sure, Jim Harbaugh has done wonders with the San Francisco 49ers, but to that I simply retort, NICK SABAN NICK SABAN NICK SABAN.

But if Saban has taught us anything, it’s that Oregon fans shouldn’t be too shocked by this announcement. Coaches are dirty, rotten liars and the sooner that we accept this into our lives, the sooner we can all recover from their treacherous deceits. For the fun of it, though, I’d like to share how I imagine the typical Ducks fans’ day went down with some help from the delightful Ralph Wiggum.

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In case you haven’t been following, I’ve had a bit of a fascination this NFL season with my theory of the Thursday Night Football Quarterback Curse. Basically, with the exception of Thanksgiving and maybe two or three lone performances, every QB that has played on Thursday this season has either been lackluster or just flat out awful. Many of us expected that to change last week when Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos played the Oakland Raiders, but he was just good enough to win.

While actual NFL players and more intense fans might say the fact that he won is all that matters, some of us depend on a little more from these guys for fantasy football. That means Manning only netted us between 13 and 20 points, which made us sad. At least our supermodel girlfriends were there to organize threeways to comfort us.

Can Nick Foles and Andy Dalton snap this incredible trend? Probably. We don’t expect it from them, so they’d be the best candidates. But I hope not, because it’s more fun to believe that a mystical force is making QBs suck.

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After a few weeks of writing about shows me and three other people in the world like (Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, Boy Meets World, et al.), we decided to dedicate a Sports On TV column to a show the entire UPROXX network loves — ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,’ FX’s delightfully cruel comedy that has its own page of recaps and commenter badges on the UPROXX mothership.

The show’s use of Philadelphia is at least as comprehensive as ‘The Wire’s’ use of Baltimore, and all of the important Philly area teams and icons have made an appearance on the show … the Eagles, the Flyers, the Phillies, the Phillie Phanatic. ‘It’s Always Sunny’ also launched the worldwide popularity of GREEN MAN, who you may know as “that a-hole in the morphsuit at any sporting event.” It’s an important thing they’re doing, so we’re here to talk about it.

Things we have to apologize for in advance: crude language, situations meant for mature audiences and getting the “Flipadelphia” song stuck in your head again.

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Our Man Burnsy’s on the road today, so I’m handling the With Leather Watch This. Who likes shoehorned-in wrestling references? Everybody? THOUGHT SO.

Here’s what’s on TV tonight, highlighted by a “seemed like a great idea when we were making the schedule” showdown between the 3-7 Philadelphia Eagles and the 2-8 Carolina Panthers. Sophomore slumpmaster Cam Newton looks to throw more interceptions than touchdowns against Philadelphia’s Michael Vick, a guy who could seriously benefit from Tim McGraw showing up and duct-taping the football to his hands. It’s going to be GREAT, and the Philly sports fans on your Twitter feed won’t be obnoxious about it AT ALL.

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We’ve been running awesome fantasy baseball games alongside Fanduel.com all summer, but football is almost back, and we’re ready to hit fantasy sports right in its wheelhouse.

You’ll want to sign up now for our first FREE FanDuel Fantasy Football game of the season (one entry per player) and take your shot at winning money from a $1000 prize pool. Do I seriously have to bribe you into playing a free fantasy football game? On Week ONE?

Here’s how it works:

We’re getting this ready for week 1, so that means the contest happens on Sunday, September 9. That means you can’t draft anyone from the Wednesday game, but all Sunday and Monday players are eligible. Payouts start right after Monday Night Football. How sweet is that? A free game with free money to celebrate the return of the one sport people seriously care about.

So yeah, sign up, friend. Enjoy your money.