Lucas Glover was the guy you’ve never heard of before that won the US Open earlier today. And he did it the same way most guys do it: by getting into the final pairing and letting the other guy blow up. Glover finished his round at three over par, good enough for golf’s national championship and $1,350,000 in prize money, which will end up to be something like $40,000 after taxes.

Ricky Barnes, the other guy in this scenario, shot a 76, including a string of four straight bogeys heading into the turn. David Duval took a triple bogey on his first hole of the day, but managed to come up with birdies after holes that seemed to finish his chances for the day. Phil Mickelson made a charge at the end, but fell just a couple putts short. All three men finished in a tie for second place.

Tiger Woods tied for sixth and struggled mightily with the field, instead of ahead of it, but his wife didn’t have cancer, so screw him. The citizens of Cablinasia are certainly in mourning.

Amy Mickelson, the wife of PGA choke artist Phil Mickelson, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s a really tough break for the former NBA cheerleader that married one of the wealthiest golfers on the planet. But some turd poacher on Yahoo! says that everyone on the tour should donate money to Amy’s cause because…because he was coming up on deadline, I guess. I know the feeling. From the Roy S. Johnson blog; the “s” stands for “sycophant”, apparently:

Phil Mickelson won’t be [at this week's tournament] because his wife, Amy, has been diagnosed with breast cancer and he’s rightfully decided to put down the clubs and be there for her.
What are the rest of you guys going to do?

Offering your prayers and sympathy is great. Those who are close to him (and even those who aren’t) will no doubt reach out to him personally. To do nothing more than that would be a crime.

Whoa, hang on there buckaroo. She’s not my piece-of-ass wife.

[T]his is a unique opportunity. What if each golfer donated 5% of his winnings this weekend to the continued research into better treatment and a cure? What if the caddies pitched in, too? And fans, maybe each should be asked to bring $5 bucks for the kitty – and wear their own pink, too.

You won’t believe this, but you can look it up: there are other diseases out there besides cancer. Just because some famous person gets sick–someone who’s going to have no issue affording state-of-the-art treatment, no less–everyone in the media wants to cry when other people’s wallets don’t start flying open. And enough of the damn pink already. Unless you’re some descendant of Bret “The Hitman” Hart, YOU DON’T OWN PINK. I can’t wait until I get Alzheimer’s and forget that I ever read that douchebag. Or prostate cancer. Whatever puts me out of my misery. Maybe I should just stand in Donte’ Stallworth’s driveway for a while…

One of the stunning non-chokes in early 2009 has to be Phil Mickenson’s victory at Doral over the weekend, as Lefty held off a weekend charge from Fres-yes State’s own Nick Watney. And as someone that appreciates the ridiculous, land-grabbingly traditions of golf, very little sends me into more of a punching fury than somebody like this prick. No, not Phil. The other guy:

“It’s a sporting event” doesn’t cut it for me, whether you consider golf to be an actual sport or not. That debate is pointless. I don’t know if Marissa Miller is a brunette or a blonde; she’s hot, and that’s all I care about. Just as golf is a game (can we agree on “game?”) enjoyed by many, it has its own social traditions and mores. One of which is, “Don’t be a tool.” Just as the guy that wears a Bulls jersey to a Cubs game deserves our scorn, so does this fellow that discourteously commanded Mr. Mickelson’s bar to a watery grave. Poppycock, I say.

|Devil Ball Golf|

It's no secret that Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson are the two best golfers in the world, separated only by a metaphorical ocean of desire and concentration that Mickelson will never have.  It's also no secret that the two have, at best, a chilly relationship. So it's definitely intriguing (relatively, for the golf world) that the two would be paired together for the first two rounds of next week's U.S. Open at Torrey Pines.  The stated goal is to have golfers of similar talent playing at the same time to lessen the effect of weather on the outcome, but FanHaus's delicious, delicious Shane Bacon feels otherwise:

Tiger and Phil both live in California and have an enormous fan base there, so people are going to be mauling each other trying to see these two playing together. The galleries are going to be Woodstock thick, which will be bad for any golfer playing a passing hole or any of the groups behind or in front of the two.

Full tee times will be released today, but their plan is to have the top 12 golfers in the world all paired together and clumped together in four different tee times. Could you imagine being a top 12 golfer and drawing the group in front of the Big Three [Mickelson, Woods, and Adam Scott]? You wouldn't have a shot all day without someone running ahead of you or cheering behind you. It's going to be chaos.

Chaos on the golf course!  People will be elbowing quietly to stay off the long stretches of perfectly manicured grass!  Absolute silence will be difficult to maintain!  Holy fuck, call the National Guard!

Phil Mickelson has long had a reputation for being one of — if not THE — biggest self-absorbed douchebag on the PGA Tour, so it should come as no surprise that he'll be appearing in the preferred show for self-absorbed douchebags, Entourage.

"It's edgy; the language is a little rough," Mickelson said. "But I just love watching that show." [...]

"It was two days of shooting kind of a golf scene where Ari is trying to get Vinnie in a movie," he said. "I don't know what I can say or can't say."

Wow, Ari's trying to get Vinnie a role.  Sounds like a dramatic new breakthrough for the show.  Lemme guess, the sub-plots involve Drama fucking up his career and Turtle getting high and/or playing video games.  Spoiler alert: the episode will suck, but fans of the show will defend it on the premise that a hot girl was on screen for 20 seconds.

[Brahsome] 

Phil Mickelson used to sound exactly like the pimply-faced kid from The Simpsons. ("Here's your taco, sir." "If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.")

Oh yeah, he's also pretty good at golf.

By the way, I got this from Mister Irrelevant, who said he got this from one of the commenters here. You feel that? It's synergy.