Okay, so maybe this is a case of Phil Mickelson being a butthole to somebody who was just trying to be friendly, but it could also be a revolutionary step toward removing assy form-questions from the sports guy/journalist equation. Sort of like Bill Engvall’s ‘Here’s Your Sign’ jokes, but more direct, and with less horrible Bill Engvall.

The conversation moves to “dumb questions,” and while Phil ribs Sands a little (the two have a past), he explains that it isn’t the dumbest question he’s been asked. That honor goes to a gentleman that works for MasterCard, who asked Phil a question that most would consider rhetorical. (via Devil Ball Golf)

“You lookin’ forward to Augusta?”

(laugh track goes here)

“Nope! Dreadin’ it! I’m thinkin’ ’bout tradin’ in m’golf clubs for a set a BOWLIN’ BALLS. Just roooll ‘em onto the green. Heeeere’s your sign.”

That’s close enough, right? Jesus, I feel so dirty.

Phil Mickelson had a chance to raise a million dollars for children and failed to do so because he is a terrible person and should never be allowed to golf again.

Okay, it’s not that severe, but here’s the set-up Phil was facing when he stepped onto the field during halftime during last night’s Denver Broncos/San Diego Charges Monday Night Football game:

Few players are more comfortable with a wedge in their hands than Phil Mickelson. But the question on Monday night will be whether he can do it when it’s someone else’s money on the line.

Mickelson will attempt a wedge shot during halftime of tonight’s matchup between the Denver Broncos and the San Diego Chargers. (Mickelson is a San Diego native and a longtime Chargers fan.) Lefty will go endzone-to-endzone, taking aim at a bull’s-eye-style target in order to win up to $1,000,000 in books for First Book, a local non-profit, according to the shot’s sponsor, KPMG. (via GOLF.com)

As you can see in the video below, Phil shanked it (I don’t know what “shank” means), and kids will only receive a $50,000 donation, the lowest donation offered for the shot. Those poor children. Phil, if you were better at golf, children would be able to live.

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I don’t know about you hard-working folks, but when I hear that Forbes has released its list of the 100 Highest Paid Athletes, it might as well be Christmas morning to me. After all, nothing makes me happier than the success of a person who was given a gift by the gods. Well, that’s not entirely true. What makes me incredibly happy is when that person is also a total dick. Because if you’re talented and wealthy, what’s the point in caring what people think about you?

And hoo boy, this year’s Top 10 is chocked with some athletes that really don’t give a sh*t what people think about them. That’s not to say that these are all necessarily terrible human beings, but they’re definitely not universally beloved. For starters, did you know that the highest paid athlete of the past year currently lives in a prison cell?

Haha, life is fair!

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Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.

Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.

Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:

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Every time Tiger Woods fails to win a tournament these days, his lack of effort is usually followed by a few hundred newspaper and Internet columns declaring his career over and done. Today is no different, after Woods put up a pooptastic 75 in the final round of the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday and watched as Phil Mickelson strolled right by him with a 64 to win the event.

“Stick a dagger in him!” the columnists yell, as they wipe donut crumbs on their laptops and listen to Mickelson revel in the lopsided nature of this once dominated rivalry.

“I just feel very inspired when I play with him,” the Californian said of Woods. “I love playing with him, and he brings out some of my best golf.

“I hope that he continues to play better and better, and I hope that he and I have a chance to play together more in final rounds.” (Via Reuters)

In fairness, it seemed like Mickelson was being genuine about his hopes for Woods, and God knows the PGA needs El Tigre to get his act back together for the sake of ratings and general interest. But I offer a bit more hypothetical solution for the PGA and Woods, at least for the Pro-Am events – don’t pair Woods with Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo anymore.

In fact, don’t pair anyone with Romo anymore. It just seems unfair to leave golfers making this face for an entire day…

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The story: A guy on a message board somewhere posted a thing about how golf pro Phil Mickelson and his wife were cheating on each other a la “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” and mentioned that Lefty had fathered an illegitimate child. It’s probably not true, because nothing on the Internet is true, and if it is, who cares?

Well, apparently Phil Mickelson is new to the Internet, because the Cyber Police have been contacted and he’s gonna find you online and fight you in real life:

As funny as “Phil Mickelson didn’t f**k a lady” is as “breaking news”, that’s not the best part. Neither are his outstanding reaction of “well I NEVER!” or his monocle coming loose and falling into his wine glass.

No, the very best part is TMZ’s write up of the non-events, which starts with “sinking his putts” as a euphemism for cheating on his wife and runs headlong into what could be the greatest and most melodramatic use of boldface in Internet history:

Oh no, not an Internet Service Provider! I hope he doesn’t use a telecommunications device that transmits and receives sounds to call his lawyer!

Let me see if I can get in on this. Phil Mickelson once f**ked a dog. That is a true thing he has done. Come at me, bro.