Tiger Woods is trying to get out of his marriage faster than Usain Bolt. The golf wonder is in quiet negotiations with his soon-to-be-exwife, and while the Elin’s division of the assets seems to be in the $400 million range, Tiger has focused his fight on his custody of the couple’s two children.

Sources say one of the options is to actually file for divorce in Sweden — Elin wants to move there with the kids and Tiger would have to submit to the jurisdiction of the court. Wherever the divorce is filed, the plan is to keep the custody and property settlement agreements out of the court file. We’re told the quicker and quieter the divorce, the better.

The big issue, we’re told — Tiger wants either custody or visitation, and assurance that he can go into court and enforce the agreement if Elin violates it. –TMZ.

Dwyane Wade, however, seems to be faring much better. Read the rest of this entry »

Tiger Woods wasn’t the only one that fell on his face this weekend. Travis Parmalee, 36, joined the list of Tasees In Sport after heckling Woods on the 11th hole of the Players’ Championship. The gift of Tiger Woods keeps on giving.

Security guards at the Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., tournament told Parmelee to stop yelling several times before calling the sheriff, who dispatched deputies to make an arrest.

Capt. Dave Messenger said officers attempted to calm Parmelee down, but he became more combative. When they tried to take Parmelee into custody, he resisted – and was Tasered once. –NY Daily News, via DaveMattewsBandSpin.

You might want to sit down for this next part. Oh, wait. You’re already sitting down. Anyway…

Messenger said Parmelee had been drinking.

Woods would later withdraw from the tournament, citing neck pain.

Fans that are acting belligerently, with obviously no intention other than to piss off everyone around them, should be tased, in my opinion. But I’m afraid that the act of tasing is going to catch on. Security personnel everywhere will be dying to get a taste, and I can’t blame them. I want to tase somebody right now. It looks like fun. I plan to do that to every jackass that yells “Get in the hole!” after each players’ shot. Because those bastards all have it coming.

At least one report out there in the series of tubes is quoting a source close to Elin Nordegren, wife of Tiger Woods (for now, anyway). The source has said that the great reconciliation between Tiger and Elin isn’t happening, and that divorce is imminent. And Cablinasia weeps.

Meanwhile, the insider says that “nonstop construction” continues on the $3 million home in Vaxholm which Elin purchased in December. “She is definitely planning on spending a lot of time there — they are gutting it,” the source says of the private-island estate on Sweden’s west coast.

The mom and former model, 30, is “working hard” to speed up renovations. “She and the kids are going to be spending most of the summer there,” the source says. “Without Tiger.” –US Weekly, via HuffPo.

Tiger, meanwhile, has confirmed that he will play in the Players Championship next month and the US Open in June, which is more of a commitment than he seems to have made in patching things up with Elin. Who would have thought of a Swedish supermodel to be so high maintenance? Leave the air conditioning on! Stop banging whores! Hold still while I swing this wedge at your face! That sounds worse than being with some of those American women. You know who you are, ladies.

Jimmy Kimmel had a clever bit on his late-night television program the other day when he “outsourced” his order of Tiger Woods jokes to a “call center” in “India.” One member of the aforementioned center delivered the “joke” and “hilarity” was enjoyed by “all.”

This sort of reinforces something I wrote on Monday; eventually the run of “Tiger Woods” as shorthand for “adulterous jiggalo” will end and those jokes won’t be funny anymore. Most people that follow golf were happy to see Tiger play at The Masters and attempt a re-entry of his old life, and the rest of us don’t really care. We have no investment of Tiger to shrug off like the media seem to have, so the joke’s on them. Eventually Kimmel and everyone else (including me) will have to find a new target. Fortunately, we work in an arena where plenty of people make bad decisions every day. Suck on that, India.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jim Nantz of CBS Sports is a lot of things, unlike Saskatchewan-based restauranteur Jim Nance, who I find to be one-dimensional and pithy. But the renown sportscaster had some things to say about Tiger Woods, just a couple days after The Masters where all we did was hear about Tiger Woods. But instead of discussing the eminent Parade Of Whores, Nantz addressed an outburst of “language” that Tiger made during Saturday’s round.

“If I said what he said on the air, I would be fired,” Nantz, told Mike Francesa on New York’s WFAN. “I read in the USA Today and it was called ‘mild language.’ Someone on my broadcast dismissed it as him having a camera in his face.

“How about the father and son who are standing right there by the tee?” Nantz said.

Think of the children!

“How about the hundreds of people who are around that tee who hear that? How about the hundreds of letters I’ve gotten through the years from people who have been outraged at the language they’ve heard there and have written me and said, ‘Why don’t you guys ever say something about that?’” –Houston Chronicle.

My biggest gripe about tournament golf is that its participants just seem too happy to be there, too happy to finish 15th instead of taking a run at the lead. And if Nantz or anyone else at the eyeball has such a big problem with it, then the solution is really simple. Shut the mics off.

The media does this all the time; they jam a mic in a guy’s face and then get all bent out of shape when lollipops and rainbows don’t come spilling out. That hypocritical indignation needs to stop. Nantz’ job comparison is totally invalid; he earns his keep by sitting directly behind the microphone and watching everyone else. If he could break 70 at August, he could openly use whatever “language” came to mind.

Apparently we never got around to mentioning that Tiki Barber is dumping his Asian wife for a white girl, partly because of my travel schedule, and partly because Tiki is the black Paris Hilton. Who gives a damn what this guy does anymore? He gets less camera time on NBC than Al Michaels’ scalp, he’s terrible on the Today show, he’s terrible on his NFL show, and he’s devoid of any sort of charisma that would make me want to watch him on TV. And considering that he had to invade the ranks of the nearly post-pubescent to find his own Lolita.

Anyway, I wanted to do something like this to compare Tiger’s high-volume philandering with Tiki’s one-shot, one-kill approach. But someone already did that. Whatever. At some point, we’ll have to stop comparing every guy that cheats on his wife to Tiger Woods. Might as well start now.

See, Tiger’s whoring was heroic, both in scope and range. Tiger banged strippers, he banged his neighbors, he probably banged 47 percent of all women he ever came into contact with. Just wrap your GD brain around that for a second. The guy couldn’t miss. And his marriage is still intact (for now, anyway). Tiki, meanwhile, blew up his whole life for some intern. Can Tiki re-enter his public universe with the same apparent ease as Tiger has? I doubt it. While Tiki might have sold his marriage down the river, as Tiger did, one has to wonder why he couldn’t insist on a better price. The end. Wasn’t that fun?

ASYLUM POLL: Is Tiki Barber a bigger scumbag than Tiger Woods?