Everybody’s had those Rip Van Winkle days when we fade off to sleep forgetting to recharge our phone batteries and wake up to the realization that the Turkish immigrants you hired to dust your house for two bucks an hour have been banging on the screen door for almost half the day. This is what happened to third-ranked Jim Furyk this morning as he went to bed with visions of Barclays grandeur and woke up with the crushing realization that he’s never going to bang as many women as Tiger Woods…and he’s also late for his playoff golf tournament.

On the bright side, at least he’ll always have that awesome trophy on his mantle of a colonial man deftly wielding a golf club that hasn’t even been invented yet that I’d make PUNTE hump Elvis’ rotting carcass to own.

The No. 3-ranked player in the FedEx Cup points standings was disqualified from The Barclays at Ridgewood Country Club this morning after missing his 7:30 a.m. pro-am tee time. As per PGA Tour rules, players who are in the pro-am field must be on their tee at the designated time or are disqualified from the week’s event.

“I don’t know if something happened with the charger or what, but I never got it,” Furyk said outside of the Ridgewood locker room this morning. “I just tore out of there, threw a pair of pants on and a shirt — still have no belt, no socks and my shoes are untied — and actually got in the locker room at 7:35, but I guess I had to be on the tee.” -NJ.com

He paused to put on pants and a shirt!? Come on! There’s no better way to show other golfers you’re in it to demolish them than to show up half naked with a full mast of morning wood brandishing from your boxer shorts. Incidently, this is how most of my first dates begin (and end).

It’s over. Tiger, at least matrimonially speaking, is out of the woods. His divorce with the once-again Elin Nordegren was finalized in a ten-minute hearing before a Florida judge. Woods is now legally free to lift, clean and place his balls wherever he chooses.

We love Elin, and we are so proud of the grace and strength she has shown during this difficult time,” her father, Thomas Nordegren, a talk show host at national broadcaster Swedish Radio, told The Associated Press. “We know that she will come out of this even stronger and has a bright future in front of her.”

“I don’t comment on active cases,” Thomas J. Sasser, Woods’ divorce attorney, said. Asked why they chose to file in Panama City, Sasser said it was a joint decision by the lawyers. –Y! Sports.

Woods ended 2010 with two top 10 finishes in nine events, but with no wins and (more notably) no majors. Maybe now that his rocky marriage is behind him, he can get back to doing what he does best: banging copious amounts of average looking women.

Coming to a television near you is a report that a human exists that is so biologically superior to all of us that she, at her current age of seven, could probably beat most of us at any competition known to man besides the one where we can prove that we are legally allowed to drive a car.

A journalist who helped the golfer hide affairs says he knows someone who has full details of the girl – and DNA evidence.

Neal Boulton added: “There is a lot more to come out. Tiger will eventually admit to fathering a child.”

Rumours about a love child have circulated since dad-of-two Tiger, 34, split from wife ELIN. Theresa Rogers reportedly gave birth to a girl in 2003 and demanded £2million for her silence.

The claims are in Channel 4′s Tiger Woods: The Rise and Fall, on Thursday. -The Sun

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In his infinite wisdom, Larry David has a theory on the origin of neck injuries. He hypothesizes that there are only two ways to injure you neck: a car accident, or cunnilingus. But when Tiger Woods is the subject with the neck injury, the origin is less clean than a Barry Bonds drug test. Putting the context of how he obtained the injury aside, Tiger answered questions on his neck at the Memorial’s press conference this morning, where he will be defending his title this weekend.

Where he’s at with his neck injury: “Actually, my neck feels pretty good. It’s still not where I want it to be. It’s a little sore. The range of motion is pretty good.” How has he progressed since dropping out of the TPC? “It was about a week before I picked up a club, then this past 5-6-7 days it’s been pretty good.” –USAToday

According to Tiger, his neck was having a noticeable effect on his swing. He also believes hat he is good enough to play, but the time it will take him to make a complete comeback will “hopefully be short.” Tiger is already scheduled for the US Open and British Open. So he has made the decision to not rest until the US Open later this month. That’s a pretty bold move by everyone’s favorite fairway philanderer, considering that he said this morning that his Masters comeback was premature. Whenever I feel something premature coming, I incorporate the Lt. Frank Dreben technique. I just think about baseball.

Phil Mickelson has a tendency to either be an incredibly clutch golfer or one of the biggest choke artists in all of sports. He of the hot, cancer-stricken wife had another chance to overtake Tiger Woods and ascend to No. 1 on the PGA Tour’s ranking system. How did he respond? By shooting a 3 over on Friday to miss the cut at the Colonial.

“I played terrible. I don’t know what to say,” Mickelson said. “The course was in great shape, there was no wind and there were a lot of birdies out there, and I just played terrible.” –USAToday

Well, at least he has the balls to admit it. Tiger holds on to his number one spot, which he has had for the past 260 weeks (you did the math right, that’s 5 years), and a total 602 weeks throughout his career. That’s some pretty hardcore domination right there. Domination that Tiger might be into sexually. Oh, wait. Tiger went to rehab, so obviously he won’t be doing anything lascivious ever again. Read the rest of this entry »

The tortuous volume of angst continues to build in Tiger Woods’ loins as his legal team continues to hash out the terms of his divorce with the former and soon to be again Elin Nordegren. I don’t know when a report of a still technically married man unable to soothe his burning desires within suddenly became news, but we’re rolling with it.

Despite Tiger Woods’ imminent divorce from wife of five years Elin, 30, an insider tells Us Weekly his legal team told him he can’t date until the split is finalized. “Elin’s building a character case (based on his serial philandering),” the insider says. “Elin’s team is watching (Tiger’s) every move.”

Her goal? “She wants more money than Michael Jordan’s ex got,” another source says, referring to the former NBA star’s $168 million payout to his ex-wife. –MSNBC.

The last number we heard was $750 million, and there’s a good chance that she’ll get it if she’ll comply with Tiger’s requests regarding visitation rights of his two kids. Though for that matter, I’d simply refer them to the landmark decision of Camper Is Rocking v. Don’t Come A-knocking. Truly a high water mark for American jurisprudence.